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multiplicity_archives2003-12-13 02:55 pm
identitysuicide.livejournal.com) wrote in multiplicity_archives2003-12-13 02:55 pm
sex and switching
I've had a boyfriend for about two and a half months now. He's been the first serious boy I've felt close to in years. He's good to me.
We were having sex the other night and I decided to try something new. I became more aggressive. My disposition changed.
He sat up in bed afterwards, gripping his pillow, looking like a virgin all over again. He looked scared and confused. I asked him if everything was okay and he seemed fine. He described his feelings like this:
'You scared me. I couldn't tell if you were the same person. You changed into someone I've never seen before. Even your voice changed. It made me nervous. I don't know what to expect with you.'
I tried to warn him that it happens. Then, last night, we were having sex and he encouraged me to be more aggressive. I tried. And I tried. It didn't quite feel right. Something was off. I almost started crying during sex. I had to try really hard to hold it back. I was on top and I was in control, but I didn't feel in control.
Afterwards, I realized I was in a severe dissociative trance. I got up and went to the bathroom to try to gather myself and clean up. I kept shaking and jumping- scared of nothing. I couldn't stop shaking. He held me and I cried in his arms. I haven't cried in anyone's arms in years. Many years. The worst part is that I didn't know what I was crying about. I couldn't figure it out. I'm lost.
The first time, I was proud to give him such pleasure. I was glad that he could see another side of me. The second time, I felt frustrated with myself and towards the end, I felt I had regressed to something I hadn't been in touch with in a long time. I felt guilty for crying on him. And I still held back. I only let out a little of what crying I needed to. I didn't want to scare him with the pain I hold inside. He wouldn't recognize me again if I did.
ps. Sorry, inner_ensemble, I stole your icon. :/ It's too perfect.
We were having sex the other night and I decided to try something new. I became more aggressive. My disposition changed.
He sat up in bed afterwards, gripping his pillow, looking like a virgin all over again. He looked scared and confused. I asked him if everything was okay and he seemed fine. He described his feelings like this:
'You scared me. I couldn't tell if you were the same person. You changed into someone I've never seen before. Even your voice changed. It made me nervous. I don't know what to expect with you.'
I tried to warn him that it happens. Then, last night, we were having sex and he encouraged me to be more aggressive. I tried. And I tried. It didn't quite feel right. Something was off. I almost started crying during sex. I had to try really hard to hold it back. I was on top and I was in control, but I didn't feel in control.
Afterwards, I realized I was in a severe dissociative trance. I got up and went to the bathroom to try to gather myself and clean up. I kept shaking and jumping- scared of nothing. I couldn't stop shaking. He held me and I cried in his arms. I haven't cried in anyone's arms in years. Many years. The worst part is that I didn't know what I was crying about. I couldn't figure it out. I'm lost.
The first time, I was proud to give him such pleasure. I was glad that he could see another side of me. The second time, I felt frustrated with myself and towards the end, I felt I had regressed to something I hadn't been in touch with in a long time. I felt guilty for crying on him. And I still held back. I only let out a little of what crying I needed to. I didn't want to scare him with the pain I hold inside. He wouldn't recognize me again if I did.
ps. Sorry, inner_ensemble, I stole your icon. :/ It's too perfect.