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multiplicity_archivesI'm writing in right now because I'm trying to figure out what to do about my system...something needs to change. In the past I've dealt with difficulty making long-term decisions, like what college major I should be. Right now I'm attempting to deal with what my career choice should be--what kind of work I'll enjoy doing for the rest of my life. Obviously, career planning classes aren't made for people with other people living in them.
At the present time, I don't have the ability to tell everyone apart, and I usually have a difficult time telling who I am at any given moment. I'm not even sure that the schema or mental map that I've made up in the past to describe myself to myself still fits. I'm not sure that the identities I've named and conceptualized are the identities that exist. And I have little control over who is fronting when.
What I want is to be able to be myself--wholly myself--without other people peeping in and trying to give their input, while I'm still thinking that I'm totally myself. I want to be able to live. I want to be able to make decisions. I suppose this is maybe spurred on by my looking at physical transition again (female to male)--that is, using testosterone--and having to come up with a compromise instead of what I really wanted. I have to think about others and not just myself. And that's difficult.
It's difficult to make decisions for the group, taking into account that the others will eventually come into consciousness and may become very distressed over what I've done. But I don't know all the time what they feel. In regards to physical transition, it was fairly easy to sense what others felt, because I had physical symptoms of extreme anxiety (nausea, lightheadedness, etc). I don't know what to do when certain of us have certain interests and then I find later that others aren't interested in those activities. I don't know how I'm supposed to make plans for the future when I can't even depend on liking a hobby.
Anyway...as I said earlier, I've spoken to my psychiatrist about this. This person is very competent, and has earned my trust. She says that she will leave it up to me as to whether I desire integration or not. I'm thinking that either I'm going to have to do something which would involve my identifying each distinct entity further (which might possibly lead to my splitting further) in order to give the other entities in here some degree of soverignity over themselves (even if temporary), or I'm going to attempt to move in the direction of integration, to give at least one entity a degree of soverignity.
I guess I'm just frustrated. Kind of feel like I need to wipe the board clean and start again--but how can I do that? when each person has their own history going back? but still may not be now the same person they were then?
I (A.)...hesitate to say this, 'cause it makes me sound like an ass, but it seems that I might be exempt, due to the development I've gone through as of late. Bp. might also be exempt, due to the fact that he's a channeled being and we get the message that he insists he's not of this body. Both Bp. and myself...damn I sound like I'm writing fiction...both Bp. and myself, we're going through a time when we're both asserting our identities as separate people from the body. Aya has recently realized that I *am* male, and a man, regardless of what this body looks like (this, partially due to a recent dream I [A.] had). S/he has also recognized Bp. as a being unto himself, external from this body--though s/he is unsure as to whether he is still the same being as he was before, or whether s/he just wants him to be that being (when the entity s/he is referring to as Bp. now may not be the same entity as the former Bp.).
The reason I'm writing this is because I'm looking for other ways to deal with this rampant disorganization. I'm particularly looking for others to describe to me alternatives to integration, and what that will mean; also I'm wondering what integration in particular will mean for all of us.
Being called away at the moment, will check back later.
--Aya. and A.
August 7, 2006; 7:36 PM
edit, 8:47 PM: changed title
At the present time, I don't have the ability to tell everyone apart, and I usually have a difficult time telling who I am at any given moment. I'm not even sure that the schema or mental map that I've made up in the past to describe myself to myself still fits. I'm not sure that the identities I've named and conceptualized are the identities that exist. And I have little control over who is fronting when.
What I want is to be able to be myself--wholly myself--without other people peeping in and trying to give their input, while I'm still thinking that I'm totally myself. I want to be able to live. I want to be able to make decisions. I suppose this is maybe spurred on by my looking at physical transition again (female to male)--that is, using testosterone--and having to come up with a compromise instead of what I really wanted. I have to think about others and not just myself. And that's difficult.
It's difficult to make decisions for the group, taking into account that the others will eventually come into consciousness and may become very distressed over what I've done. But I don't know all the time what they feel. In regards to physical transition, it was fairly easy to sense what others felt, because I had physical symptoms of extreme anxiety (nausea, lightheadedness, etc). I don't know what to do when certain of us have certain interests and then I find later that others aren't interested in those activities. I don't know how I'm supposed to make plans for the future when I can't even depend on liking a hobby.
Anyway...as I said earlier, I've spoken to my psychiatrist about this. This person is very competent, and has earned my trust. She says that she will leave it up to me as to whether I desire integration or not. I'm thinking that either I'm going to have to do something which would involve my identifying each distinct entity further (which might possibly lead to my splitting further) in order to give the other entities in here some degree of soverignity over themselves (even if temporary), or I'm going to attempt to move in the direction of integration, to give at least one entity a degree of soverignity.
I guess I'm just frustrated. Kind of feel like I need to wipe the board clean and start again--but how can I do that? when each person has their own history going back? but still may not be now the same person they were then?
I (A.)...hesitate to say this, 'cause it makes me sound like an ass, but it seems that I might be exempt, due to the development I've gone through as of late. Bp. might also be exempt, due to the fact that he's a channeled being and we get the message that he insists he's not of this body. Both Bp. and myself...damn I sound like I'm writing fiction...both Bp. and myself, we're going through a time when we're both asserting our identities as separate people from the body. Aya has recently realized that I *am* male, and a man, regardless of what this body looks like (this, partially due to a recent dream I [A.] had). S/he has also recognized Bp. as a being unto himself, external from this body--though s/he is unsure as to whether he is still the same being as he was before, or whether s/he just wants him to be that being (when the entity s/he is referring to as Bp. now may not be the same entity as the former Bp.).
The reason I'm writing this is because I'm looking for other ways to deal with this rampant disorganization. I'm particularly looking for others to describe to me alternatives to integration, and what that will mean; also I'm wondering what integration in particular will mean for all of us.
Being called away at the moment, will check back later.
--Aya. and A.
August 7, 2006; 7:36 PM
edit, 8:47 PM: changed title
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