I know I've been here before.

[octobersea.livejournal.com]

And then I go back to this space where I get all determined to shove all of me together like so much Play-Doh. And it seems to work for awhile, and then some little thing will happen.

And I'm back where I am now. Tired of the cycle and experiencing a weekend of truth-facing, whether I like it or not...

Integration. It meant something to me when I started on my journey to integrate, and it means something else entirely now. I don't regret anything. I did manage to regain a lot of memories, focus, and I reduced how many of me there were in a way I think has been a positive thing for me.

Us. Now we can access each other for the most part. We can work as one quite often, and I could't do that before. Incidentally, I did all my integrative work on my own, without a therapist... once I knew what to do and what had to be done, I didn't see the point of paying someone else to sit there and listen about it.

But I'm at this point, this weekend... I feel like I'm lying to myself and it's time to just accept it... this is my life. There are at least three of me I know of right now. Me, the girl writing this right now- I'm KK for short, won't use my real name as it is my legal name and quite unique. Then there's V, and she's in two aspects. She is one who needs to stay caged most of the time, and one who is made of what used to be her and another female named, ironically, Sybil. <-- no it's not because of that damned movie.

Anyway, I'm feeling incredibly alone right now. And how ironic is that. Heh. I decided to rejoin some multiple communities and begin to accept that after ten years of focused effort, if this is where I am, this is okay.

But it's also really upsetting because I feel like I've been lied to to a degree... big surprise.

Anyway... hi. :) Nice to be here... hopefully I will stick around this time. Depends on if everyone in here agrees this time.