Yay a powerful decision. You probably don't need advice but here's some from our hard won experience so maybe you can avoid our mistakes. :)
1) Try to come out like there's something important but positive to say. 'Cause quite often the other person will take their cue from you and if you treat it like a Terrible Awful Horrible Secret, they will too.
2) Okay this is actually #1. Make LOTS of time to reconnect after - without going err "apeshit multiple" on them. Like the next day or soon thereafter go to a movie, play tennis, whatever it is you would normally do that's fun and you and NOT "hey now you can fingerpaint with our system kids!" or "now Lynn would like to tell you how much she is sick of your fucking pop music" or whatever. Because (and this is the biggest thing we learned) - the other person on some level is probably wondering "does this mean my girlfriend/friend/coworker/partner is GONE? That I have to be careful all the time?"
Some people do want to know names &c. right away and that's cool. But a lot of people first want to know "is my relationship to you okay????" And it helps a LOT if you plan in fun time to solidify the idea that yes! you like them! and yes! you will still be the person they go funky second hand shopping with!
3) Be prepared for a bad reaction. One of my friends SNARKED "so were you abducted by aliens too???" and I didn't talk to her for TWO YEARS because I was not in a headspace to handle it. Two wasted years, because when we did get back in touch she was fantastic and still is. It just shocked her and she said a stupid thing. (Like gee, I've never done that.) That doesn't mean you have to take being shit on. But you may, unlike me, want to be able to calmly say "I know it sounds crazy and I'm sorry it's uncomfortable - let's talk about it in a few weeks" and then, reconnect (see #2 above).
Part of that is being confident and grounded yourself. We all look for validation from others and that's fine... but you can't expect someone who's just now learning this to validate you right away. So you need to be in a headspace where you feel pretty okay with who you are. Ideally. In the real world it doesn't always happen that way.
4) Some people will not get over it. In my experience this was ultimately a very small percentage of people, but there were a couple. It sucks. But there are other people out there, in the end.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2006-05-18 11:21 am (UTC)1) Try to come out like there's something important but positive to say. 'Cause quite often the other person will take their cue from you and if you treat it like a Terrible Awful Horrible Secret, they will too.
2) Okay this is actually #1. Make LOTS of time to reconnect after - without going err "apeshit multiple" on them. Like the next day or soon thereafter go to a movie, play tennis, whatever it is you would normally do that's fun and you and NOT "hey now you can fingerpaint with our system kids!" or "now Lynn would like to tell you how much she is sick of your fucking pop music" or whatever. Because (and this is the biggest thing we learned) - the other person on some level is probably wondering "does this mean my girlfriend/friend/coworker/partner is GONE? That I have to be careful all the time?"
Some people do want to know names &c. right away and that's cool. But a lot of people first want to know "is my relationship to you okay????" And it helps a LOT if you plan in fun time to solidify the idea that yes! you like them! and yes! you will still be the person they go funky second hand shopping with!
3) Be prepared for a bad reaction. One of my friends SNARKED "so were you abducted by aliens too???" and I didn't talk to her for TWO YEARS because I was not in a headspace to handle it. Two wasted years, because when we did get back in touch she was fantastic and still is. It just shocked her and she said a stupid thing. (Like gee, I've never done that.) That doesn't mean you have to take being shit on. But you may, unlike me, want to be able to calmly say "I know it sounds crazy and I'm sorry it's uncomfortable - let's talk about it in a few weeks" and then, reconnect (see #2 above).
Part of that is being confident and grounded yourself. We all look for validation from others and that's fine... but you can't expect someone who's just now learning this to validate you right away. So you need to be in a headspace where you feel pretty okay with who you are. Ideally. In the real world it doesn't always happen that way.
4) Some people will not get over it. In my experience this was ultimately a very small percentage of people, but there were a couple. It sucks. But there are other people out there, in the end.