dissoication and kids

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

My therapist thinks I should put Kieriana in day care and Orion in school. Or at least just Kieriana in day care since Orion can take care of himself most of the time. Why? Because I finally admitted to her that I've been disociating lot. I go through these phases where I just sit or stand there, almost unable to do anything. Just sort of zoning. Sometimes I can talk and move about but it's as if the light is on and no one is home. I start to feel like I'm on auto pilot and can't turn it off. I get all numb and whatnot. Hard to describe really.

Anyways, she's afraid that the kids' safety may be in jeapardy because of this. To be honest, the only time it has ever gotten really bad, that I can remember anyways, was when some adult was around. I'm usually pretty aware of what's going on around me. I just can't really do much about it.

I don't know what to think. I'm so adament about homeschooling Orion. Not to mention that we just can't afford daycare (it would be either day care or eating. hmmmm...tough choice! lol). But my therapist did say, "Better in day care than foster care." Has me kind of freaked out. I mean, is she starting to think that I can't care for my own kids???

I'm still able to be good parent. I'm just not consistent in my personality and mannerisms. Sometimes I dissociate or view the world differently. Oh well. That's part of me. And the kids have always been fine.

I just don't know what to think...

(X-posted)