Faded....

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

It's happened again, though I've been trying to deny it, yesterday I accepted the inevitable. That my others were gone. Whether 'integrated', left or just dispersed, I have no idea.

If it wasn't for it happening before, five years ago, before I knew anything about multiplicity, I'd be convinced I had made them up, fantasised and so they were. When it happened before, when they faded I thought I must have been 'making it up' somehow, imagining too much and wishing it real. This time has confirmed it to me that what happened before was no fantasy.

Why they were with me, it was in every way real. I could feel them there, converse, argue, co-front. The last time was the same, in someways, it was more intense. But as with last time, I saw/felt them less and less, their 'thoughts' more mixed up with my own, less discernable as 'theirs alone' until the silence was unable to be denied.

I still feel like a 'we' at times more than an 'I'. But the individual voices are quiet. I am flying solo yet again. And it makes me wonder if any of them will ever stay for longer than a few months, if I am destined to be only a some-time system.

Comments

[ex-kiota.livejournal.com]

That's kind of sad. :( It sounds like you've merged, so they're still there.. they're you...

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

If they had all become her, she would not feel lonely. She'd be able to call up the personality patterns of the others at will and access all their unique qualities. In a true merging, by becoming all of them, she would have acquired the ability to become any of them if she wished. That's why I've very rarely seen any cases of integration I believed.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Don't despair. This has happened to some of our other friends and correspondents.

It can be one of two things; either everyone leaves for a while and then comes back, or more commonly, they are still around but you're less aware of them. People in the 80s and early 90s used to call this "the voices stopped". One of the first people we knew online had this happen periodically and each time she assumed that she had integrated (all 500+ of them?!). She'd march into her doc's office and announce "George, I am no longer a multiple!" And he'd just wait her out.

Hell, the first time it happened she thought she'd been making it all up and came to him confessing her fakitude, when it wasn't that at all. Sometimes you just lose contact. If I had a nickel for every time I lost touch with Laura and/or individual others and felt like I was the only person ...

So don't despair. This may be something that occurs in cycles. Leave doors open.

Luck,
Jay

[hairymonster.livejournal.com]

Wait. I've gone through very long periods where it seemed that there was only one inside. And if you have integrated, they haven't gone away, they've become you.

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

That's what happens to us/me frequently. Lately I've been the only one out and I lose almost all contact with the others. It's always a little sad because the first conclusion I jump to is, Well, I must've just been making it all up. I've had bad problems with denial in the past, especially about multiplicity, so it's scary to fall back into that mindset. But eventually most of them come back. I still don't know where they go. I'd like to go with them sometimes, but it seems I'm always stuck up here at the front...

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

All the reports I've read on so-called spontaneous integrations -- most of them fairly tabloidish things out of Omni and the like -- state that the group in question was deliberately working on trying to integrate and had been doing so for some time. You haven't.

You say it has happened before, which is further evidence that this is not permanent. In fact, your report sounds irresistably like radio fade. I've an idea you'll hear from them again before too long.