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multiplicity_archivesSo tell me, any of you ever been in a situation like this?
Little background quick, I'm part of a binary system where we co-fronted our entire life until a few years ago when we hit 17 or 18, at which point we each became individually self-aware and now operate as individuals. Becuase of this, however, we sort of try to live a single life between the two of us, and usually that works pretty well, we're fairly compatible personalities and we've been doing it for a long time. Lately we've had a lot of tension between each other, and it's resulting in things like this...
So there is someone I was really interested in, a singlet named Jen. I've sort of known her for like two years but we only really started talking a few months ago. Anyways, she and I tried to start a relationship about two, three weeks back, but we rushed into things too fast, our timing was terrible, and it fell apart before it even began. Even for the week we were together, we never actually had a single date...Three times we planned to go out, three times we cancelled. So when she says "this isn't working, as of last night I'm dating this other guy instead" about a week ago, I was naturally upset. Compounding that on top of everything else going wrong in my life, things ended up more than I could handle, so I withdrew inside our headspace, got all emo, and didn't come back out until last night - and that wasn't by choice, Pip pulled me out pretty forcefully.
Of course, where am I when I wake back up? Sitting next to Jen on her porch, her all friendly-like, almost more than when we were together. She knows the basics of how Pip and I work - but he neglected to draw attention to the fact that he was the one in control last week and she hasn't known us long enough to realize on her own. While I was with her, my understanding of how he felt was along the lines of "she's a cool person, fun to hang with, hot enough to sleep with, but too crazy to date" but when she realizes I'm me again and I tell her how long I've been out, the first thing she says is "Wait...so you're NOT the one who took me out on that lovely date the other day? You're not the one who flattered me by [doing randomly sweet stuff I won't explain here]?" Long story short, she's still dating this other guy but it's going nowhere, and while I was out Pip took her out (something I never was able to do), seriously impressed her (ditto), and she dropped hints the size of a commuter train that when she ends the not-quite-relationship with this other guy, if he was to ask her out this time she'd actually try to maintain a relationship and all that. But she thought it was me the whole time - she knows it was him now, though.
So now we're in an interesting position. I still really care about her and want to be with her - but apparently now so does Pip, and he's been much better than me at wooing her. She and I have a history, but they just had a week that sounds like it was probably better than anything we've ever had. This might normally not really be a problem, but since we've been trying to live more seperate lives lately instead of acting as one person, neither of us wants to just collectively date her, and I don't know if she'd be comfortable with that either (it certainly would be easier on her part that way, though. Like I said, she's a singlet, but she seems to actually understand how we work - she's never fallen into stereotypes or assumptions about us instead of simply asking, and most importantly really treats us as seperate individuals, something nobody has really truly done to us before...not like our trying to live one life hasn't encouraged people to treat us as one, admittedly.)
In all honesty, Pip really seems like a better match for her - but I'll admit I'm jealous and I want her for myself. I think she supports polygamy, but I'm very monogamous, so a poly relationship isn't really an option either...
Naturally, the only people to decide exactly how things will pan out for the three of us will be the three of us - but I'd like to know if any of you have had simliar experiences and how they panned out. Advice on how to handle the internal bit here would be appreciated, but general relationship advice does not apply...there's way too much I glossed over or didn't mention. Except maybe general relationship advice for multiple-singlet pairings.
~Dan
Little background quick, I'm part of a binary system where we co-fronted our entire life until a few years ago when we hit 17 or 18, at which point we each became individually self-aware and now operate as individuals. Becuase of this, however, we sort of try to live a single life between the two of us, and usually that works pretty well, we're fairly compatible personalities and we've been doing it for a long time. Lately we've had a lot of tension between each other, and it's resulting in things like this...
So there is someone I was really interested in, a singlet named Jen. I've sort of known her for like two years but we only really started talking a few months ago. Anyways, she and I tried to start a relationship about two, three weeks back, but we rushed into things too fast, our timing was terrible, and it fell apart before it even began. Even for the week we were together, we never actually had a single date...Three times we planned to go out, three times we cancelled. So when she says "this isn't working, as of last night I'm dating this other guy instead" about a week ago, I was naturally upset. Compounding that on top of everything else going wrong in my life, things ended up more than I could handle, so I withdrew inside our headspace, got all emo, and didn't come back out until last night - and that wasn't by choice, Pip pulled me out pretty forcefully.
Of course, where am I when I wake back up? Sitting next to Jen on her porch, her all friendly-like, almost more than when we were together. She knows the basics of how Pip and I work - but he neglected to draw attention to the fact that he was the one in control last week and she hasn't known us long enough to realize on her own. While I was with her, my understanding of how he felt was along the lines of "she's a cool person, fun to hang with, hot enough to sleep with, but too crazy to date" but when she realizes I'm me again and I tell her how long I've been out, the first thing she says is "Wait...so you're NOT the one who took me out on that lovely date the other day? You're not the one who flattered me by [doing randomly sweet stuff I won't explain here]?" Long story short, she's still dating this other guy but it's going nowhere, and while I was out Pip took her out (something I never was able to do), seriously impressed her (ditto), and she dropped hints the size of a commuter train that when she ends the not-quite-relationship with this other guy, if he was to ask her out this time she'd actually try to maintain a relationship and all that. But she thought it was me the whole time - she knows it was him now, though.
So now we're in an interesting position. I still really care about her and want to be with her - but apparently now so does Pip, and he's been much better than me at wooing her. She and I have a history, but they just had a week that sounds like it was probably better than anything we've ever had. This might normally not really be a problem, but since we've been trying to live more seperate lives lately instead of acting as one person, neither of us wants to just collectively date her, and I don't know if she'd be comfortable with that either (it certainly would be easier on her part that way, though. Like I said, she's a singlet, but she seems to actually understand how we work - she's never fallen into stereotypes or assumptions about us instead of simply asking, and most importantly really treats us as seperate individuals, something nobody has really truly done to us before...not like our trying to live one life hasn't encouraged people to treat us as one, admittedly.)
In all honesty, Pip really seems like a better match for her - but I'll admit I'm jealous and I want her for myself. I think she supports polygamy, but I'm very monogamous, so a poly relationship isn't really an option either...
Naturally, the only people to decide exactly how things will pan out for the three of us will be the three of us - but I'd like to know if any of you have had simliar experiences and how they panned out. Advice on how to handle the internal bit here would be appreciated, but general relationship advice does not apply...there's way too much I glossed over or didn't mention. Except maybe general relationship advice for multiple-singlet pairings.
~Dan
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-22 05:35 am (UTC)If it really just isn't an option, then you're pretty much stuck with "may the best mate win!!!" or both of you dumping her. Not great options, really.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-22 08:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-22 02:15 pm (UTC)j&ju.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-22 08:16 pm (UTC)I think the two key factors for us are my willingness to see and relate to them each as individuals, and their willingness to respect each other's relationship with me. They've had relationships which they have shared before, so they have some practice, which helps.
So in my experience it can work. But it takes a lot of open communication and respect.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-22 11:59 pm (UTC)As above either one of you ends up alone or you cope without. Otherwise, you can always try it and see if it works.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-23 12:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-23 01:54 am (UTC)Do you think your partner might become a multiple?
Or do you mean your current partner is a singleton, as opposed to a partner who came before or could come in the future?
Freya
Date: 2006-07-23 02:03 am (UTC)Messy indeed.
Date: 2006-07-23 09:10 am (UTC)--Me
Re: Messy indeed.
Date: 2006-07-23 08:20 pm (UTC)Re: Messy indeed.
Date: 2006-08-06 08:32 am (UTC)In fact, although there is occasional overlap, we have this nasty habit of being interested in different kinds of people. More specifically, we like qualities that amongst some can be considered mutually exclusive.
--Me