Integration

[nancy-nensi.livejournal.com]

Nancy wants us to integrate. I don't.
Has anyone out there tried it?
If you become unified, just one person, can you ever get yourself back if you don't like it?
Is it even possible for two to become one?
I want to hear from people who have experience with integration. What are the pros and cons?

I would like to try becoming one person with Nensi if we can, if it's possible. Since we're in one body, it seems like it would be convenient to be one person. I don't really know whether it's practical or possible, and I won't try to make it happen as long as Nensi is against it, but I do want information. If integration means loosing the skills, personality, feelings, etc. of one of us in favor of the other one, then I don't want it. But I wonder if there is a way to blend the two and become one, without loosing anything.

Comments

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

umm.. just our two pence.. but our experience was very negative..
we tried that path.. and have spent the last 8 years recovering from that choice.we'll try to answer your questions

Yes we've tried it. Yes you can go back.. or the intergration can fail.. depends on how you look at it.. but for us it was possible. We hated it.. it was like loosing friends you grew up with.. we lost a hades of a lot more than we gained. We didn't remember how to do a lot of stuff.. we weren't interested in things.. we lost feelings towards our friends and hubby.. it was like remembering something you heard from another person.. or something you read about once.. all in all beyond not fun.. but every system is different.. these are our opinions.

[squnq.livejournal.com]

My therapist attempted to integrate my peers into me some years back, she succeeded in doing it to two of them (who I don't even have much memory of), but the rest persisted and were resistant to forced attempts through therapy. I was willing, they were not.

I don't consider it a bad experience, and I am better for it. However, I don't wish to try again for the time being, as I can survive and live my life quite successfully despite them or alongside them, depending on one's POV. In my instance, I fit the more traditional DID model where my peers retain memories of experiences this body experienced in childhood, and I have absolutely no desire to recover them.

I do have the memories of those who were integrated (and wish I didn't), and have their skills and some of their personality traits. However, because one of them was this body's original personality or "core" as it could be put, I am in the dubious position of having "hijacked" the body from its original owner and have been in complete possession of it for many years now.

[squnq.livejournal.com]

If you're referring to this anime ping-pong one, certainly, feel free.

[kasiawhisper.livejournal.com]

scary..

[luwana.livejournal.com]

Seconding the scary. Just, eeps.

I have heard of people de-integrating but seriously don't put your money on it.

The most important thing is that you lose *people*. Beyond that, it's all secondary and I am *very* glad I have no idea.

[catchild.livejournal.com]

OUr two cents. ..

While we won't integrate fully the way most folks use the term, we do occasionally meld into eachother on a temporary basis. Some of us (we are a large system) have melded permanently into each other. They say that those that melded into them were effectively very small splinters of themselves that they reclaimed. They didn't lose anything because the pieces were reclaimed before they actually developed into full people. (we have several full people who don't follow the standard DID modle and lots more who do and are very unsure of what they want to do.)

When a full meld\integration is done it hasn't been possible for the ones who went into the meld to seperate again. We don't push it and most of us find the idea of integration highly disturbing to downright phobic but there are a few who follow that path.

I hope this gives you the information you are looking for.

[meirya.livejournal.com]

Singlet here, but I'd like to chip in anyway if that's okay...

My boyfriend is a multiple. Last August, he tried integrating through ritual means. It worked... sort of. At first he was a somewhat coherant whole, though rather different than any of the individuals in the body, so I had to get to know a new person, and it was not always precisely a pleasant experience... It was what he wanted, though. He'd always wanted very badly to be a singlet. Not everyone in the body did, but in this case they went along with it. Somewhat.

But as time went on, his moods started fluctuating wildly. He became more and more emotionally unstable. Part of it was that he had to deal with everything on his own; there was no switching out to someone who could deal with something better. Part of it was that he was basically "out" 24/7; no rest except sleep. Adjusting to singlet life was difficult at times for him. But a big part of it was that he was cracking, splitting, falling apart, and it showed. Extreme instability, extreme mood swings.

His inner scenery had big black splits in it. Huge cracks. He was desperately trying to hold everything together, slapping a sort of tar on his innerself to force everything to stay integrated. Eventually it fell apart despite his best efforts, and one person at a time slowly broke free.

There was an interesting result, however. First of all, there had been a lot more "pieces" before the integration. Some were very obviously dissociated parts, very archetypal and one-sided. Those remained integrated, because they were pieces. A few others (numbering 6, including my boyfriend) were fully developed individuals, and those were the ones that de-integrated. Also, before the integration, they were a little archetypal themselves; afterwards, they were much more rounded, much more their own persons. I don't know if it's because of integration and break causing them to break more fully, or if they allowed themselves / were "allowed" to be more individual... I don't know. But now they are.

And now they've established clearer modes of communication; they've got a system of working together worked out; my boyfriend has accepted he's a multiple and even started to refer to the others as full people, refer to the system as "we", and even begun admitting advantages of multiplicity. They're a lot more healthy now.

I don't know what your situation is like; but there's an example of an integration and de-integration for you. If I were you, I wouldn't do it unless you were absolutely certain. From where I stand, there seem to be a lot of advantages to multiplicity that people often don't notice or admit. *shrug*

[kasiawhisper.livejournal.com]

wow.. thanks for this.. *hug* that sounded difficult..

[el-houria.livejournal.com]

hi.. my therapist says that as long as everyone has co-communication and that we are working on getting access to all of our history and facts that we dont need to integrate. she seems to think that is an old school approach. i am learning alot from not integrating and just listening to everyone and supporting the fronter. its hard. but i think its worth it to me cause i have people i dont even know yet and i dont want to loose them...they have information for me i need... good luck.. xoxo

[nancy-nensi.livejournal.com]

First of all, thank you all for talking with me. This is the first time I've talked with anyone who doesn't think it's basically wrong to have more than one inside.

If you don't remember how to do a lot of stuff, and you loose feelings towards your friends, and your memories are affected... I definitely don't want anything like that. That's what I'm afraid of: loosing part of who we are.
I'm wondering if "integration" is just putting parts of oneself to sleep, or into a coma.

I'm not used to living as more than one together, co-concious. Nensi lived in Italy, I lived in Oregon. Growing up, my family moved back and forth, living for a year or more at a time in one place, then going back to the other. When I moved permanently to Oregon, Nensi just stayed asleep... mostly gone... for 25 years. In all that time, we both thought we were the same person, had no clue there were two of us. I lived as a "singleton".
A year and a half ago I somehow found Nensi. At first I thought I had unlocked a part of my memories that had been forgotten over time, and somehow reconnected the ability to speak Italian fluently, without fumbling for words or having an american accent. Then I found out that what I had found was actually separate, not me. I was really startled the first time that she disagreed with me about something... memories can't have disagreements! Neither of us wanted to admit that we were anything other than "parts of me", but over time we realized that we really are separate.
During the first few months, she kept going back to sleep. One time I got scared and upset about things that were going on in my life, and I went away, leaving her to front... she panicked. She was afraid she would have to deal with the life I've created over the last 25 years, without me. Each time one of us went to sleep, it was hard to get that person back.

If we wanted to just be one person, by one of us going to sleep, we could have easily done that. Neither of us wants that. I'm beginning to think that integration is just putting someone into hybernation. That stinks.

What I would like to do may not be possible. I'm wondering if there is a way to become one person, but be all that each of us is, rolled into one. I realize there would not be someone inside to have conversations with... neither of us has really gotten used to that, even after a year and a half. But I'm not willing to loose any of her wit, her personality, her likes, her interests, her skills, who she is... or any of that stuff about me. I don't want to simply get rid of her while retaining her skills and memories, or get rid of me while retaining my skills and memories. I suppose it's probably impossible.

[el-houria.livejournal.com]

you are brave. i think you can acheive co consciousness and get what you are looking for. that way you and nensi can talk to eachother and share the front and you wont loose time or memories. just my two sense.. you are very brave for learning about yourself so deep.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

I thought i was singlet for many years when we were living behind
a facade. Every year in September the facade would need some work
and we would have some trouble.

For the last 5 years i thought that there was a spring/summer person
and a fall/winter person.

Last March we were not able to create a new facade and we realized
the full reality of the situation. Nowadays we simple take shifts
and keep the neccessities of surviving well in mind.

According to us and another multiple we know who 'integrated' it was more like having many behind a filter that related with the
world. Most people save for one friend would have said that we
were one or integrated before last march.

As far as theraputic integration, we have no interest in it. It
seems like imposing inelegance on what is an elegant and functional system.

The other multiple we speak of is now loosing her facade.... One
year after we did...

[nancy-nensi.livejournal.com]

Ok, I think I had misunderstood what "Integration" means. From reading all you people's comments, I think integration would just be returning to the way I was before Nensi woke up, or putting her in charge and just going to sleep myself. That would be a great loss, either way.
Thank you all very much for sharing your experiences with me!

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

There are therapists who say that integration is simply the recognition and
acceptance of all feelings, people and experiences.

[higlearn.livejournal.com]

I recently spontaneously merged with Jack, my past life ego from the 60s. We've appeared to have switched our interior appearances. It's very strange. It's a bit troubling, since he's a gay male, so now I feel like a ftm gay man. Plus, I occasionally get weird past life flashbacks from the Vietnam war. Strange!

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

catskillmarina said: According to us and another multiple we know who 'integrated' it was more like having many behind a filter that related with the
world.

That is about my understanding of it. It's like, if you talk to people who claim to be 'ex-gay,' the honest ones will admit that it's not that they aren't still attracted to people of their own sex-- they just try not to act on it.

My opinion is that to some degree most people are interacting through the world with a filter that screens out 'socially inappropriate' comments and behaviors, etc-- in the case of single people, it's also screening out embryonic impulses of Otherness, or at least keeping them to a level where they don't interfere with the 'main personality's' illusion of solidarity. Or keeping them at the level of 'voices in the head,' whatever the primary is comfortable with allowing.

So, integration... even the systems I've known who described themselves as fitting the trauma model have had a hard time with it. Most of the integrations I've known either:

a. spontaneously differentiated again after a while
b. resulted in one person being held in place at the front, or created to take the front, with the others repressed, but re-emerged after a time
c. resulted in one person being held in place at the front or created to take the front, with the others prevented from accessing it, but still in communication with each other.

I wouldn't consider any of the 'one person at the front' situations to be true integration, yet there are some therapists who insist that it is, or attempt to make out that co-consciousness equals integration. Some of this may have been because their supervisors wanted to hear that integration was taking place, so they stretched the definition a bit. Often it was the 'low-level' clinicians who knew perfectly well that a lot of these integrations were illusions, or deliberate deceptions, but the doctors didn't want to hear it.

I personally suspect that a lot of people who describe themselves as having integrated had simply found multiplicity to be a useful metaphor for 'understanding aspects of myself,' and had reached a point where the metaphor was no longer needed or desirable.

All of this is my opinion, of course. I'm one of the types of people who thinks the idea of the single unitary self is an illusion anyway.


~Riel

[hello-horror.livejournal.com]

Hello,

We thought we'd integrated, or at least went dormant for a long time after taking seroquel, but now we're back. I've lost a lot of time, but I think I'm older than I used to be. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

-Silver

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Psychiatric drugs are known for messing up communication so that it looks like there's been integration, or, more commonly, that everyone except one person has disappeared.

This is why more and more doctors have started to prescribe them, especially the antipsychotics, as 'treatments' for multiplicity. Because the goal, apparently, is simply just to make everyone else disappear nowadays, not to work with them.