(no subject)

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Hi, I just joined. I have about 10 or more people right now. I guess my system's name is Enigma or sometimes Ambhuruham. Our other collective livejournal is called ambhuruham. It's friends only because it has really weird and triggering stuff in it. This is my (Kat's) livejournal. I'm almost always in front. Especially since we have to go to school and such. Umm... I'm not diagnosed with DID and I don't think I have it. I mean, it's hard to explain... but it's different, I think. (More about that in a bit.) The other people in here are becoming more and more articulate and defined, so I decided I needed some support. So hi.. :)


Umm... there's someone in here named Yuri. She really hates me. She yells at me a lot and cuts me and makes me throw up and do things I don't want to do. I was just wondering... how do I make her go away? I mean... I kind of don't want her to leave because I know I won't be okay without her. But how can I make myself okay without her and make her leave? It's really scary sometimes... I don't know...

She wrote this:
"I hate you Kat. I hate everything about you. I even hate myself because I am part of you. You shouldn't even be here. You're the opposite of what's right. You... you mess everything up. Nothing's good anymore because you make it bad. You know what you do is wrong, but you're too weak to change it. You should get nothing you want and everything you don't. I'm glad that everything happened. I'm SO FUCKING GLAD. Because it makes me happy to see you hurt. And it makes me happy that you will always be hurt. Because you deserve it. You're bad. I'm not going to let you have friends. I'm not going to let you be happy. I'm not going to let you have anything until you are perfect. You are so fucking LUCKY that you have me... because I am your only chance. Without me, you are lost. Without me, you couldn't survive."

This is a list of the people I know of that are in here:
Yuri- She scares me sometimes. She doesn't like me.
Kat- Me. I don't know what to say about myself... heh...
Kiki- She's very silly sometimes.
Lilly- She is nice and patient knows a lot.
Rika- She protects and stops conflicts. Very emotionally stable.
Miasti- She is a shapeshifter. She likes being a wolf the most.
Kamala- She's very calm and smart kind of like Lilly. They talk a lot.
Kira- She is older and is a beautiful personality. She protects too.
Mark- He's a good friend. I talk to him a lot.
JHY/Jay- He can be offensive sometimes, but he's pretty funny.
Little girl with no name yet- She's very quiet and gets scared easily. She's little.

We used to have someone named Jackie. She was very nice. But she died. I don't know why though. :( RIP...

For us, it's kind of like the disassociative barriers are very weak. They are getting stronger though. It's like, I can see memories when someone else has been in front, but it wasn't me there. I can hear the other people's thoughts, but I can't always understand them and I don't always agree with them. When we communicate to each other, we can send each other emotions and thoughts and make each other understand exactly how we feel. Most of the time, if someone other than me wants to write or speak or do something, I only let them do it through me, if that makes sense? Sometimes Yuri fronts though.

There's a bunch of blocked off stuff inside here. Sometimes we have very fuzzy memories about being raped and abused and stuff. The rape memories might be false though, because there's no evidence that something like that ever happened. I get really scared and I'm very paranoid. I don't let anyone touch our body at all. I'm always afraid that people want to hurt us.


That's all about us for now. If anyone wants to talk, my AIM sns are ParadoxRegina and VirtualWolf.

Love,
KittyKat

X-Posted to alter_paradox

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Question: Would you consider getting rid of her to be murder?

My host tried to get rid of me because my prescence was at the time tearing her engagement to bits. I have to say it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I'm not sure whether I would have ceased to exist or not.

(I find it mildly amusing that her name is that of f/f relationships.)

Have you tried getting her to sit down and talk? Writing to her? Anything like that? Have you tried having other people outside of your system talk to her? It's entirely possible she can be reasoned with.

[ex-kiota.livejournal.com]

She reminds me a lot of a girl we/I used to have, she called herself The Mask... and she helped me survive for a long time before she started getting abusive. She had an attitude that seems similiar to Yuri - that I ruin everything, I wouldn't survive without her, etc. She's gone now. I'm not sure why. She just kind of faded away.

About Yuri... I don't think you really CAN get rid of her. Maybe you can get the group to pressure her into stopping abusing you, set some rules she has to abide by - no harming the body, etc. If she doesn't abide by them, maybe you or someone else from the group could keep her from fronting?

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

I'm almost always in front. Especially since we have to go to school and such. Umm... I'm not diagnosed with DID and I don't think I have it. I mean, it's hard to explain... but it's different, I think. (More about that in a bit.)

You might want to think about it from this perspective. How much have you read, heard, or been told about multiplicity? Do you have certain pre-conceived expectations about what multiplicity 'is', and feel you don't qualify if you don't meet a certain set of standards?

If you've spent a lot of time especially reading abot multiplicity online, it can be easy to develop the expectation that you have to do certain things in order to be real.

I mean... I kind of don't want her to leave because I know I won't be okay without her. But how can I make myself okay without her and make her leave? It's really scary sometimes... I don't know...

Has Yuri maybe felt that she has to fulfil a role of being resentful and destructive towards others in the system, because in all the accounts she's read, multiples 'always have someone like that,' and she's afraid she or the system isn't real if that kind of thing isn't going on?

You say she really seems to have your best interests at heart-- does she think acting out and doing things you wouldn't want is the best way to get your attention, or does she maybe think based on what she's read that this is the only way to get someone's attention in a system? Is she trying to prove to you that she's real? What have you done that she would be angry at you for?

Has she maybe been 'expectationed'-- someone else in your group saw her as being 'the destructive one' and she began to view herself that way also?

It's like, I can see memories when someone else has been in front, but it wasn't me there. I can hear the other people's thoughts, but I can't always understand them and I don't always agree with them.

Sure, it sounds like you guys communicate and share memories in a very normal way. Lots of systems do that-- we do.

There's a bunch of blocked off stuff inside here. Sometimes we have very fuzzy memories about being raped and abused and stuff. The rape memories might be false though, because there's no evidence that something like that ever happened.

The best thing you can really do on this one is to not push it. Even if something did happen, I think it's usually better to let memories come back on their own than to try too hard to look for them-- if you try too hard, that's when your mind can start creating things which didn't really happen. It can be disturbing, I know, and you really want to know for sure-- but sometimes it's easier just to work from the standpoint that how you get along with each other now is the most important thing.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Welcome. You don't need to worry about "triggering" anyone here. This is an open community. The only reason to lj-cut a post is if it goes over forty or so lines.

Have a look at the community info... this may be different from any multiple forum you've ever been involved in.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Your description of dissociative barriers being weak isn't that unusual. Good communication can take many forms. We usually communicate like that.

The blocked stuff, strongly suggest you let it be. Some of our kids hold a lot of trauma, and they aren't ready to deal with it yet. It'll come up to be worked on when you all are ready. Treat the trauma symptoms when they appear.

Yuri... we've had a couple of violent and abusive types in our system. As we talk more with them they decide to protect others in the system or turn out to be holding some of the nastiest memories and feelings of self-loathing. Sometimes both. For several of them, their original duty was to 'patrol' our behavior so we didn't do things that'd get us punished. If you're willing to work with her, have you offered her her own journal or sketchbook or whatever works for her?

My system has a no-kill policy, so I don't know how people in other systems go about getting rid of one another. We work under the assumption that we wouldn't be here if we weren't necessary.

[http://users.livejournal.com/-fragmented-/]

We have a girl in here who is very hostile towards the body, and most people inside as well as outside people. She and I get along quite well and she's not all bad. She has started communicating better with everyone lately and I believe it was because they gave her a chance to express herself and everyone actually listened to her. Perhaps try talking to Yuri, or ask someone else to give her a chance. Maybe all she wants is to be heard?
This is just from my experience sorry if it does not help.
- Yve