intro

[barbedvelvet.livejournal.com]

I guess I figured I should introduce myself. I have been on this list a few times before and I don't ever remember saying anything except for a comment here and there. My name is Kendall, and I used to be a multiple. I guess I still haven't figured out a lot of things about my previous multiplicity. I think a lot of it is that I integrated because someone important to me at the time didn't like my multiplicity. It was too "confusing" or something. I guess on one hand it's understandable. For a while I only had 2 members in my system, one of them being me and the other a dragon named Ffraga. She wasn't the easiest entity to get along with at first, and I didn't tell many people about her for obvious reasons (what do you mean you hear the voice of a dragon in your head?)

I have actually integrated multiple times, but the first time was most traumatic. I had another member of the system show up in school one day and it scared me and some of my friends pretty badly. One of them had already expressed a semi-disgust about the whole thing. I panicked and integrated that night. I ended up splitting multiple times in a pretty chaotic chain of events over the next few months. I have almost no recollection of that time... When I broke up with my boyfriend a few months after my last integration he told me all sorts of things about how I needed help, etc. I eventually convinced myself that he was right, and that was incredibly sad for me. I don't think I was ready to integrate at the time I did, and part of me still feels like I killed parts of myself, although I know that's probably ridiculous. There are still times that I grieve about the whole thing, even though it was a few years ago.

Anyway, I guess that's one of the reasons I'm here. I know I'm not crazy, and that I wasn't crazy then... And it's nice to at least be able to hear from people who know what I'm talking about, nice to know I wasn't alone and that other people don't think I'm crazy either. It has been nice getting to read more up-to-date info on multiplicity. At the time I thought multiplicity came from DID, so my multiplicity at the time made no sense (insofar as the whole dragon thing and some other random aspects that don't fit neatly into the DID mental disorder categrory).

At any rate, I just wanted to introduce myself (for once) and let you know why I'm here and so you know I am not currently a multiple. I'm sorry if anything sounded melodramatic, because I didn't mean for it to sound that way.

Comments

[shadowechoes.livejournal.com]

Hi and welcome. :) Don't worry about feeling crazy about having a system member who is a red dragon - almost all of the members in Our system are therian/otherkin, and know a handful of other systems that are as well. ;) I hope that you can feel better about multiplicity and accept that it does not make you crazy - I don't know what your opinion would be on unintegration or anything like that. Us personally, I don't think We could ever integrate - it'd be like killing off Our friends and family, since many of Us have tight bonds with each other and don't consider each other just parts of one self.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. Welcome. :)

~Mindless

[barbedvelvet.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I do consider separating out again, but there are parts of being a singlet I do like. Unfortunately, it is extremely lonely. Thank you for the welcome, and I'm sorry I took so long to respond. :p Just out of curiosity, what is it like having therian members in your system?

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

oh man... we've heard this kind of story way too many times, and it once happened to us, too, or at least I tried to make it happen...

The intolerance factor never ceases to amaze me.

Whatever, you are perfectly welcome here.

And no, you don't sound "dramatic," I think that word is getting overused.

[barbedvelvet.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the welcome. I am sorry you had something similar happen to you, but I'm glad things appear to have worked out for you. :)

[whisperedones.livejournal.com]

Dragons? Unusual? Not really. I myself am a dragon therian (the only dragon in Our system)

You don't sound crazy.

Integration just won't work for Us. If you'd asked Us about six months ago, the Host at the time would've probably said "Yes, make these people shut up!" Now that We really don't have a set "Host" anymore, it'd kind of be like "Uhh, integration? Into what, a vegetable?" And yes, I am rambling now.

Anyway. Welcome.

-Ice

[barbedvelvet.livejournal.com]

lol, I like the integration into a vegetable line. Yeah... That would make things difficult. The initial reaction of Ffraga to integration was something along the lines of "Hell no, I don't want anything as weak and useless as you touching me, much less sharing space with me, much less becoming part of me" while my thoughts followed your Host's thoughts rather closely (with the addition of fear of becoming like Ffraga). Anyway, it's nice to hear from someone else with a dragon in their system. :)

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Welcome!

It's not unheard of for systems to have to force or fake integration because people around them are uncomfortable with multiplicity. I'm deeply sorry that you had to do so. There is nothing ridiculous about feeling like you killed the others-- many, many multiples who've integrated or tried to integrate report a feeling that the others are dying, even though they've been assured that afterwards they'll be 'happy' and 'whole.' They're people. They have their own thoughts and minds. It seems stranger to me that someone would not grieve.

Two-person multiple systems aren't so strange either, despite what the media may lead you to believe. In fact, in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, before the MPD/DID diagnosis even existed, the term 'dual personality' was used even when there were more than two, since two was considered to be the usual number.

Back before we knew what multiplicity was, we went through many years of trying to silence the others. When the ones we'd been trying to get rid of finally did disappear, we lost a lot, and we were ages in recovering from it. Later on, when we still couldn't make our 'voices' go away, we were able to legitimize it by saying they were characters in our stories-- muses, sort of-- but we had an ex-boyfriend (VERY ex) who was freaked out by the fact that they could come up front and talk to him. We tried telling him that it "wasn't MPD" (we had no idea at the time that multiplicity could be anything other than MPD), but despite all of that, he went around talking to our other friends behind our backs telling them about how we were 'crazy' and had this 'multiple personality thing' and needed help. (He was also deceiving us, claiming to our faces that he was okay with it, and trying to flirt, or worse, with every new person he met.)

So, if you're melodramatic, so are we. :) We've spent a lot of time and effort in the past few years recovering some of the people we tried to forcibly integrate, and while we still can't get a hold on some of them, we have had some of the others come back. Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's not out of the question to hope that those you forced to integrate or go away, can return.

[judiff]

hi

[barbedvelvet.livejournal.com]

Hello. :)