multiplicity_archives | Relationships, SO's, and Sexuality

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Relationships, SO's, and Sexuality

This is a topic that has caused me some stress in the past, so I figured I'd ask about it here...

Have (m)any of you had to deal with conflicting relationship/sexual needs of your insiders?

(I'm the main person in here, and I'm a straight female in a female body. Two others inside are straight females, and the third is bi and into all sorts of kinks. We've managed to work out a compromise (in theory) that this body won't be with another female, but that we can each negotiate open relationships with the (male) people we care for. The deal has been in place for a while now, but we are only *now* starting to venture into each having our own relationships, so I no indication on if this is really going to work or not. (What kinks we will allow the forth to do with this body is/are also still being debated))

Thanks for your time...

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well we certainly have different relationships and sexual needs in here :)

birrd is totally devoted to our old boyfriend, and to other people in *his* system, but in kind of a disturbing way because he's really intense about it and wants to be cuddled and kissed and wants to make out with people and thinks he wants to have sex and he's 7.

and rose is a sane and consenting adult except she's a little TOO loving and has almost gotten us in trouble before, being totally willing to have sex or even long conversations with people who are very manipulative and cruel to us because she can see the good in them and they behave themselves around *her.* oh I'm tempted to make that a link to the person i'm talking about but i'll definitely have to practice restraint!

and dani's totally codependent and has stayed in abusive relationships for way too long... he's probably not the only one... and also promised way too many resources and too much energy (as in more than he's able or truly willing to give) to people that are good partners. but he's in CoDA now so he's working on that. :-)

Most of us that have declared a sexual orientation are bi, but there are people who are as yet undecided :) As a system we're actually transgendered as well as bi and most of our partners have been some variation of transgendered, which bends the question of whether to be with boys or girls somewhat ;)

I feel like I should add to that somehow. I don't know, it's never really been a problem as far as what gender people we're dating are because so many of us are bi and don't care. Or, you know, *enjoy* people's genders but don't require a certain one :-) Mostly as far as sexual expression and negotiation of that has gone, it's been about the sort of issues with specific decisions people are making, not so much what kinky things to engage in ;-) I suppose if we were to articulate the general rule of thumb around that it would be "before you do something, feel around and make sure nobody else who's out is uncomfortable with it, and don't do anything that endangers anyone."

Part of the ground rules on not being with women comes from the fact that while the others come and go, I see everything even when I'm not fronting.

My fourth is interested in blood-sports, piercings, group sex, and.. erm.. animals... among other things.
*Shudder*

sounds like a good reason for those rules :)

We have problems as well, but we are in a monogamous relationship with a male. We have bi/straight/gay/not interested males and females inside. Our rule is that anybody (of legal age) is welcome to have 'relations' provided they let the outside male know who they are, what they want to do, and have his agreeance beforehand. Of course, there are also limits on what can and can not be done - for example nothing that will make others too uncomfortable to face the outside male the next day, is permitted, and so forth.

Unfortunately, it does not work perfectly. With a system well over 400 (and counting) things get messy. There is always someone who does not obey the rules - or who does not get to do what they want, because the outside male disagrees or it is against our rules. Despite all that we do have it down pat and it rarely causes a large problem anymore.

We wish you luck in solving things for yourselves!

Hells yes. *g* We're a mess of very different people thrown into and forced to share a single body. No, we don't agree on matters of relationship and sex. Do we agree on anything?

Technically, our 'rules' as put forth by the governing council of the Consortium (I got a lot of respect for them -- no, really!) we are not allowed to date. At all. Romantic and sexual relationships are simply forbidden. This is because in the mix we have kids who aren't ready for sex or people who have issues with sex, and because the very cynical among us don't think anyone out there can seriously handle the whole multiple thing and all the other weirdnesses that come along with being close to us. Makes for a lonely existence.

On the other hand... and I doubt the rest of the Consortium will read this, so I'm safe... could our council really stop us if one of us started a relationship with someone? No. I'm sure it'd be hell for that person if there wasn't *some* agreement ("Oh honey, I love you. -- Argh! Don't touch me! -- Wait, what's your name?") but if both someone in the Consortium was determined and the person they were seeking a relationship with were then it'd happen.

I am a mostly-straight male; straight for all intents and purposes but I'm not going to close any doors. *g* I'm also horny. *wiggles eyebrows* Among the common fronters, we have several straight guys and several straight girls, a couple gay guys, several lesbians, and who knows how many who are bi. We also have a handful of asexuals. And each one of us has our own kinks and preferences I'm sure. I've never really asked.

And our rules state that in this reality we will enter into relationships with females only and that we will identify as lesbian.

Obviously that causes problems. I'm not actually sure *how* we came to that law, I wasn't on the committee. *g* I think mostly it was because of the triggers and problems that having sex might cause, they were greatly made worse by males. Or maybe at the time the decision was made, the entire council was made up of lesbians. Heh.

We're also poly. I personally think that all multiple systems who date are technically going to have to be poly, even if their relationships here are limited to one outside person monogamously. But how many people from the system are dating that one person? Of course, we all have our unique relationships with each person here on earth. One of us may be dating someone, another just considers said person a friend, another is married to them. But we are poly, in that we're open to relationships between this body and more than one other body. We also have "intrasystem" relationships -- that is, relationships in the other world, which would happen to come across to others as the fact that some of us date others in the system.

In terms of kinks, we have the rule 'safe, sane and consensual' -- even though we may not be into bdsm. And everyone we date must be aware of safewords, for *any* situation, not just sexual or kinky. They also have to be aware of who we are before we'd ever get into that kind of situation with them, so they could notice a switch or something sending us up the wall. There's a lot of planning and setting up ways out and so on for each thing. Obviously things are going to be different if you've got coconsciousness; we don't.

My suggestion? Be open-minded and maybe experiment a little -- SAFELY. Everyone in a system should be equal and everyone's needs and wants should be considered. Obviously stay away from anything harmful or illegal. And use safewords that everyone in your system and whomever you're with are aware of. I'm not saying go out and start dating women. *g* But maybe add a little bit to the relationship(s) you've got going now.

This is way too long. *lmao* I don't even know if it'll save.

Interesting timing, since such a situation just blew up in our faces.

We are a system currently married to another system. There are several "pairs" between us, including one in our system who is torn between two in theirs. For the most part, this system works well, but recently a third person has entered the situation. On in our system and one in our wife's system are both interested in him, and he considers himself poly and is open to both. We have no problem with this but my wife... well, some of them... are staunch monogamists. Meanwhile, others of her will gleefully join him. But if one of ours (who isn't married, though he has expressed romantic interest in one of hers) so much as makes a move, they accuse us of cheating. It's been quite stressful lately and we're not sure how we're going to handle it.

we've had problems with Pattie, the 4 year old and sex. she seems to think she's 16 some of the time.

that sounds realy hard and stuff. We have beening negationg inside poly stuff some resently I am glad the person in our partners system involved is being realy cool about it.
good luck
Angie

we know lots of peoples who age shift.
Angie

Most of the conflicts we've had over sexuality stem in some way or another from the fact that we've been celibate for the past five years or so-- voluntarily, because the person who was the dominant front until recently had a lot of sexual insecurities and hangups, and the problem is that now that said person isn't the dominant front any more, not everyone likes the whole celibacy deal. It's not that we never -want- to have any kind of life in that department again, it's more that a lot of us need help getting over our hangups.

As for differing sexual tastes, that's not as big an issue among us. Nobody in here is really into BDSM or other 'kinks'-- we just don't see the appeal of it, ourselves, though it's other people's choice if they want to do it. Some of us are definitely more attracted to one gender than the other, though on the whole, we've kind of been shunning the label 'bisexual' lately-- because there are some people in here who are neither male nor female and are definitely sexual in their own right. So why use a word that implies there are only two choices? We don't care much for labels anyhow.

Short answer: yes! Tons of problems!

In junior high and high school various people got into their own relationships with people -- mostly online -- and I could never figure out how 'I' had ended up dating three people at once and promising each of them they were the only one I was involved with!

Once out of our hometown, people decided that I got to call the shots as to relationships, and this lasted for many years. Everyone else either tried to relate (pretending to be me) to the person I was involved with, or sat around resigned and bitter. Online relationships were still a big outlet for people, but not as much as time went on.

When I started figuring out I wasn't alone in here I was in a monogamous relationship. People started up online relationships again, but it often freaked me out a lot and I wasn't very fair about letting others have the time & space to relate to people emotionally -- and sexually was just right out.

As it stands now, I am engaged to be married to a lovely man, and I'm out as multiple, and we're poly -- which means other relationships are possible, but require negotiation. All of us that I'm aware of are emotionally involved with him in some form or fashion, and our agreements with him span the continuum from very traditional monogamy to 'lovers with no strings attached'. Its working quite well, although I suspect that there will be some challenges working out the scheduling details if someone wants to get externally involved.

Good luck to you with all your negotiations! I think its really wonderful to have everyone appreciated for themselves, but it takes a lot of courage and a lot of communication.

we've got a couple age shifters, she has a small age shift on occasion. between 4 and 8 i think.

ok. our turn. :)

relationships and sexuality are stressful. though for us it seems that a lot of the stress involved right now is due to scheduling issues.

yes, there are several hundred of us. and yes, there's one body. not a real great thing when there are lots of people who want time.

as a system we identify as bi. though pam was probably much more bi than most of us are, but she's been gone for several years. (that's a long story) our identity as bi feels very important to us and since there's not just one of us or just one who is "the host" and there all the time, identifying as something more limiting than that just doesn't feel right. though as someone mentioned earlier, that is limiting in and of itself.

in our system, there are boys/girls/men/women/both/other/non-gendered etc people and others. pretty much running the gammut of sexual orientation. (though i'm not aware yet of anyone who identifies as an entirely gay boy/man.) though we have by no means met everyone yet. there are many who are not interested in sex at all, many who are terrified by it, and a bunch who enjoy/want it. there are some who play with bdsm, and some who take it a bit more seriously. tops, bottoms, and switches.

the protectors have stepped in and said we are not allowed to bottom/sub at this point (they decided that years ago, and have not lifted it yet) the one exception to this is to allow some mild bottoming from one person who is a 16 year old girl and extremely sexual. their reason for allowing it from her is that she is not a bottom or sub by nature at all. it's something she's willing to play with b/c it's something her boyfriend sometimes likes/needs and she enjoys it when she does, but it's very "surface" for her and she has a strong enough sense of self that it is not going to harm her or the system. the protectors have also set a couple of other rules of things we are not allowed to do with anyone (including ourselves). they don't step in and make rulings invovling the outside world very often. only when they feel it's absolutely necessary. and if they think it's important enough for them to step in about it, it sure as hell needs to be listened to.

our life partner is also multiple and we are poly. there are over 20 individual relationships between our systems. some of these are poly (i.e. the person involved in one system, might be involved with more than one person in the other, or with one or more in the other and one or more in their own) and we are externally poly as well. (can be involved with people in external bodies) all of this takes a lot of negotiating and scheduling is EXTREMELY difficult. noone feels like they get enough time.

*sigh* now this is really too long.

sorry.

storyteller (jim, toni, jill, and others)

We have never had any problems with sex related to our multiplicity, except for partners who wanted to take advantage of it in one way or another. For instance, if two or more of us were in a relationship with someone who occasionally wanted to have "group" sex (requiring two or more to share the body during sex). Although we can co-run, doing that during sex doesn't come naturally or easily to us. It could get pretty uncomfortable. Also, asking for the person they want -- often a tough call, whether it has to do with sex or not.

But we have not any really bad horror stories like the ones we've heard about people who would get cozy with a younger person, taking advantage of that trust, because they were a covert child molestor and thought they could get away with it because it was an adult body. Nuts!!!

Kids in multiple systems who know about sex and want to engage in sex play or whatever, is one thing. If it's their choice. But if it isn't, forget it.

Most of our problems with sex have concerned transgender issues, not multiplicity. Men who saw only the body and tried to come onto what they thought was a girl, you know the routine. No doubt you've heard about the kind of thing where a gay man in a female-body household has a relationship with a het man who thinks he's dating a girl. In our experience, it is not the same thing at all, it does not work out and it's ultimately unsatisfying to both parties.

It works out better for us to be with another multiple and that is what we are at present.

We're also living examples of the fact that not all multiples are into kinks. We're generic vanilla, gay, straight and a few bi.

in a way youz allz proebly have it more easy, being 'one in many'
and I just being my own confused self, and NOT a freeking heart floozy like a lot of people I incounter, that ones mind could meld or borrow fromanother, but all in all the're all "dogs"

what? how? any person in the realationship just as the body, but who's mind and soul do they have?

why with just myself no one loves me?
I have my own problems myself, and thats it, if I had no "self" then the'd be no problm
it all is always sucking

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Relationships, SO's, and Sexuality

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