Seeking advice

[terp-lj.livejournal.com]

I'd never been quite clear on how I came to be a separate and distinct person from the others with whom I share this body, but the more life experience I accumulate, the more convinced I become that I was initially created as a result of trauma, specifically to insulate the others from excessive levels of stress - so I became something of a protector, of sorts.

This conclusion is based on (among other things) the fact that whenever we are under a lot of stress, or in a confrontational situation, or otherwise having to deal with anything that would compromise their always-cheerful dispositions, I find myself stuck out front, with no sign of any of the others to be found.

Because of the abuse that we have suffered in the past, trust is something hard for me to find within myself - for anyone, including the others in this body. Furthermore, when people are trying to be nice to me, I'm always on my guard, expecting ulterior motive and betrayal. Needless to say, this makes it VERY hard to maintain any kind of healthy relationships with anyone - family, friends, or lovers.

Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of thing? If so, how? Professional therapy is way beyond my budget right now, and has had sketchy results in the past, at best - not to mention the tendency for the psych community to live in denial of multiplicity in the first place. I'm tired of seeing monsters in every shadow, but every time I let my guard down and assume it's all in my head, we get burnt - usually very badly. However, going through life with the feeling that there are only two categories of people (those who neither know nor care that we exist, and those who want to harm us) is not a life that I care to continue.

Comments

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I very much relate to some of this. I don't have a lot of advice except that I found two ideas helpful.

The first was to behave "as if." Although I still often had the 5-alarm bells going off to walk away, or interpret things badly, or whatever (still do sometimes) I found behaving AS IF people were not seeking to hurt me deliberately can go a long way. Of course sometimes they are anyway. But the times I've been able to manage it - step away, take a breath, come back and just go to dinner or whatever, it has often paid off. If they really were betraying me it's always come out later. :)

The second was the idea of goodwill as an intermediary step to trust. I don't trust people easily. But I can treat them with goodwill - that is, believe that they aren't trying to harm me, even if I don't trust them. Having that middle ground to lean on (while behaving "as if") has been helpful.

I have no idea if this makes sense outside my head, but it has led to some better relationships with friends and lovers. Family's a whole something else. :)

[terp-lj.livejournal.com]

How do you know when to realize that they actually ARE trying to hurt you? My mistake has always been to let things go for too long "as if" they weren't out to harm me - and it's allowed things to get way too far, three times resulting in us losing everything we'd owned except the clothes on our back, and once landing us in the hospital. Needless to say, each time this has happened, it further reinforced the idea that I should never let my guard down with anyone, regardless of how benign they may seem.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

That's rough, and almost an opposite problem.

I guess in that case - and in no way to blame you, just thinking through how I would do it - I wouldn't let it go that far in the name of "as if." In other words, I might continue to go out to dinner with them, but I wouldn't give them a key to my place or move in with them. Kind of a middle ground between cutting everyone off, and putting yourself in a vulnerable place.

I honestly believe that over time you can re-find good intuition and pattern recognition (which is important when dealing with jerks who apologize well) but you have to give yourself the space to do it. By both engaging with people, and not making the core of your life (rent, food, self-esteem) dependent on them.

I hope that makes sense. I really can't say what will work, only what I might myself (defensive, untrusting me :)) try.

[terp-lj.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but I do believe that my intuition and pattern-recognition generally ARE pretty good - i.e. the people that I have let get near me despite the warning bells really HAVE been bad for me. Although I suppose it is possible (as someone else already has suggested) that it's my suspicious nature, always looking for trouble whether it's there or not, that has led them to the point where they turn against me and become destructive.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Hmmm

I really don't know. But good intuition is priceless, if one can separate it from a defense mechanism. Maybe in your case following it for a while is important. All you can do is try things; no one's guaranteed success in relationships. Sadly. If that could be bottled... :)

I think the latter is possible (people flailing about because they are being treated with suspicion), esp. if the people you are talking about are young and therefore still learning about boundaries, etc. But in a reasonably mature adult, there should be ways to walk away from someone (might be you, might not) who is treating them with suspicion without actually becoming destructive. Which is probably when the alarm bells that it's not them should go off. :)

[terp-lj.livejournal.com]

I tried following that for about a year, and the result was that I was isolated and living like a hermit for a long enough period of time that being constantly alone was driving me crazy, so we tried to reach out to look for others to spend some time with, and it worked out for awhile, and then I found myself out fronting more and more to face the suspicions and fears about everyone around me. Anyway, this brings me to our present relationship, where I'm not sure whether she's good for me or not - I can't put a finger on anything specific, but I have that underlying suspicion that invades every relationship I've ever had (which, in the past, has always turned out to be valid).

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Well I hope I didn't say be completely isolated. :)

It's a balance. I think you will find it and wish you luck with it.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I was not created out of trauma any more than any of the rest of us but have always been here. I along with Jason Lee & some of the others that have frontran from the beginning have always kind of kept an eye on things and stand for us with people that have less than our best interests at heart. I did not used to be good at this and got to be better at it as I went along.

Sometimes you will hear ones of us say, "Gabriel is paranoid." When they say that they are describing that I have a lot of the same concerns you have described. We have been burnt so damn often. People get close to us, and then they start either trying to change us or are otherwise manipulative or play headgames and this includes other multiples. Not just singlets. It also includes other nonhumans -- not just humans. Most of sethrenn that I know are human and I am fine with them. Some of the people that have hurt us the most were nonhumans. Like the kind of thing where they tell you they'll be your friends forever & then pull it out from under you cause you don't fit their new improved active enzyme lemon freshened lifestyle.

I sometimes have trouble thinking of people outside this system as not having ulterior motives or not being a threat. I can bullshit along with the best of us and pretend I am being very open when really I am not and just want to see how the other person reacts.

In my view psychotherapy would not help this. Therapists have their agenda just like anybody else (Me, and us, included) and you all might spend more time and energy having to be on guard against their preconceived notions and it is not wise to tell them you are plural or you might find they have A wonderful plan for your life!

I have had to just constantly remind myself that we no longer live with the birth father nor attend that school, that we are no longer in contact with and that not all people are like the ones that have done us harm. I have to keep thinking of all the ones who have helped or encouraged or loved us. If necessary I'd make a list. Maybe this would be a good idea for you. Good luck.

[antegoba.livejournal.com]

I have some suggestions if you'd be willing to listen to me. Talk to me inside when you wake up.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Over many many years, we've worked on developing levels and areas of trust. We trust several outside people with several different areas of our life, but none with all. We trust people to a certain point, and that point differs with each of them. Trust is shades of grey, not a black and white issue.

Internally, work on increasing your trust with one another. Listen, honor your word, when one of you is frightened work together to protect them from what scares them.