Thinking about 'coming out'

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

Someone over in asperger recently commented that no-one should have to hide what they are, whatever that happens to be. We thought, "if only it were that easy".

This morning, while lying in bed, we realised that it really doesn't have to be any harder than that. We could just, y'know, tell people.

And we realised that we truly want to. We're tired of keeping up the mask to all but one or two of our closest friends.

We'll be telling our boyfriend first. We do, as they say, "fear rejection" - more from him than the rest of our friends, because we have more to lose. Our friends are an accepting bunch, though. Soon we'll see how accepting.

Perhaps we'll lose our nerve. Perhaps this thought will vanish into the abyss of memory. But then, perhaps not.

We're set to visit our boyfriend in the beginning of June. We'll see how it goes.

Comments

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Yay a powerful decision. You probably don't need advice but here's some from our hard won experience so maybe you can avoid our mistakes. :)

1) Try to come out like there's something important but positive to say. 'Cause quite often the other person will take their cue from you and if you treat it like a Terrible Awful Horrible Secret, they will too.

2) Okay this is actually #1. Make LOTS of time to reconnect after - without going err "apeshit multiple" on them. Like the next day or soon thereafter go to a movie, play tennis, whatever it is you would normally do that's fun and you and NOT "hey now you can fingerpaint with our system kids!" or "now Lynn would like to tell you how much she is sick of your fucking pop music" or whatever. Because (and this is the biggest thing we learned) - the other person on some level is probably wondering "does this mean my girlfriend/friend/coworker/partner is GONE? That I have to be careful all the time?"

Some people do want to know names &c. right away and that's cool. But a lot of people first want to know "is my relationship to you okay????" And it helps a LOT if you plan in fun time to solidify the idea that yes! you like them! and yes! you will still be the person they go funky second hand shopping with!

3) Be prepared for a bad reaction. One of my friends SNARKED "so were you abducted by aliens too???" and I didn't talk to her for TWO YEARS because I was not in a headspace to handle it. Two wasted years, because when we did get back in touch she was fantastic and still is. It just shocked her and she said a stupid thing. (Like gee, I've never done that.) That doesn't mean you have to take being shit on. But you may, unlike me, want to be able to calmly say "I know it sounds crazy and I'm sorry it's uncomfortable - let's talk about it in a few weeks" and then, reconnect (see #2 above).

Part of that is being confident and grounded yourself. We all look for validation from others and that's fine... but you can't expect someone who's just now learning this to validate you right away. So you need to be in a headspace where you feel pretty okay with who you are. Ideally. In the real world it doesn't always happen that way.

4) Some people will not get over it. In my experience this was ultimately a very small percentage of people, but there were a couple. It sucks. But there are other people out there, in the end.

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice. Do you have any suggestions on how to let someone know that they've been speaking with more than one person for pretty much the entirety of the relationship?

(If memory serves, it's been a good while since any of us has handled a conversation solo. It helps, too, that our primary contacts with our friends are via IM, and we plan to explain to most people in text. We're far more articulate that way.)

[vox-vocis-vita.livejournal.com]

It helps, too, that our primary contacts with our friends are via IM, and we plan to explain to most people in text. We're far more articulate that way.

I'm the same way. I hate trying to talk/explain anything to someone face to face. I get flustered and stutter and say things like "ummm" and "uhh" a lot. God giving speeches in high school was a pain. I'm much better at explaining things with text.

Plus when it comes to things like multiplicity, when you explain it to someone over IM, its easier to direct them to sites that might help them understand it better.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

If you are fluid (we are very fluid and can sometime switch
voluntarilly - or at least if the other person is shadowing)

Talking to your friend:

You:

hmmmm... well you know - there are quite a few different people in
here (points to head) Lets see what thinks and ask
them to come forward.

Friend:

Maybe will not think it is a big thing.

If they say - what ? You have multiple personality - i say well
we don't like to be called personalities - we are people ;-)

[shandra.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Ummm... I'm thinking. I think I've just told them, when they've calmed down, things like "remember when you went to the food fair? That was Lyria!" But I usually also have tried to make the point from the start - sort of like "hey your friend is several people" rather than "I'm your friend and I'm multiple."

In AIM I'm not sure how it would work. I tend to want the body language for reassuring people just 'cause of who I am. I did tell a couple of friends via email but I don't think they felt ok with it 'til they actually saw me. But a lot of this was in the dark ages when the 'net was still less common than it is now.

I hope that makes sense. Not enough sleep or coffee yet. :-) I hope it goes really well.