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multiplicity_archivesHi everybody. What's under the cut is a work in progress. Basically I don't have time to explain to my 'Pregnancy and After Care' worker, as well as other people who don't know much about Multiplicity, how being Plural affects (or doesn't affect) my ability to parent, so writing it down for them to review seems to be an ideal solution. We could really use some feedback. Please note, however, that we are referring to our case in particular when we write, which has some trauma history as well as particular mechanisms we happen to have that others may not necessarily share. We also use minimal references to MPD/DID, but as you'll see it's for a good reason. We especially could use some more responses to our last bit on "parenting assets".
On Plurality and Parenting
• Myth #1: stress is a trigger that causes me to ‘switch’ to another personality
In Reality: First off, we find the term ‘personality’ offensive. We are fully developed people, not fragments. Stress is a trigger for my anxiety, and can also be so for other people in my multiple system. However, it is only in case of absolute emergency (such as being under physical threat), that a switch may automatically occur. It is similar to hypervigilance, a state normally experienced by those with PTSD. When under stress, my system already has developed a number of techniques to help itself cope. We help one another as a team. When one person suffers, the rest of us are there to help them out. If a person is too overwhelmed to remain completely ‘at the front’ we do have people who can come out as back-ups. These people do not vary much in tone of voice or demeanor from 'Jen' (we have trained them to be this way when dealing with work or family situations in the past), and therefore are not disruptive in child-rearing situations.
• Myth #2: All multiples ‘lose time’ when they are not ‘out front’
In Reality: My system has developed extensive co-consciousness (and has been steadily improving for years now), so one of the 3 following things happens when someone ‘goes inside’:
1) the person either listens/sees everything going on outside
2) the person isn’t part of what’s going on outside, but is quickly updated by either another person in the system or by perusing ‘the inner files’. This process takes very little time to occur.
3) The person is co-fronting, which means they are one of many who are in control of the body’s functions at the time and therefore are present in a different way. Co-fronting has become a natural way of living for us, and we have been told by others that it not only appears like we are one person when we do it, but we appear to be more confident and in control.
• Myth #3: It is possible for one of my people to come out and hurt others or myself.
In Reality: Some reasons why this is not possible:
1) We do not switch when triggered unless in case of an emergency, as stated in response to Myth #1.
2) We are co-conscious, as stated in response to Myth #2. Co-consciousness also allows us to hear/feel what the others are experiencing in the body. If anybody’s thoughts are cause for alarm, they are immediately dealt with in a safe and proficient manner (either through Thought Records or by calling a counselor/crisis line). The person/people in question are blocked immediately from the front and we react as we would in a case of ‘overwhelm’ (see Myth #1) until the coast is clear.
3) Everyone in my multiple system has been affected by abuse. Some have witnessed it, some have been abused, and others have had neither experience but because they are part of my system they are affected in the way family members or partners would be. When we were teenagers, we vowed that we would never abuse our children in any way. Also, part of being a Functional Multiple System is the concept of personal responsibility. Being multiple, an abuse survivor, etc., is no excuse for that kind of behavior. We refuse to repeat the cycle and perpetuate more fear in the general populace of people with our particular conditions.
4) We haven’t done any self-abusive behavior in over 5 ½ years, mostly because of the CBT techniques we’ve learned over the years. We are also aware that self-abuse has a hugely detrimental effect on our loved ones, so that is a huge motivator not to do it anymore.
5) Our only suicide attempt took place almost a decade ago. Our lifestyle was mostly responsible for this reaction to the depression we were experiencing at the time: we were in an abusive relationship, living in an unsafe environment, had very little in means of support, were half-starved and repeatedly ill, and had almost no sense of self-worth whatsoever. Obviously, my/our lives have changed a great deal. In addition to this, a number of years ago we saved the life of a loved one who had attempted suicide in the same manner we had. It was a horrifying experience for us (being on the other side of it this time) and for the person’s family, and since then my system no longer sees suicide in the same light as before.
6) All my people are aware that there is a baby coming, and even though there are some feelings of nervousness or worry (which is normal for any parent-to-be), everyone finds this a cause to celebrate (even the grouchier folks). We were told years ago that our PCOS caused us to be less fertile, and we had feared that we would have to undergo expensive fertility treatments or adopt if we ever wanted children. To us, this baby is a miracle.
7) It has been found in studies on MPD/DID that child-selves in Multiple systems are even more protective and aware of a child’s feelings than some of the adult-selves are. They are known to report possible problems with environment or conduct to therapists long before the adults are even aware there is a problem at all.
• Myth #4: Being raised by a Multiple would be confusing/bad for a child’s development
Reality:
1) They used to say this about gay and single parents too. We plan not to keep my plurality a secret, but we believe that the subject matter must be dealt with appropriately. Example: At four, the child will know that “mommy is different and special in her own way”. At older ages, more will be revealed and will increase in complexity.
2) This condition is not hereditary. In some abuse cases, a child has been known to become Multiple who has a Dysfunctional Multiple parent, but it is not the norm. Anyway, a Dysfunctional Multiple system is one that lacks co-operation and a functioning memory, is abusive to themselves and/or others, requires extensive therapy (and sometimes medication/hospitalization), and above all else lacks a sense of personal responsibility. They also tend to treat their other selves as if they are enemies, an inconvenience, or just plain dirt. When we were teenagers, we were definitely Dysfunctional, but that was because of environmental factors that no longer exist in our lives. If I had the problems a Dysfunctional Multiple had, then yes I could see why a child could be troubled by all this, but we haven’t had these problems for many years. If by some odd chance we did start having issues related to our plurality that created dysfunction, we would take appropriate measures immediately to fix the problem.
3) I know how to say ‘I’ instead of ‘we’ when referring to myself in order to create less confusion. I have been doing it all my life to avoid the social problems it has the potential to create. In situations where I am dealing with medical professionals or those who are aware of my Plurality, I do tend to say ‘we’, but otherwise I do not do so. Sometimes when I am overly tired or sick, a ‘we’ slips out, but most who are unaware of my condition tend to think that I am referring to Greg and I, that I’m tired, making a joke, or that it’s just “Jen being Jen”. I have also learned through social interaction and recommendations form those who are not Multiple how I can communicate with them about my condition without causing confusion or frightening others unintentionally. I continue to use these methods and plan to do so in the future.
4) There are people who’ve been raised by Multiples who live good lives. Some have even chosen to marry Multiples themselves.
• Myth #5: People who are Multiple don’t have the same capacity to parent as regular parents do
Reality: Yes, Multiples are different as parents, but that doesn’t mean they are any less able to parent. In fact, there are some traits that have been said about Multiples that are an asset to parenting:
1) Having more than one person in your head allows you to understand more points of view, and therefore it makes it easier to understand your child’s feelings.
2) When the plurality is somewhat/all trauma-based, Multiples tend to be extra vigilant when it comes to their children’s safety and those they allow to care for them.
3) Storytime is great. Different people can pretend to be different characters in the books they read to their children. In the same way, playing can be a lot of fun too.
Thanks,
Jen
On Plurality and Parenting
• Myth #1: stress is a trigger that causes me to ‘switch’ to another personality
In Reality: First off, we find the term ‘personality’ offensive. We are fully developed people, not fragments. Stress is a trigger for my anxiety, and can also be so for other people in my multiple system. However, it is only in case of absolute emergency (such as being under physical threat), that a switch may automatically occur. It is similar to hypervigilance, a state normally experienced by those with PTSD. When under stress, my system already has developed a number of techniques to help itself cope. We help one another as a team. When one person suffers, the rest of us are there to help them out. If a person is too overwhelmed to remain completely ‘at the front’ we do have people who can come out as back-ups. These people do not vary much in tone of voice or demeanor from 'Jen' (we have trained them to be this way when dealing with work or family situations in the past), and therefore are not disruptive in child-rearing situations.
• Myth #2: All multiples ‘lose time’ when they are not ‘out front’
In Reality: My system has developed extensive co-consciousness (and has been steadily improving for years now), so one of the 3 following things happens when someone ‘goes inside’:
1) the person either listens/sees everything going on outside
2) the person isn’t part of what’s going on outside, but is quickly updated by either another person in the system or by perusing ‘the inner files’. This process takes very little time to occur.
3) The person is co-fronting, which means they are one of many who are in control of the body’s functions at the time and therefore are present in a different way. Co-fronting has become a natural way of living for us, and we have been told by others that it not only appears like we are one person when we do it, but we appear to be more confident and in control.
• Myth #3: It is possible for one of my people to come out and hurt others or myself.
In Reality: Some reasons why this is not possible:
1) We do not switch when triggered unless in case of an emergency, as stated in response to Myth #1.
2) We are co-conscious, as stated in response to Myth #2. Co-consciousness also allows us to hear/feel what the others are experiencing in the body. If anybody’s thoughts are cause for alarm, they are immediately dealt with in a safe and proficient manner (either through Thought Records or by calling a counselor/crisis line). The person/people in question are blocked immediately from the front and we react as we would in a case of ‘overwhelm’ (see Myth #1) until the coast is clear.
3) Everyone in my multiple system has been affected by abuse. Some have witnessed it, some have been abused, and others have had neither experience but because they are part of my system they are affected in the way family members or partners would be. When we were teenagers, we vowed that we would never abuse our children in any way. Also, part of being a Functional Multiple System is the concept of personal responsibility. Being multiple, an abuse survivor, etc., is no excuse for that kind of behavior. We refuse to repeat the cycle and perpetuate more fear in the general populace of people with our particular conditions.
4) We haven’t done any self-abusive behavior in over 5 ½ years, mostly because of the CBT techniques we’ve learned over the years. We are also aware that self-abuse has a hugely detrimental effect on our loved ones, so that is a huge motivator not to do it anymore.
5) Our only suicide attempt took place almost a decade ago. Our lifestyle was mostly responsible for this reaction to the depression we were experiencing at the time: we were in an abusive relationship, living in an unsafe environment, had very little in means of support, were half-starved and repeatedly ill, and had almost no sense of self-worth whatsoever. Obviously, my/our lives have changed a great deal. In addition to this, a number of years ago we saved the life of a loved one who had attempted suicide in the same manner we had. It was a horrifying experience for us (being on the other side of it this time) and for the person’s family, and since then my system no longer sees suicide in the same light as before.
6) All my people are aware that there is a baby coming, and even though there are some feelings of nervousness or worry (which is normal for any parent-to-be), everyone finds this a cause to celebrate (even the grouchier folks). We were told years ago that our PCOS caused us to be less fertile, and we had feared that we would have to undergo expensive fertility treatments or adopt if we ever wanted children. To us, this baby is a miracle.
7) It has been found in studies on MPD/DID that child-selves in Multiple systems are even more protective and aware of a child’s feelings than some of the adult-selves are. They are known to report possible problems with environment or conduct to therapists long before the adults are even aware there is a problem at all.
• Myth #4: Being raised by a Multiple would be confusing/bad for a child’s development
Reality:
1) They used to say this about gay and single parents too. We plan not to keep my plurality a secret, but we believe that the subject matter must be dealt with appropriately. Example: At four, the child will know that “mommy is different and special in her own way”. At older ages, more will be revealed and will increase in complexity.
2) This condition is not hereditary. In some abuse cases, a child has been known to become Multiple who has a Dysfunctional Multiple parent, but it is not the norm. Anyway, a Dysfunctional Multiple system is one that lacks co-operation and a functioning memory, is abusive to themselves and/or others, requires extensive therapy (and sometimes medication/hospitalization), and above all else lacks a sense of personal responsibility. They also tend to treat their other selves as if they are enemies, an inconvenience, or just plain dirt. When we were teenagers, we were definitely Dysfunctional, but that was because of environmental factors that no longer exist in our lives. If I had the problems a Dysfunctional Multiple had, then yes I could see why a child could be troubled by all this, but we haven’t had these problems for many years. If by some odd chance we did start having issues related to our plurality that created dysfunction, we would take appropriate measures immediately to fix the problem.
3) I know how to say ‘I’ instead of ‘we’ when referring to myself in order to create less confusion. I have been doing it all my life to avoid the social problems it has the potential to create. In situations where I am dealing with medical professionals or those who are aware of my Plurality, I do tend to say ‘we’, but otherwise I do not do so. Sometimes when I am overly tired or sick, a ‘we’ slips out, but most who are unaware of my condition tend to think that I am referring to Greg and I, that I’m tired, making a joke, or that it’s just “Jen being Jen”. I have also learned through social interaction and recommendations form those who are not Multiple how I can communicate with them about my condition without causing confusion or frightening others unintentionally. I continue to use these methods and plan to do so in the future.
4) There are people who’ve been raised by Multiples who live good lives. Some have even chosen to marry Multiples themselves.
• Myth #5: People who are Multiple don’t have the same capacity to parent as regular parents do
Reality: Yes, Multiples are different as parents, but that doesn’t mean they are any less able to parent. In fact, there are some traits that have been said about Multiples that are an asset to parenting:
1) Having more than one person in your head allows you to understand more points of view, and therefore it makes it easier to understand your child’s feelings.
2) When the plurality is somewhat/all trauma-based, Multiples tend to be extra vigilant when it comes to their children’s safety and those they allow to care for them.
3) Storytime is great. Different people can pretend to be different characters in the books they read to their children. In the same way, playing can be a lot of fun too.
Thanks,
Jen
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 07:26 am (UTC)With the multiple parenting, it would probably be easier to explain why you would be a good parent and how you would protect your children from multiplicity-related parenting mistakes. For example, you might explain that children in your system would only be allowed to play with your child under the direct supervision of yourselves and outside adults. You would do this so that your child would never have to assume a parental or care-taker role towards their parent.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 02:40 pm (UTC)Good point. I wondered about whether that method was proper myself about halfway in.
-Jen