Transferring btwn states of acknowledgement

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to tell when I am who. There are little cues, sometimes, like manner of dress or emotional comportment, but I have to look from the outside in, in order to see these. Then there are the dreams, and the identifications with concepts/characters outside myself.
-excerpted from effeteifrit


Now see, with some exceptions, I have mostly interpreted feeling myself experiencing the above as it is described to mean that whether I am "multiple" or simply quite multi-faceted, I am functional enough that it no longer has to alienate or disturb me. That I have always had different names even as a child, what does that really mean? So does the child who is playing make believe, pretending to be two people talking back and forth.



There are times/"parts"/"aspects" to my day-to-day memory that will contain either more or less awareness of my history, both emotionally and in my intellectual attempts to analyze what I know of the personality/ies I have. Whether this is me having awareness of the others in me who have their own awareness when I am not present, or whether this is me utilizing some type of extended or alternate awareness that filters through differing perspectives than I typically feel or have, seems less critical for me to know at this point than it used to. Like being gay or straight, the important part seems to be to have found a place where I am not utterly hiding from the reality of it as it is manifest in me.


If it helps *me* to recognize others in me as there, which it often does, then that is a safe and healthy thing to do. It doesnt always, and I suppose I just dont think about that framework, when it is likely to feel uncomfortable and unsafe to acknowledge as such. I have had times where the other main self in me used to react poorly to not being acknowledged, but that side has become more forgiving of this side of me over the years. I used to think this was my unconscious. She is not, though she is able to communicate with my unconscious (occasionally using my dreams) and my conscious both from her own unique perspective. Does she need to have special pieces of clothing or a trademark external style that signifies her? Not now that she doesnt feel like it's her or me. (That side of me is not easy to confuse with my side of things. Too different.)


Ok, as I've been writing this... it is a perfect example of how I start out with one level of knowledge, one perspective, and actually my general point was going to be that I'm mostly not multiple like how I have heard of it in the classic sense of the word...and by the end of the paragraph above, here I am again. I find myself receiving answers to my questions from 'the other side of me' at the last line of my monologue. I am unexpectedly struggling, sentence by sentence, not to sound contradictory from the beginning thrust of my entry. How can I have such separate awareness levels of who or what is going on inside me?**


I guess it hurts part(s) of me's feelings ('me' being defined as all that is in this being, not as 'mine individually') for me to say I am only just this person typing here. Yet, it frustrates me that if there be others within as they claim they are within, why do they not come out and help me more? L used to. L bent everything around in order to make contact with me and be out, and now she doesnt seem to manifest on her own, and co-fronting with her in the background just frustrates us both since I am not ballsy enough to do what she would choose us do. L***, are you out of energy? Are you fading away? Why arent you here like you used to be?


[she asks me pointedly and so I ask myself as my form of translation goes thru here...]'Why am I not remaining more conscious like I used to. If I had not submerged my head into obliviousness, I would not be asking these questions.'


[somehow *I* who started this monologue have ended up in the bracketed areas, and the main thrust of words come from her now]


I have gotten you through this and signalled you in so many ways. [I love you!] I love you.
[What do you think about Tony?]
He better not get in my way.




**In answer: It's called partial denial.


I guess I got a different answer to the question I thought I had already started answering. This is my first post in this community. I get so much from reading other people on here's process and thoughts on things. I decided to include my own processing since it was sparked while contemplating an entry, and also because there is no where else to post such things for me.

Comments

[nancy-nensi.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the community.

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

thank you

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Yet, it frustrates me that if there be others within as they claim they are within, why do they not come out and help me more?

Are they obligated to help you? I only help because I want to, out of respect and love for my headmate. If you want them to help, give them a reason to.

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

Well, they live here too. Why shouldnt they have an obligation to help? Actually, there is only (that I have any knowledge of) one other 'adult' and one 'child.' It is the other adult I am pleading with here really. Especially since I remember internal communications in the past taunting me to just kill myself because I apparently handle life so ineptly from other points of view. Essentially, if people dont like how I'm doing it, then I feel they should chip in to improve the circumstances more directly. There is love here, but I feel there is also duty. Maybe it's just a communication problem. I really dont fully understand the 'down times' when others arent apparently available or there when I do seek them.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Well if they're taunting, there's very much an element of "If you think you'd be so fucking good at it, why don't you fucking try?", I'll admit that. But beyond that? Eh, your life your problems :P Sad but true I guess. That's how a lot of people might view it. If the problems don't bother them, if your situation doesn't bother them, then why should they bother trying to change it? If they don't want to help and it *does* bother them, then they should shut up and let you do your job instead of heckling. I'm all for personal responsibility :P If they want change, they should either help or shut it. If they don't want change... s'all on you ^^

Ofc, if they're just heckling for the fun of it, they should grow up some :P

I used to be unavailable frequently. Some people here occasionally disappear. It happens, though we have a more walk-in type situation, but I hear it happens in other system types too.

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

Interesting. Your life your problems

I am trying to wrap my mind around that. Suddenly, I feel codependent within myself. *grin*

I guess I fear that she has all but given up on me and no longer does care what happens because I have not had advice, interference, help, or heckling in like a year. I know she didnt like the company I picked up, but to not be around for that long is discomfitting. She isnt dependent on me to acknowledge her, or vice versa, but I feel like she really has the backbone of the two of us, and she kinda bailed when I could've used her help getting out of some situations that sucked.

No wonder I have been in denial.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Eh, I grok, really. Even when I was still very distant, Lu was essentially the same. She would have felt very much... well, without the backbone of the system if I had just bailed and stopped being around so much. But at the end of the day, it was my perogative to do so, because it wasn't my life to care about.

These days, I have a reason to help. I live this life too, and I love Lu, so I want to help. And because I take such an interest in the problems, because I am one of the ones who lives this life, keeps this life going, I have an obligation to help.

If she wants to take part more in the pleasant things, it might give her motivation (or you the leverage) to help. If she doesn't want to though, meh. Yeah. It sucks, I grok, I really do. But that's people for you. You can't make them.

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

True :)

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Just speaking out of our experience, people only get in and help when they feel invested in things. We've always had multiple fronters, but sometimes who were working in opposite directions. :)

So to get one person to cooperate at work, for example, we had to commit to spending some of that salary on things she wanted, and also that she would be able to make the friends she wanted, and also -say- things at work. Etc. And we had to offer that first and let her feel it out. So it might help if you considered what that person would like your help with in exchange for his/hers with yours.

[posywink.livejournal.com]

We wanted to kind of back up what shandra has said - we come around only when we sense that there's a place for us. Sometimes, our mastermind (MM) - the "dominant" person on our team, if you will - just forges ahead and occupies all the bodily and mental energy, and we can't even squeeze in to ride shotgun. Then, when she needs our help with something - oops! - we're not there. We generally don't do this to prove a point; rather, it's just a matter of, "are we needed? Does this situation even pertain to us?" And if we're not so much as being acknowledged, there's no place in the matter for us, and so we naturally stay back.

Also, it's quite common for us to answer each other's questions. We'll interpret such an exchange as a dialogue within headspace. Y'know, two (or more) of us are having a conversation/lively debate, contradicting each other and so forth. We never really thought of it as having separate awareness levels, although if we think about it, there are things about MM that she never realized until we pointed them out to her. Ditto with more of us. So that could be construed as separate awareness levels, yeah.

Maybe you two really are separate people and not just facets. Self-discovery is fascinating and really fun (as we've found out). Would you want to stay open to the possibility?

-- Craig, Jerry, and Nicky

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

I am beginning to see how much sense that makes. Thanks for the ideas :)

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

It's a little bit frightening of a prospect, but certainly more realistic and functional than ignoring reality half the time. I am wary of her uncarefulness in general life; I feel like she dashes into things and takes too many risks and liberties that can be embarrassing.
Of course, she feels I am the uncareful one because I am 'too weak' to break away if something is a mistake or not working well.
Overall, it would still be way better than without her though. The biggest thing she seems to want is to be able to call all the shots and be the authority between us. I think she sees me as her subordinate. It's a heady ride for me when she is around with me. I am getting tired though, and she has so much more energy for all these enmeshing tasks...
thanks for your thoughts. stuff for me to think about.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

It's fair enough to try and limit her. Like Lu saying to me "okay, today we'll buy some stuff you want, but don't spend too much/buy stuff you'll never use." It can make some people angry, but if they want the perks, they can't just mess around with the life. If they want to spend a lot, or buy stuff they won't use, they should have to look after some of the work to pay it off. Personal responsibility. Letting someone have some good things doesn't mean you have to let them walk over you and your life =) And you'd be suprised how responsible some normally 'off the wall' headmates can be when they feel they're being taken more seriously.

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

Bizarre. It's like you know. :^)

And you'd be suprised how responsible some normally 'off the wall' headmates can be when they feel they're being taken more seriously.

You are right about me. I am strongly motivated by trust, by mutual and unabridged loyalty, not 'calling all the shots.'

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

"Yet, it frustrates me that if there be others within as they claim they are within, why do they not come out and help me more?"

Help you with what?