Hmmm... We weren't communicating with each other properly for a period of several years, and when we started again, it was with a feeling that 'something was missing.' Looking back on it, I think it was because we held some pre-conceived, fairly stereotyped ideas about multiplicity and 'types of alters,' and when we didn't fit that model, we felt as if there must be something we were overlooking.
It may be that there are others in your system who've not contacted you yet, but if so, there may be a reason they're keeping covert for now. There are little things you can do sometimes to encourage people to introduce themselves, have a notebook that anyone can write in or something, although if nobody seems to be forthcoming, it's probably better to wait and not force them.
Shiu:
At least in the beginning, it's usually better to establish a working system with the people you do know about, get to know them well, and make sure you're capable of dealing with difficulties inside and outside the system. At least, I tend to think this is more important than getting a list of everyone who's hanging around; if you have a pre-existing setup or mode of operation, it becomes easier to help out new people and let them know how things work. You could sign the In Essence declaration, which is here (http://www.karitas.net/courts/in_essence.html), and can be edited however you like; I personally like kasiya_system's very streamlined version.
You described one person in your group as a "bitch" and said she causes trouble for you. This could be problematic further down the line if you don't try to work something out with her now. Communication is really the most important thing. We once had someone who frontran, and no longer does, but was perceived by others around us as being 'the bitch' or 'the angry alter.' There was actually more to her than that, but it wasn't seen by those who were labeling her, or by us at first-- she felt initially that she had to be 'mean' in order to protect herself, and that, having established a reputation for it, she couldn't change without others thinking she'd become weak.
It was a little more complicated than I describe, but basically, we've had a few people come through here who could have been interpreted as dark or destructive, even by us. If someone is a person in their own right, though, they've almost always got depths and dimensions to them apart from an unpleasant attitude. I'm inclined to think that if it turns out someone really has no dimensions to their personality other than to want to cause harm to others and can't be reasoned with, they're probably not so much an independent person as the personification of another's desire to cause pain to themselves/others.
There are ways for people to work out aggression or desire to harm or manipulate others, which don't involve actually letting them cause problems for people in or out of the system. Some people find physical activity, especially that which involves some sort of regulated combat/sparring, helps them work out certain impulses. Other people find roleplaying/gaming useful, in that they can participate in these activities in a 'fictional' milieu. One of the things a lot of MPD/DID therapists did get right is that someone with strong aggressive impulses can often become a protector/defender of the system when they've worked through their personal issues. This does not necessarily mean beating people up, although self-defence is a useful thing to know; it can simply mean asserting oneself and one's own rights and preferences in situations where other system members feel they can't, or letting people know in no unspecific terms that you're not to be messed with-- the sort of thing where you don't even have to raise your voice.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2005-08-23 02:41 am (UTC)Hmmm... We weren't communicating with each other properly for a period of several years, and when we started again, it was with a feeling that 'something was missing.' Looking back on it, I think it was because we held some pre-conceived, fairly stereotyped ideas about multiplicity and 'types of alters,' and when we didn't fit that model, we felt as if there must be something we were overlooking.
It may be that there are others in your system who've not contacted you yet, but if so, there may be a reason they're keeping covert for now. There are little things you can do sometimes to encourage people to introduce themselves, have a notebook that anyone can write in or something, although if nobody seems to be forthcoming, it's probably better to wait and not force them.
Shiu:
At least in the beginning, it's usually better to establish a working system with the people you do know about, get to know them well, and make sure you're capable of dealing with difficulties inside and outside the system. At least, I tend to think this is more important than getting a list of everyone who's hanging around; if you have a pre-existing setup or mode of operation, it becomes easier to help out new people and let them know how things work. You could sign the In Essence declaration, which is here (http://www.karitas.net/courts/in_essence.html), and can be edited however you like; I personally like
You described one person in your group as a "bitch" and said she causes trouble for you. This could be problematic further down the line if you don't try to work something out with her now. Communication is really the most important thing. We once had someone who frontran, and no longer does, but was perceived by others around us as being 'the bitch' or 'the angry alter.' There was actually more to her than that, but it wasn't seen by those who were labeling her, or by us at first-- she felt initially that she had to be 'mean' in order to protect herself, and that, having established a reputation for it, she couldn't change without others thinking she'd become weak.
It was a little more complicated than I describe, but basically, we've had a few people come through here who could have been interpreted as dark or destructive, even by us. If someone is a person in their own right, though, they've almost always got depths and dimensions to them apart from an unpleasant attitude. I'm inclined to think that if it turns out someone really has no dimensions to their personality other than to want to cause harm to others and can't be reasoned with, they're probably not so much an independent person as the personification of another's desire to cause pain to themselves/others.
There are ways for people to work out aggression or desire to harm or manipulate others, which don't involve actually letting them cause problems for people in or out of the system. Some people find physical activity, especially that which involves some sort of regulated combat/sparring, helps them work out certain impulses. Other people find roleplaying/gaming useful, in that they can participate in these activities in a 'fictional' milieu. One of the things a lot of MPD/DID therapists did get right is that someone with strong aggressive impulses can often become a protector/defender of the system when they've worked through their personal issues. This does not necessarily mean beating people up, although self-defence is a useful thing to know; it can simply mean asserting oneself and one's own rights and preferences in situations where other system members feel they can't, or letting people know in no unspecific terms that you're not to be messed with-- the sort of thing where you don't even have to raise your voice.