I have an issue

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

I'm moving in a few months and I'm trying to decide what is a reasonable level of expectation on the part of a roommate is, on the issue of multiplicity. im also trying to figure out how to negotiate my expectation now, so i dont have to move again if it doesn't go as I hope it will.

Basically in a world of people trying to be responsible, mature, etc. what should I expect?
Specifically, should I have to answer to our legal name at home from a roommate too lazy to care? or is it reasonable to expect a roommate to want to know who I am. Should i tolerate irritation from a roommate after I say for the 26th time that 'no, i have never eaten a B.L.T. I'm sure someone here has, but i have no idea if i like them or not'
Should I expect them to ask who I am today? Tolerate refusal to ask or care? Is it reasonable to be irritated if I ask someone to ask who I am if they don't know, and then they never do?
Should I actually get annoyed if they never pick up on our differences?
Should I expect recognition that just because 'I' was a big fan of a subject yesterday, doesn't mean 'I' have any interest in it today?

How long is an appropriate wait for a singlette with no frame-work for how multiplicity works, to start understanding it. Whats the border between uneducated, and apathetic?
Is it fair to consider a roommate thats gotten a certain amount of education about it to eventually stop 'seeing' another singlette, and to know their dealing with a multiple?
am I seeking attention and expecting to be treated differently from everyone else? or do I want one place on the planet (my home) to be a place where I can drop 'the act' I do all day every day?

hmm... my deeper question might be this.
If I set out to only have friends in my world that 'get it', am i settng out for a road of isolation and frustration? if I end a roommate relationship for these reasons, will i find someone? or will i just spend alot of my weekends in a moving truck?

thanks, Tia

Comments

[inshadowhiding.livejournal.com]

um, expecting a singlet to "get it" might be a bit much, but if said singlet was not willing to at least *try*, then to this mind you have a legitimate cause for complaint.
and you are going against a lot of entrenched social constructs, in being not "normal" ( if anyone can define that term in a meaningful ways in this context, please let me know) so it might be wise to try and be forgiving if they have trouble with it...

[idianshire.livejournal.com]

I don’t really have an answer, this is probably why I choose to live alone. I personally think what I would expect from someone I am “simply” living with, and someone I am having a relationship would be very different. I would haven’t an expectation that they call me anything but the body’s name. Maybe that’s because we still have a belief (been told it is a mistaken belief) that it is difficult to tell us apart. And since we switch rather regularly through the day I wouldn’t expect them to constantly ask. However I would expect them to at least accept my word for my reality, like if I say I never eat ice cream and then the next day someone came out with a bowl of it, they need to accept the explanation that it is two different people with two different tastes (or at least that is my reality of the situation).

Like you said, I do believe that my home should be a place I can be comfortable with. I am not sure I would trust anyone new to simply get it. And as I said that’s why I live alone. It meant having to compromise on the place I live, and sometimes this tiny little flat and our annoying neighbour gets on our nerves. But I am grateful it is an option I have. So this reply is probably absolutely no use to you, but I am bored so thought I would bother you with a pointless couple of paragraphs *chuckle*

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

I thought it was a good answer :)

-kas

[duathir.livejournal.com]

What you are asking is whether it is reasonable to expect a room-mate to be a close friend. Unless the person you are considering as a potential room-mate is already a close friend, the answer is no; it is not reasonable because you have no way of knowing how likely it is that the expectation will be fulfilled.

It is reasonable to expect a room-mate to pay rent, bills and expenses as agreed; to do a fair share of housework and maintain acceptable cleanliness; to abide by agreements concerning noise, pets and guests; to respect your privacy and property; to refrain from verbal or physical abuse. Your room-mate in turn is reasonably entitled to expect these things of you. If you must share quarters for the sake of finances, friendship with your room-mate is not necessary, though it may be desirable.

It is not reasonable to become irritated by the failure of others to conform to one's own standards of personal behavior. This does not mean that one will not become irritated, but the irritation will be of shorter duration if one remembers that it is in fact unreasonable. It is also useless as a tool to induce others to change their behavior, and will engender resentment rather than cooperation.

If your room-mate cannot tell the differences between you and your Kin, or does not care to acknowledge them, you have no need to keep up an act, and are free to live as you choose in your own home.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I pretty much agree with Duathir's list of expectations of a roomate.

My own experience with roomates is that if they're friends it can be cosy, but it can also be really lousy. If you're looking for a friend, it may not be to your advantage to make them a roomate, too.

Sometimes it's easier to find a roomate who's totally not in your social circle and have a pretty business-y (not cold or anything, but hands-off) relationship, because then it really is just about the money and the space, and *not* about an episode of Friends.

Sure, you don't get hugs when you've had a bad day, but on the other hand, you don't have to care if they're having a bad week and do nothing but watch television and wonder if you're stressing them out.

In that case apathy is a bonus, because if they don't care what you're doing, you have no reason to have to change anything that you do to please them (except not let things go mouldy in the fridge :)).

I would give the roomate a factual heads-up before we decided to live together: we're multiple, that means different people and different reactions. So if you think I'm behaving differently and you're wondering if I'm in a snit, the answer is probably not, it's just someone else. If I have a problem with you I'll tell you at our monthly half-hour check-in. And if anything confuses you just ask.

If they still chose to move in, hey. :)

In that context I wouldn't, personally, expect a roomate to try to figure out who's out or anything like that. I'd just expect them to clean the toilet from time to time. They'd have to at least know a few names 'cause we get phone calls and mail, but I wouldn't care if the *roomate* used them.

But I also would let our kids sit in the living room and play with fingerpaints while the roomate was home 'cause as long as the paint is cleaned up after, it's not their business. And for exactly the reason you said: our home is our home.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Roommates and friends are different things. Sometimes you get lucky and find someone who's good at both.

Anything you expect might cause serious problems for a roommate is worth bringing up before moving in. Most of our friends who are out and pagan or bi or gay/lesbian let their potential roommates know to get that out of the way. One of our friends who has epileptic seizures does the same thing - she's found some people just can't cope with it.

[weare.livejournal.com]

We had a roommate for a while and told her that we were multiple before she moved in with us. She only liked me, Jessie, and couldn't stand many of the others. At first she had asked that we all let her know when we switch. But, because for the most part we tend to be co-concious we never announce ourselves. So, it was a bit difficult. But, in time she got to know when we switched. She really didn't expect much from us though. I mean, other than doing our part around the house (which we did).

We also have a husband who knows about our multiplicity. He can tell when we switch and had learned some of our names but hesitates to use them (he's always afraid of calling us by the wrong one so he just calls us "Jess" which is short for our birth name but isn't one that any of us use ourselves at all).

We have a few close friends who know. They don't really "get it" so to speak. They sometimes try but they're not usually able to.

We all get annoyed when (for example) Frankie (the husband) doesn't understand why we would love cars one minute (Yaro) and hate them the next (Jessie or Mel). Or when our roommate wouldn't understand why one day we would be vegan and the next chowing down on a burger. But eventually they understood....er sorta.

Personally, we try to not let it bother us. None of us really expect someone who isn't plural to understand what it's like. *shrugs* Though, I have to admit...it would be nice.

Jessie and Mel

[wantsacracker.livejournal.com]

We've found that it depends a lot on the person whether they are able to get it, or how quickly they get it, and that some people are worth the effort even if they take a very long time to get it, but that some people will never get it. :/ We have had some great success with "singlette" friends - our very closest friends really do get it, and that might be part of why we love them, but we also love some people who for some reason just can't seem to get it. Good luck.