Establishing a line of communication for better understanding of things

[lirialgypsyrose.livejournal.com]

Hello all,

I am a "singlet" currently involved in a relationship with someone who is multiple.
I am new to this community and i would like to seek some advice to help me better understand things. I would like to ask any advice on how i can establish a line of communication with him and his others so i can better understand when things happen. Such as: When i dont hear from him b/c he has been switching ,naturally i get alarmed b/c i fear what if he doesnt come back etc? Even tho i know he will come back eventually. Sometimes another will be the front-runner for awhile. Should i get to know each of his alts? their moods etc?
I dont like to ask questions sometimes b/c i am afraid of causing triggering etc.
What is usually the better way to go about asking the others , when he is not available that i want to talk to him etc? They know who i am that much i know from conversations that i have had with them.
Im finding myself confused at times. Any advice would be most helpful...
I apologize if this post doesnt seem to make much sense i am kinda sleep deprived atm.
Sincerely,
~T~

Comments

[pengke.livejournal.com]

We'd suggest getting to know everyone. If you have at least a working relationship with the people you're not dating, it may make it easier when the one you are dating isn't available. You could ask and see if people would be willing to pass messages to him when he's unable to use the body. You're going to have to get over your fear of him not coming back because you can't expect everyone else to put their lives on hold so that the guy you're dating can be at your beck and call. It might help if you stopped thinking of everyone else as 'the others.'

As for questions, we'd suggest getting a notebook and writing any questions you think of at the top of the paper. Then anyone who is using the body can look at the notebook and put their version of the answer. It's also best to discuss things with people directly or at least make sure that you have their permission before your boyfriend starts telling you things about everyone else. Other than that, the best advice is to not be afraid to ask questions.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

just from me - when there's people I care about, I like to get to know the other people who are important in their lives. it gives me more understanding about the one I care about, and often introduces me to some wonderful people.

most of my system would feel it is rude to chase them off to talk to somebody. ask them to pass a message, or ask them if they're comfortable with notes. or a whiteboard if you live in the same household. whiteboards are cool with all the colored markers :) people in our lives have relationships with several of us even if they don't know it.

[random-element.livejournal.com]

I know my boyfriend makes an effort to establish communication with as many as he can, and tries to learn about them, their hopes, dreams and tries to befriend them. The more you can get to know, the better you'll know him, and, in a way, the better he'll know you. He has gone as far as to begin relationships with at least two, one of which was previously not speaking to him. So it's always good to try. Besides, the more you can get to like you, the more he will, at least, that's what I've always been told.

[redrainstorm.livejournal.com]

well... you need to talk to others and establish relationships with them, only if you want to, and if they want to. i'd recommend atleast talking to one other person inside so if you want to get a hold of "him" you can addressing your concerns to them and asking them what's going on / how to bring him to the front.
some actually find more comfort if you ask questions, they feel like they're being included. ask away.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Ummm... my first piece of advice would be, don't call them "alts" - call them people, and treat them like real people.

My 'brother' Kír, who shares this body with me and our other brother, is in a relationship with one of the three who share the body of our friend and summer housemate. Kír doesn't "front" much, though, so while he can always hear what's going on, he can't always talk, and has to relay messages through me. This gets kind of tedious, especially when I don't agree with what he wants to say - I'd really rather not be stuck being the yenta in the middle of his love-life.

Therefore, my advice would be, yes, get to know your SO's 'siblings', the same as you would if they were corporeal siblings who live with him, but don't expect or encourage them to get too involved in your relationship with him. I know, it's very tempting to want to talk about one's lover with the people who know him best, but it leads to a certain degree of awkwardness.

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty confident that being in a relationship with a split is significantly different then being in one with a single-minded person.

I'm a split, who just broke up with another split because I/we couldn't get alot of this stuff figured out.

If he isn't able/ready/comfortable with answering your basic questions, then he really really really really really really isn't ready to get into a relationship and you might go mad.
that doesn't mean he should have well thought out answers to anything you come up with off the cuff. you might ask him something he never thought of before. he might need time to figure stuff out, and might need time to run 'agreements' thru the rest of his people.

also, Im learning that various 'systems' (clusters of people in the same physical body) are very different from each other when you get into the details.

You should find out alot of the following from him.
What is everyone's name? What are each of them like?
Are you in a relationship with all of them, one of them, some of them?
How do they communicate with each other? easily, and alot? not at all?
Are you expected to treat anyone differently from anyone else? if so, how will you know you're dealing with that someone else?
under what circumstances should you use their individual names and when should you refer to them by their legal name (when in public, for example)?

whom should you show physical affection to?
should you address problems with one individual to anyone? certain people? wait for the individual to surface himself? how long is a reasonable amount of time to have to wait for a person to 'show' so that the issue can be addressed?
if a promise is made by one of them? is it binding by all of them? if not, why not, and how do they expect this relationship to work under those terms?
are there any 'special' people that you need to be aware of, untrustworthy people? needy people? potentially dangerous people? excessively 'odd' people? how should I deal with each of them?

Seriously, if you and them can't figure this kind of stuff out and stuff like this, I'd consider thinking of it as a 'short-term fling'

You aren't a part of a system and you are about to enter a close relationship with one. you probably DON'T understand it, and you're going to need his help to understand. if he can't help you understand, your going to spend an awful lot of time 'not understanding' him. and you should probably decide if your comfortable with that.

Good luck.
Synch of Changelyng.

oh yeah, btw. never tell him you have a favorite in his system, even if one of them asks, trust me on that one.

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

this site is pretty awesome imo. it spends alot of it's time attacking misperceptions about being multiple, but I'd really recommend it to someone going for general knowledge. Im pretty sure its written by KSOL who's all over this community.

http://astraeasweb.net/plural/faq.shtml

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

*grins* thanks Synch. It was written by several of us with contributions from idianshire, ihcoyc (singlet), sethrenn, and others.

The part about friends and family is:
http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/faq.shtml#them

I know that section needs a lot more work.

Other good sites for general info are:
http://www.dreamshore.net/amorpha/
http://www.kitsune.cx/blackbirds/layman/

[shandra.livejournal.com]

We've been married to a singletype guy for almost 11 years and so most of my response comes out of how we've worked things out for us.

When i dont hear from him b/c he has been switching ,naturally i get alarmed b/c i fear what if he doesnt come back etc? Even tho i know he will come back eventually. Sometimes another will be the front-runner for awhile. Should i get to know each of his alts? their moods etc?
I dont like to ask questions sometimes b/c i am afraid of causing triggering etc.
What is usually the better way to go about asking the others , when he is not available that i want to talk to him etc? They know who i am that much i know from conversations that i have had with them.
Im finding myself confused at times. Any advice would be most helpful...

Go you for asking. I think you've gotten lots of good advice - although you may not be dating/loving/fucking everyone, you live with them in a sense - so you will need to have some kind of relationship with them even if it's like roomates or whatever.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with that. People may not feel comfortable with introducing themselves or whatever, but if you show genuine interest and say "well I'd *like* to know when it's you, if that's okay" then that is totally reasonable.

Getting to know people will help you probably fear less. But it does suck if your lover goes away for long times. Our approach has been to work on people having more co-consciousness and not have to go away, over the long term. In the short term it requires faith and that's hard.

Asking questions is fine; prying into past traumas isn't. I'd present it to them: hey sometimes I want to ask questions, what's a good way/time to do that?

It feels like crap to be asked to go get someone else, sometimes. On the other hand we don't mind if we don't feel like the person asking is trying to get rid of us. What might help is something like "I am really glad to get to spend time with you but I'm worried about X, plus I want to ask X where the keys are. Would that be ok?"

I think as time goes by it gets more natural. Good luck and keep asking. :)

[taranfaithsgaby.livejournal.com]

i am also in a relationship with 2 people in 1 system... the core is actually married, so we are still working out the whole "who's in the front seat and who gets to spend time with them" thing...

i've tried to form friendships with all of the others that i've met so far, i've only not met two of them, one doesn't come out at all anymore, the other rarely does... i've really enjoyed getting to know each of them, they are my friends...

one thing i can think of to advise you on in this situation is to try not to think of them as facets of your boyfriend, they are all individual people, and should be treated as such... i don't assume that when i tell faith something that tara will know it, for example... unless they are fronting together, it's just like having a conversation with one friend and then expecting another who wasn't there to be aware of it... does that make sense?

also, in my situation, if i miss one of my girlfriends, i'll often just ask whoever's fronting what they are doing or where they are or whatever just to kind of get an update... if i am really missing one of them, i'll even ask if they can come out later to spend time with me, luckily, all the people in this system are really awesome and rarely have a problem checking on someone else or even asking them to front for a while if i (or the husband) want...

another thing that makes my situation so cool, is that i can hang out with any of them and still have a good time... for example, elizabeth and i watched a TON of Firefly yesterday and it was awesome... during that time, Faith and Tara were asleep together... :) i mean, for me, it's like having a group of friends with me all the time, just tied up in a neat little package... :)