integration and merging and "lifespan integration"

[zamisista.livejournal.com]

hello everyone

we haven't been in touch for a long time and we missed you all.

we are the little ones in the J system. since we last wrote, we met a new (inside) family member called Jonathon. we thought he was a monster and tried to evict him but he was just wearing a scary mask and when he took it off we saw he was just a little boy and he was scared because he was the only white one inside here. but it is OK, we accepted him now and he hangs out with JD who is our protector.

anyway our question is about integration and merging. our therapist says that they are two different things. she says integration is about creating more communication and cooperation inside and merging is where different family members join together (we call that murder). she says she is not trying to promote merging but she is promoting integration in terms of making family members more able to hear each others concerns and create consensus about things. did you ever hear the two terms used in this way? some of us inside don't trust her and think maybe she is trying to merge us without our permission, but we (the little ones) don't think that because she is good and is trying to help us. she says she is not trying to merge us and in any case she couldn't do it without the family members wanting to be merged.

our big one is afraid one day she will wake up to an emtpy house, everyone else will have gone and she will be all alone.
the reason she is afraid is because we are doing "lifespan integration" to make the trauma memories seem like they happened in the distant past. it is working, but also we are seeing changes happen to the System as a result, like walls between members are turning into fences which we can sometimes hear through.

has anyone else done lifespan integration and what was your experience?

sometimes it is scary when things change inside and people start talking or communicating differently. our big one especially doesn't like change. she is doing her best but she does panic sometimes. how have you coped with changes in your Systems?

thank you for being you, we love that this community exists.

the little ones

Comments

[mirrorbrothers.livejournal.com]

Integration usually means combining people. I've never heard it used the way your therapist is. But it's always good for a family to talk to each other and help each other. If that's what's happening, it doesn't matter what you call it. (Except that everyone here thinks the word "integration" means merging, so you might confuse or upset people unless you explain it every time.)

My brother and I share almost all our memories, and we can talk to each other really easily, and our emotions leak into each other. The wall between us is more like an open window. But we're still separate people, and I'm not alone. So that's possible. I hope that helps.

Rob

[thehumangame.livejournal.com]

she says she is not trying to promote merging but she is promoting integration in terms of making family members more able to hear each others concerns and create consensus about things. did you ever hear the two terms used in this way?

I remember some other people in this community saying that they've heard of 'integration' being used to mean creating more communication. It isn't the 'standard' usage but apparently some people do mean that.

some of us inside don't trust her and think maybe she is trying to merge us without our permission

How can she merge you without permission? Isn't that like saying someone is going to stop you from feeling something or thinking about something? This isn't 1984...

~j

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Maybe you can ask her to change the term into a word that makes you feel better. Like "cooperation" or "co-conscious".

Amalah

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

She's one of fairly few people who use integration that way. Integration is generally seen as 'merging' (ie "They integrated into society")

Sounds like she's just pimping.... well, communication. Possibley co-conciousness. Being able to talk to each other and even hear each other's thoughts isn't a bad thing that indicates you're all going to vanish in a puff of smoke. If you are at any point uncomfortable, tell your therapist.

Lu and I have gotten to the stage where we tend to feel we can't be as completely divided into our respective boxes the way we used to be. We're still people, still who we are. It can be scary (can be very fucking scary), but it's not the end of all things.

[random-element.livejournal.com]

I've never done lifespan integration, but I do know that in my particular system, we've been naturally merging by dealing with what happened instead of making it seem further away. I've been told by many people and therapists that my system is one of the healthist they've seen. By that I don't mean we're being forced together, we've been letting the system itself bring those who broke off each other together by dealing with the forgotten trauma person by person. The problem with that, is that we ended up living with the person helping us because it's a long ardious process that really would never fit into a doctor's schedule, as so far we've been working for four years day and night...

We actually weren't aiming for a merging, but it started happening one day on it's own about a year ago. Since that time, there's been three more, a lot of tears, and a lot of reassurance and love. I dunno, it's an option not oft times looked at, because it's something most doctors can never do. :(

I didn't like change either, but believe me, the first thing is setting up communication, though intgration isn't always the best way to do that. Working from the way the system works and using it's laws is...and that means trust. my email is draka@mindless.com if you have any questions about this process or anything I said because I actually have to run for work. :P

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

When we were living with our now ex-girlfriend, she ended up working with our psychologist to work with us because she wanted to and because its true some things will never fit into a doctors schedule. The problem for us was that it got much worse before it got better and the gf got resentful during the process(we didnt ask her to take on role of therapist, it just happened before we realized it), and well we ended up pretty much getting thrown out with no place to go. Odd thing about it is even though some of us miss her, we mostly miss the psychologist and other counselor we had during those times.

We just wanted to wish you luck, it sounds hard what you are doing if we understand correctly.

[random-element.livejournal.com]

lol, oh it is hard at times, but thank you for the wish of luck. ^_^

[random-element.livejournal.com]

Actually, I did want to make one more point I probabkly didn't make clear, we'rwe definitely not planning on becoming a singleton, lol. In fact I have been told that with natural merging, that will almost never happen..lol

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

When you work in a corporation - like i do often one speaks of integrating
people into a team. This does not mean that people loose their identity and
merge with a team it simply means that the learn to communicate and get along
with everyone on the team.

This is fine, however integration in a psychotheraputic sense means that everyone
becomes part of 'I'.

I prefer to corporate understanding of the word.

-- Mtribe

on integration

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

I've always heard of integration and merging as being the same thing. We integrated but it was spontaneous. I don't think of it as murder as the others are still with me, just in a closer way than before. We may be one now, but I still feel their presence and can see the different aspects of myself that were once separate. It was very confusing at first. I felt all alone. Then I realized that this was what was best for us (or it wouldn't have happened).

I should note that I don't think integration or merging is for everyone. I think that co-operation and co-conciousness are probably the best and what everyone should strive for.

[chipmunk-planet.livejournal.com]

What she's calling integration sounds like being co-conscious. It sounds to me like she's trying to get you not to be afraid of the process.

You can't make anyone integrate. No one can force you to.

But from the point of view of one who used to be several thousand and now is 18, nobody was murdered. Some of us grew up, some hugged each other and became one, it happened a lot of different ways. Some of us just decided we didn't need to be separated any more. Once I heard a speech that really struck us and five came together in an instant. It was the most amazing feeling, like being lighter and full of more space inside.

We all feel a lot more peaceful now. It's hard for me to explain the whole number inside thing (like how many are there) because it's something that just is. But it's taken years, it didn't happen overnight nor should it. Bah, I feel like I'm not making sense.

But if integration is not what you want or you don't feel ready for that then that's fine too.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

Once I heard a speech that really struck us and five came together in an instant.

Can I just tell you, the imagery that came to my mind when I read that was so beautiful, I feel like crying(in a good way).

Just wanted to say that.

Faith
Pack Collective

thank you!!

[zamisista.livejournal.com]

hi everyone,
we came home from school today (the Big One teaches) and we had lots of mail from all of you!! usually only the big one and the Prof get mail, so we were happy to have our own mail and excited to read what you all had to say.

everything was very helpful, especially the reassurance that we can't be forced to merge. also we didnt realize that some could merge but not necessarily become a singleton and be all alone. we only know eight of us (plus our guardian angel but she is a spirit not a human). so we don't think we have enough people inside to need to make more space.

after reading what you said we are all agreed that our therapist isn't trying to kill us off, just to make it easier to communicate and work together. we are working on System rules so that everyone can feel safe regardless who is out. before the big one was in charge nearly all the time and sometimes she wouldn't even listen to other family members, so more communication (and listening) is better we think.
we like the idea of an open window instead of a wall.

Another thing we were thinking about, in our System we have some who are multiple (the little ones) and some who are single (the big one). when family members merge, do they feel like a "we" or an "I" afterward?

we are going to start a new thread with other questions we have.
we think you are the best and we like having new friends.
the little ones (J System)

Re: thank you!!

[random-element.livejournal.com]

Well, we (the ones who have merged), have felt like I instead of we, though it is a little jumbled for the first few days, lol. It's actaully kind of amazing how different yet the same you feel. Hard to explain really, lol.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I think at least some therapists (less today than formerly) confuse the people in a multiple system or group with trauma memories. They think the people are the memories -- personifications, kind of -- and that once the memories are "integrated", that is, recalled and put in perspective, the people should disappear.

One of our theories on the reasons for all that stuff going on with the doctors who were digging for memories and prompting their clients to think up worse and worse stories, in the 80s and 90s, was that people didn't disappear, and the doctors were proceeding on the false assumption that the presence of others meant that not all the memories had been processed.

IMNSHO it's very unlikely that your people will disappear, judging by what we've read from other people on this community & other places over the years. Coming in a little late on this but it's just our 2c.

We've had plenty of changes in our system over the years, many of which we instigated ourselves. We've had people retire from frontrunning, but they're still around.

Our problem wasn't that we couldn't communicate, it was that we were communicating, a lot, and the main frontrunners were very aware of our presence and they didn't know how to give us the time and space we needed while being able to give a semblence of "sanity" to the earth world. A lot of makeshifts ensued, none of which were very satisfactory.

trauma memories

[zamisista.livejournal.com]

Hey there, this is J
Thanks for your post. The little ones are tired right now so I'm answering. Funny about what you all said. We recently went back to and processed a trauma memory that JD (our teen) had and our therapist got very confused between JD in the memory (where he was younger) and JD who lives in the System today. Also another time we went back and rescued another little and brought her to live with us (she didn't know about the rest of us before that), our therapist seemed to think that she was a memory not a person who had been living inside but cut off from everyone else. So I agree that they find it confusing.

Anyway for now, we've come to a compromise with our therapist. She agreed to respect our desire not to integrate/merge and we agreed to continue working on the traumatic memories so that everyone inside can feel better. Also she stated that in her experience, people who merge can chose to unmerge if it doesn't feel good. So we felt less like we might accidently merge and get trapped that way.

I just don't know why some of these singletons think that everyone should be like them. Thank God there are some therapists who have the humility to listen to what we want and how we live. I personally have never lived alone and I can't imagine why that would be better than having an inside family to take care of each other. Well that's my rant.

On another note, I do hear you all about the difficulty of sharing time. We still haven't worked out an equitable system that doesn't leave the body completely exhausted from everyone wanting to do their thing. And to be honest, I tend to monopolise the body and not leave enough time for the little ones to do their thing. We tend to try to spend plenty of time away from outsiders so we can let anyone be out who wants/needs to without drawing comments.


thanks again
J