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[zachsmama.livejournal.com]

I have a small problem. I don't think I like being multiple. I don't like one of the people I live with. It's not a good person, but it's stronger than the others. When it's in control, my life is a mess.

I've only just recently accepted the fact that I'm not the only one rattling around up there. I know it's been a good thing, most of the time. I'm a childhood trauma survivor. But I just want to be normal. I feel weird about this, knowing there are others up there, and I'm not always the one in control. I can't talk to anyone - everyone looks at me like I'm a freak. We've all tried to talk about it at one time or another. No one understands. Even my last therapist didn't believe me, even though they were ALL trying to talk to her.

How can we make the bad one leave? Is that even possible? Why don't people believe me when I try to tell them about this?

Thanks for listening. One of us stumbled across here a few days ago, but she was intimidated. But I really need to talk to people who understand this, so I hope I'm making sense.

Comments

[redrainstorm.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure you can *make* them leave. But, each system works differently. You have to talk to the others that aren't this "bad" one and figure out what to do. They may have a very important role within you, and killing them off will do more harm then good sometimes.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

You're making sense to me. :)

I didn't enjoy the process of discovering our multiplicity either, although it at least explained some things. I think it's very natural to be angry and feel genuine grief at a kind of loss of control and in a way the burden of responsibility. It's a pain to have to negotiate things most people get to decide easily. And it is frustrating to feel your life is a mess.

About the person no one likes - I have to be pretty hard-core about that; your body is that person's body too and although systems have been successful in locking up/killing/banishing people, myself I don't think it's ever really a good idea (with the exception of restraining someone that is seriously going to hurt yourselves/others).

If no one liked me I would be a pain in the ass too; it might be better in the long run to try to reconcile, so that you can negotiate on how to run your mutual life together in a way that doesn't embarass either of you. It's hard to say without the details, but that's my best shot on what you've said here.

[chezames.livejournal.com]

It's always hard in the beginning. Getting to know everyone, learning to live together, learning to share the body. As far as people not believing you, that's natural. Many people won't. But everyone We've told (all friends and family) have believed us and all but one accepts it. One of us, Lynn, is actually engaged. It could be the way you are telling ppl. How are you trying to explain it? And btw, most in the psychology field won't believe you are multiple unless you are typical MPD/DID (don't know you are multiple, lose track of time, etc).

I agree with shandra about "the bad one." We all agree, especially Kali. Kali used to be nasty, tell us We were worthless, should die, she would cut us and do other SI things. We were scared of her and wanted her gone. But then one day We decided to sit down and talk to her. We found out that she was angry because she was the one that took the abuse (btw, We are not multiple by abuse, We are a natural multiple system)- she is our protector. She was angry because We didn't acknowlege she exsisted (at the time We were still fighting that We were multiple and not just crazy!),nor acknowlege all the shit she went through for us. Once We accepted that we were all real people and started to share the body, give everyone the time they wanted, let them be themselves, things got better. Kali still has a tendency to want to SI, and she can be a real bitch if crossed, but she is actually a very nice person and We all get along great with her. So don't get rid of this "bad" one just yet. Try talking with her, and most important, acknowlege that she is a real and whole person. If someone refused to believe you were real and refused to validate your thoughts and feelings, your very exsistance, I doubt you'd be too nice :-)

Feel free to e-mail us if you want to talk at chezames@thewis.org . You can also add us as a friend and We'll add you back :-)

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

:(

-Why don't people believe me when I try to tell them about this?

proally cuz theyre stupid. sooner you get used to it, sooner it'll quit annoying you.

-How can we make the bad one leave? Is that even possible?

depends on the person and your system. also, ask yourself just how bad the person is. if they're like, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, then you guys might really need to go to war, but there's alot of better options.
you guys communicate well yet?
are you or any of the others fairly responsible/mature/sane?
If you guys negotiate well, you might find a liveable agreement.

we're kind of lucky i think, because of how fast we communicate, we can sort of, 'flash' everything we know at each other. talking and making deals etc is important.
something we do that helps us, is we'll stop and watch the occaisional crazy person we see. the homeless dude that is delusional and cusses out birds and stuff. we sit there and meditate on the idea that if we don't work together, and get life to work, then thats where that road will lead us. it motivates us to put our system before ourselves.

alot of people think that 'problem' members can become 'protectors' or whatever. get them involved in helping the situation.

I don't really know where your whole crew is at, but if its not good yet, communication, communication, communication. everything starts with that.

oh, head war sux. I hope you find a way to avoid it.
if a member loses the will to fight, front, and be involved in life, we call that dead. my heads full of ppl like that. people can be taken out semi permanently, but think along the lines of system-wide effort.

imo, your person needs you, and you need them. if you both figure that out, stuff will work itself out eventually.

good luck
Candy of the Changelyng

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Hey...I'm still not on good speaking terms with...well, anyone in my system, but my "bad one" especially...I know that she is angry, and that her anger is overwhelming, but I still don't know why...There are gaps in our memory. Worse, there are gaps in not only my memory as a person, but my two cousin's memory in the same period of the time. All three of us fear those memories coming back. We really, truly, don't want to know why we've blanked out...whatever we've blanked out.

So...I may not be a 'natural' multiple. But that doesn't preclude natural systems working out their own differences. And, as far as I go, I'm still giving myself time. I think, in time, I'll find a way to talk to my other people. And so will you.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Why not try to reason with 'the bad one'? People can change.

[zachsmama.livejournal.com]

I didn't even think about trying to talk to her.

So I posed the question. I asked why she's so destructive and angry. I actually listened. She won't talk to me, but one of the others told me it's because we've all been ignoring her. Ever since I was little, she was the one the people were hurting. She took everything, while we just took off and read books. Then we locked her up in a closet, because as long as we couldn't see or hear her, then we could pretend we were ok. We don't remember the bad things that happened to us, but she does. She still hurts, and now she hates me and the others for abandoning her and trying to pretend she doesn't exist. She's been trying to get my attention for years. I heard the voices, but I wouldn't listen because I was afraid. After a while she gave up and that's why she's like this now.

I feel horrible. I guess I was being pretty selfish. And she really, really hates us. And I don't want to deal with this. I can't deal with the things that happened to me when I was growing up.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I guess I'll just try to listen more.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

It's amazing what just listening can do for someone. Sometimes that's all people need. Maybe listen and ask her what she wants. Ask her what you can do. Or just listen, quietly.

It might hurt to hear these things she remembers. But if in the end, you all start recovering as a unit, it's worth it, ne?

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

We can't change the past. We can change the present. What you choose to do in your relationships today with your people counts.

I can't deal with the things that happened to me when I was growing up. You survived. Together. You've got a good team. You won't be dealing with what happened to you alone.

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

Try telling her you're sorry for it all. Then give her time to get over it.

It wasn't you that fucked her up, and anything you've done since has been in ignorance.

She got fucked up so you could be strong?
welp, now you're strong and she's fucked up.
Now that you're educated, you can return the favor by helping her get strong. And maybe she can quit being bitter and let you.

She wants you to acknowledge this n that? Great! acknowledge this n that and she can start getting over it all.

She might need time. if she's used to being isolated and made of wood, then the idea of happy-happy-comfort-joy might be new and uncomfortable, and she might need time to 'adjust' to the idea. just that maybe she should figure out that torturing you and your folk for her pain doesn't get her justice, nor happiness.

life's too short to be stuck in issues. she should try healing. if she turns down opportunities, then her pain will suddenly become her own fault.

thats the cycle ya know, i get hurt so i hurt everyone i know. now they're hurt and start hurting everyone they know.

maybe she'll take pride in knowing she's breaking/broken the cycle. otherwise she's looking at becoming whatever asshole fucked her up, yo.

not that that stuff's as easy as that to do. stuff like that can take time, but its barely an excuse to dally, either. hope she makes it.

here, give her this hat *<|
maybe she'll like it?

:D
:<

[bedoneby.livejournal.com]

Yes, you were being selfish. Survival is an inherently selfish process. We of the Firewheel have a tee-shirt graphic for JUST such occasions:



You don't complain about the price of survival. Nor does she. Because part of that price (for her) was being locked up so she didn't kill the culpable, and end up in prison or collectively dead.

I am speaking as one somewhat like your dark one, and one responsible for a great many exactly like her - some of whom are still behind locked doors. Although most of the locks are on their sides of the doors now...

Participation in a system should be voluntary. Theft of system resources, though, deserves some form of spanking. True co-operation lies somewhere in the messy in-between, and getting there often requires odd paths.

If she's unwilling to talk to you, and the rest of you are reluctant to hear her, she may speak to me. I sincerely doubt I can be shocked. Surprise is rare these days.

Exploitation generally relies on ignorance; originality rare indeed.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

As far as dealing with system members you don't get along with, other people have said it better than I can, so I'll just agree with their advice.

Even people who have lived as plural on a long-term basis may wish from time to time that they could have their body and time 'all to themselves,' and wish they didn't have to negotiate with others for time. On the other hand, I think many married couples or families experience an occasional wish to not have obligations to anyone else. For us, though, in the long run, the rewards of being together were worth learning to make those compromises.

We find that sometimes you have to be discreet in who you tell. Sometimes it's difficult to not say anything because you feel that people can't *really* know you unless they know about your multiplicity, and to a certain extent, that's true-- the problem is that if you tell people often, you will run into a lot of rejections, as it's just not something that many people are ready to accept, and even among some who do, they have difficulty thinking of multiples as being regular everyday people.

[judiff]

the others here used to thing i was the big bad angry one. We still argue about a lot of stuff but they don't really think like that any more and we get on much better.
One of the first thngs that helpt us all get along was when ludy (our grown up/person that mostly is out in the world) got me my bunny becos she knew i liked bunnys - it semmed like it was the first time the others tried like being nice to me instead of trying to shut me away.
And then we did loads of talking and writing and making pictures and therapy and stuff like that - but that was the start. Is there something you can do for/give your "bad person"?