(no subject)

[riagoose.livejournal.com]

Describing all of those within. Trying to accept and acknowledge instead of denying and doubting any more what is true and real.

'Ria': the artist. Ria is quiet, quick to shy away when approached or put on the spot. Ria was a friend to my little brother when things got bad as a child. Ria was the one who thought she could heal the world with her delicate touch. An idealist she joins programs for healing and therapy... Always striving to be one with the universe and everything in it. Painting to cleanse the demons of the past or tearfully playing the piano or writing stories about death and despair. She gets only so far in her ambitions and then cuts out leaving me(Maria) with the unfinished art or the therapist staring me down.

Maria (me now)--the strong one. Always stepping in to get things done. Very much business and seriousness. Almost intolerant of playing or leisure. Stuck much of the time in a state of stress trying to put things in order and get things done. Skeptical of therapy and art...skeptical of anything other than the tangible and real. Quick to become aggravated and irritated by the world. Unable to cope with too much disorder or emotion I slip out of the chaos when it gets to great because the emotions are too hard for me to process. When I slip we all sort of fade into a quiettude of retreat, Ria takes over then and sometimes Karrie too.

Sara--a beautiful child. Whimpering and weak. Clutching a doll closely and barely able to speak beyond whines and whimpers. Loves toys at Christmas and eating too much candy and believes deeply in religion, magic, miracles. Very fearful and seems to come around unwelcomed when things get sexual--curls up into a ball of protection and rocks fearfully. Longs for a companion but never finds one who quite understands her stunted language and deep and everlasting sorrows.

Karrie-chaos personified. powerfully lustful and unafraid of society. Longs to be in the limelight, to bare breasts or explode into any situation with her colorful sense of humor and her deeplonging for mischief. Willing to party and do numerous drugs, unafraid of getting involved with guys we do not know. Often slowed down or stopped by me when things go to far or when damage has been done that would lead people to find out our fragmented ways--something I would not want to have to describe to anyone for fear of misunderstanding or even a diagnosis that would place me at the mercy of therapist eternally.

There is also a guy within...nameless--who is very controlling. He speaks in threats and discouragement mocking and building self shame and weakness in order to control us. Then he cradles us in his assurances that he will always accept us or love us despite our endless downfalls. His ideas are cruel and he controls each of us with his spoken doubts until we find ourselves in the midst of resignation. He steps up and joins this world only very rarely, mostly in anger ready to punch someone who has wronged one of us. Otherwise he acts as a sort of god within, infiltrating our thoughts far more boldly than the others. We all fear and obey him...even at times punishing the body as retribution for our failures...He is the one who does not want us to ever part. He is more powerful than us all.