Notes for pdoc tomorrow

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

I don't think it is going to work out with the new therapist. I am too odd. I let slip that I talk to my voices sometimes and this was at odds with what Hugh (the outgoing therapist) was trying to present to her (that I didn't think my voices were 'real'). I think I EXPERIENCE them as real. And then he was trying to present my feelings as that I felt I was at the 'best time in my life' and I quoted Tale of Two Cities saying 'it's the best of times, it's the worst of times' saying externally things seem very bad but internally I have reached a watershed in that I have forgiven my father and come to an understanding of the abuse, which has been a major hurdle which he helped me achieve.


I felt it was best to be honest about the voices. I have to be honest or else I get paranoid that I will be found out. It gets very lonely in here, but I feel I must be shielded most of the time, from potential triggers that cause mental avelanches. I spend probably 95 to 99 percent of my time indoors. I have concerns that the police are going to come in, esp. when I have my headphones on and can't hear anything outside my head. I fear they're going to surprise me. This, the rational selves, like James(38) and to an extent Jim(17) remind me, over and over, is the PTSD, is the rememberence of the parents constantly coming into the room, usually without knocking, which was my only safety zone from their constant madness, all through childhood, and beyond. Even as I type this I glance at the door between sentences expecting to see the knob turning. I know this is irrational. I cannot lie on my bed, from which I can't see the door, without now feeling nausous and now have to sleep on the floor so I can see the door in case anyone comes in. I know rationally that the door has a good strong lock on it but then I know the staff has passkeys. The only solution seems to be to get some kind of extra lock for the door, but somehow I feel this is not going to make a difference.

I am also concerned about being evicted and the place catching fire. These concerns seem immune to any kind of reasoning or CBT processing although the CBT training LIMITS how far it goes, it doesn't eliminate the fears completely. I am caught between constantly turning the computer (my only link to the outside world beside my phone) off and on, which is not good for the computer, and leaving it on while I leave, which makes me think something will short circuit and catch aflame when I leave. I am very eager to limit my time away. I will turn it off if I am away for long periods.

Whenever I open the door I always fully expect to see an eviction notice on the door, that I've done something wrong, but this hasn't happened in the 6 or 7 years I've been here.

Lately I have noticed a lot of thumps and yells and carrying on of neighbors around me often quite violent and outrageous, probably these are rambunctious college students, and strange smells, like lighter fluid. I think sometimes this is them having a bbq below me but I look down and they are not having one. This used to be the case. Lately for some reason, God only knows why, the whole apartment has taken to shaking like a drum in these vibrations that will last up to 5 seconds. I don't know if these are the pipes (again, the rational parts say so) but the irrational parts say this is because agents of the government have rented out agecent (sp?) apartments to me and are sending cancer-causing vibrations through my walls. This latter explanation lies currently in the realm of recurring THOUGHT from the irrationals like Phinny and JimB, but it is not in the realm of BELIEF.

I continue to do art therapy which is very healing for us and allows the collective to cooperate and work together wholly and this is the only real therapy I receive now, but I am very depressed when I feel I cannot do it... I have spurts of activity and some plateau activity, but then I get to these points where I am 'frozen' like an invisible hand is pressing me back into the bed when I try to do the simplest thing. Then I usually sleep and usually wake feeling kind of numb and 'corpse-like' and nauseated. These paralytic periods will last for a while sometimes 2 or 3 days. I think they might be related to dehydration. I think what I am experiencing is some kind of sleep paralysis. Someone told me that sleep paralysis is somehow related to not drinking enough water. I feel I don't drink enough water. I have problems drinking enough water, I feel. I feel at times I am compulsively avoiding water.

In one of these states I wrote the following:


"Today not such a good day in the p.m. feel kiind of ''stuck in the headlights' but in the a.m. it was very nice, I got together with Stephen and he took me out to lunch at Denny's. Think I got some kind of germ or something off a homeless guy last night. Did my laundry. I was thinking about tires and the radio said something about tires. Cuz I had a dream about going over the spikes the wrong way and getting all my tires ripped. And then stepping on a cat, very thoughtlessly, and not even realizing it, at the place where they were fiing it. And then I thought, 'before it was a bike, now it is a car' and the radio said something about a car. And somehow I take this to mean it's not going to work out with the therapist. I should get some salad and water. But I feel like I can't move right now. 'Nuclear mothers' something says. 'Yes I do'. I had a dream all the lights and power went out and I woke up immediately and they were all on."



Socially I have to conduct things largely through the computer because of the potential for the trigger effect or sensory overload in person. I recently took a trip up to the station by bus and it exhausted me for almost a week even though I didn't deal with that many people who were new. There is a hypersensitivity that physically, mentally and emotionally wears me out, to be around unfamiliars or people I haven't dealt with in a while, taking in 'new information beyond my control'. It's too stressful. But I can do it if I'm with one person at a time usually or if I'm familiar with them. If not, there is too much stress. Stephen and I go out every other week. And that is good for me because I'm familiar with him and he's aware of my problems and doesn't care and is not put off by my illness. And since this is the case, and he has stated it to me many many times, I find I can relax with him and the 'ill ones' inside of me can relax and not get riled up that they will be discovered. They simultaneously are exhibitionistic and fear being discovered. They wish to, at times, 'pre-empt' discovery as well as hide. Stephen knows they are there, in his terms that I am 'ill' and hear voices and so on, and it doesn't matter to him. So he is a dear friend.

The Abilify has worked in the sense that it has greatly stopped or put the brakes on the downward spiral I was on before I took it so in that it is a godsend, but in retrospect it had a 'blowback effect'. What happened was that the sick ones, inside, got scared that this meant that they were going to lose all support, now being considered 'well'. When Roberto declared to us 'Jim, you seem okay', they immediately came forward switched into the body and displayed themselves. They have been TERRIFIED of being in a situation, again, of having to work a job and being without benefits, because you see, we all TRIED to go off the benefits with very disastrous results. We were far far far less self aware. What happened was Jim(17) (we recognize now in retrospect) took over and we all went along with this, thinking it was a good idea, that we were all going to be 'well'. We were going to force it by force of WILL. He was going to lead us through his energy and willfullness. But the sick ones' influence mucked everything up in the end and their need to be expressed, of course. And Phineas's pain of course. We lost our therapist, our Medicare, our job, our SSA and almost our life. It was a very traumatic time and each attempt just added to the trauma. So the sick ones are very very traumatized by this but I think James(38) has come to an understanding with them and has been able to reason with them to the point where they are not constantly afraid and in need of reassurance constantly. We feel we need to minimize contact betweeen Alliance and ourselves, ironically, and Roberto, because they are triggering in this respect. We realize at this point now that we are on the road less travelled and are essentially alone and it is pointless to be angry, so angry, at people like Roberto who is overworked terribly and is trying to hold on and help people. We are trying to help people too, through the computer. It should be noted that James(38) and esp. Jim(17) are still very eager to move on with things and this is in conflict with Phinny and JimB who are traumatized and sick and wish to remain behind.

Comments

[aynetal3.livejournal.com]

Hi. I just wanted you to know that I read your entry. Some of our infants and toddlers are sick and scared alot too. I think there is a lack of trust for some of the older parts in external situations as well, but maybe not as severe as you. At least most days we can work. Sometimes we think real little of outside people and don't trust their motives. No point here, just that we identified with you in a tiny important way. Hope you feel better. We liked that you shared.

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing too

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Much of what you describe is familiar to us; many of us frontrunners have some degree of PTSD. We would have this whether we were multiple or not, due to circumstances similar to those you describe (invasion of privacy, &c.) Mine is a bit different, since it's related to something that occurred recently. Rather than opening doors, I find myself distressed by the sound of a ringing telephone.

Many of your physical symptoms remind me of my periodic anxiety attacks. I shan't go into too much detail, but they can indeed be an inconvenience. I tended not to sleep well when I had them, and if you don't sleep well, a myriad of other symptoms can occur, mental and physical. Fortunately we've a healer or two around here who's a fair hand with herbs for sleep.

I can understand your worry about being declared "well" and therefore losing needed support. We've a friend or two like that. Some people really do need a period of time to collect themselves and sort out their feelings and emotions so that they can handle activities of daily living. Unfortunately, the present climate in America is not very conducive to compassion in these matters. For example, mental patients are now "mainstreamed" -- dumped on the streets to fend for themselves.

One of our strongest guardians is also our most vigilant. He'd recognise at once your worries over mucking up somehow and being evicted, or forgetting to pay an important bill. Fortunately he's also fairly practical and solves most of these problems by keeping lists and phone numbers within easy reach. If we think we haven't paid a bill, we can call the utility in question and inquire. And when we do pay them, we're careful to note it down. There are many such strategies, which you've no doubt encountered in one form or another in the course of cognitive-behavioural therapy.

You seem to have such people in your system, also. Can one of them stand with you when you need to be in public situations? Our guardians' presence is infinitely comforting to those of us who are uncomfortable in social groups.

(The lighter fluid, I'm being told, is likely real. Your neighbours may be inhaling solvent to get high. They'll give themselves brain damage that way. You're safe, because you're not breathing large amounts of it in an enclosed space. If the shaking of your apartment is rhythmic, check for a stereo system with a subwoofer; this is the sound that creates the obnoxiously loud bass used by many rap aficionados in their cars.)

I can also sympathise with your dilemma about whether or not to come out multiple to your therapist. Another multiple of our acquaintance sought therapy for a non-multiplicity-related problem, but wanted the option to refer to system members as persons. They sought and eventually (amazingly) found a therapist who could accept 1) that they were multiple; 2) that they did not have multiple personality disorder; 3) that the multiplicity was not the presenting problem.

I wish you good luck and encourage you to continue posting.

Thank you

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for such a comprehensive reply. Yes James(38) who we refer to as 'the adult' tends to things like writing down things, keeping schedules, getting up on time, etc. but there are times when the sick one's needs take precedence and we 'switch' depending on circumstance.

The lighter fluid... never thought of that. The building is kind of going to hell as less and less yuppies can afford to live here and more and more Section 8 people are moving in. Unfortunately not a lot of these people are well-behaved and a lot are on drugs. I used to be but I've been clean for a year and a half. Thanks for the reality check on the THRUM going through here. It isn't rhythmic but rather sustained. Not sure what it is.

Thanks for your encouragement to keep posting.

Current climate: my review doesn't come up officially until 2005. They may do something to SSI before then? If not at least I've got Section 8. I don't know how long that will last or how securie it is. We will try to hang in there and take it one day at a time. Can't take things TOO seriously knowing that at any moment the earth can be hit by an asteroid and all bets are off and that's a constant. Kind of have to surrender to that helplessness and relax. That's a little mental trick I use at times that gives us a strange comfort. "The serenity to accept the things we cannot control..."

Take care.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

Could the noise be machinery or a factory etc nearby? Or a building site? We live near some industrual places and workshops, and we hear some pretty odd noises at all hours of the night. We also hear the trains, and occasionally we hear the horns of boats entering and leaving the harbour.

Could it be an electrical conductor of some sort? I know that some places over here you every now and then see a big grey contraption high up attatched to the power pole, and it makes a constant kind of humming noise, loud enough to hear it from across the street if there aren't many cars.

Probably way off the ball, but just my ideas.

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

I think that is what it is. I think there is a consturction site near here. (I'm near San Jose State and they are doing construction work nearby I know because I can hear that all-clear horn being sounded) and it must be something from that construction site that's causing the vibration, I bet. Thank you for that suggestion.

A friend of mine has a phobia about other people's stereos coming in through his walls and he was having a big problem with this until he realized the music wasn't coming from a neighbor's stereo, it was coming from nearby Shoreline Amphitheater where they were having concerts. After he learned this he calmed down.

I am glad I have you, and this community to help me figure these things out cuz if I had told my pshrink that he might have upped my meds or changed my meds or something, that's how they think.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

No problem. :o)

It's hard to be objective about things when you're right in the situation. Sometimes you just need another person's point of view, and the picture gets a whole lot clearer. Hope you'll feel a lot better about things now. I get paranoia and hypervigilance when I'm stressed out, and it's a horrible state to be in.

Who needs Jessica Fletcher? We can be a real bright bunch, if we put our heads together. ;o)

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

:0) You know the ironic part is there WAS a fire today in this huge building and it was my next door neighbors, these rowdy college kids who were trying to have a bbq on their small balcony and it got out of control! There was smoke in the hallway and I had to call 9-1-1. They said to knock on doors on the way out, which I did. I grabbed my master recordings, most of them, and even as I was leaving one of us, I think the one I call 'The Guide' said to leave the door open and it's a good thing I did cuz it looks like the firemen tried to get inside in their haste, the trim off the bottom of the door was broken and there were scratch marks on the door. They would have axed it if it were locked. This cuz I was the one who called, see, they had my number.

Anyway, as miracles would have it just as I was evacuating the building, feeling like Sigourney Weaver going past all those alarms and lights, my friend JANOR shows up right then. Out of the blue. So he's over here now.

Things have calmed down. I'm going to take this as a positive sign instead of a negative one, that the chances of it happening again are slim, like Garp and the airplane. I think those people will get kicked out. I hope that sticks with the others and we don't get frozen more in here. I start therapy next week. It was good to have Janor show up when he did. It helped us process things and feel safe.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

I don't think the police can just walk in and surprise a person even if they've got a warrant - think they're required to knock and announce themselves - and if they don't have a warrant, they're not supposed to come in uninvited at all. I realize that rational arguments don't always work on irrational fears, though. Can you install a couple of slide-bolts on the inside of your door, so you can fasten it securely even against someone with a passkey or lock-picks?

I sometimes have trouble drinking water too, because the taste and texture of it seem weird to me. I can deal with it better as mint tea, either hot or cold. It's easiest to drink plain water right after I've brushed my teeth, so I drink as much of it as I can at that time. Can you designate an amount of water to drink every day, and keep track of how much you actually drink? I try for three liters, but two is a good amount - if you drink two liters a day for a week, any problems caused by not drinking enough water should subside, so you'll know that any problems that remain are not from that.

Good luck to you; I hope things go better for you.

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your suggestions and observations they are good ones. It may help to know they can't just walk in without a warrant. I obviously have a hard time, with the switching, establishing structure. I'm going to try to maintain a log keeping track of water, sleep, meds, food, cuz I'm losing track of that. I feel like the guy from Memento now a bit. I have a half liter bottle so I'm going to try and drink 6 of those a day. I'm going to try. Thank you so much for the well wishes and support, hopefully this will work.

[xerne.livejournal.com]

About two years ago, my roommate and Sephi, one of the kids in our system, were out in the backyard of our apartment, playing something along the lines of cops and robbers. Sephi had a toy cap gun that we'd gotten a couple years ago - someone had left caps in it and it melted, but it was cool to play with even though it didn't fire.

Apparently someone in one of the other apartments called the police and told them a girl in the back yard had a gun. The cops showed up and arrested us pretty violently, I won't go into details because I don't want to freak anyone out, but my roommate and some of the people in our system (including me) all have greater or lesser degrees of post-traumatic stress resulting from the situation.

I would definitely recommend getting a bolt or chain lock for your door. A new lock did wonders in calming people down and letting us sleep again. If you're not allowed to install one, you could buy a travel alarm or (the solution I used when at home with my parents) find a chair to prop under the doorknob.

For worries about fires, do you have a sprinker and smoke detector in your room? I don't know whether building codes in your area would require them, some do. If not, you can get a smoke detector and install it yourself (then you at least can sleep without worrying too much, almost anything will set off a good smoke detector) and if you are worried that you will lose your masters or other valuables you can get a fireproof box someplace like Walmart and put things in there so you don't have to worry about something happening to them while you're away.

Hope some of this helps.

[rubber-shirt.livejournal.com]

These are all very good suggestions! thank you. I will have to talk to some of my friends and see what the best lock could be or look it up on the internet I think that some kind of bar lock would be best.

And a fire proof box I hadn't thought of that. That is excellent. I'm going to put these on my list of things to do. And do them as soon as I can. Thanks again!