rambling...no ranting, just confused rambling

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

in a response to a post, cirape said:
I view nonfunctional multiplicity as something with missing time and system members being unable to communicate and the like.

conveying in words i could not find, exactly what i have been going through...
talked w/my psychologist this week about it and he's suggesting we keep track of this and asked about letters written, emails sent, things bought, places gone w/out my forefront knowledge...
i told him this had been happening for years, but i blew it off as "forgetting" because people DO forget things from time to time...i mean, after all, don't most people talk to themselves in their head, right?
heh, it's only when my daughter tells me "you know you have a british accent, right?" and "umm, when did you forget to know how to make coffee?"
cuz that happens to everyone, right?
uh, no...
it's only been within the past 3 years that it has become more and more prevelant, which confuses and scares me to no end...people at work have said things of concern and i brush that off as having a bad day, or i'm feeling emotional or whatever comes out of my mouth that makes sense to them and they walk away - satisified w/the answer they've been given only to leave me befuddled as to just exactly what was said...

system members being unable to communicate and the like.
i read this and thought - oh yeah, well, THE LIKE part got me in the emergency ward w/about 3 stitches on one wrist and bandages on the other because apparently there is a sullen 16 yr. old boy that gets angry quite easily and then gets self destructive...most of the time it's contained and curtailed, but sometimes - well, sometimes it just happens...
i was there in the hospital all day...then i saw my psychologist that afternoon...

so he asked for copies of things that had been written and/or sent and such and i asked my friend to help me w/that because the last time i thought to do that - the paperwork got lost and my friend said,
"maybe there's someone who DOESN'T want anyone to know at all"
and i brushed it off as "forgetting"...

i've come to find that when i "go" somewhere else or however that can be explained, i get this bone-chilling cold shiver, and it's slightly numbing and not all that pleasant...usually happens when i feel stressed and/or threatened...
what happens to you when you "change"?

i've taken a break from posting in my personal journal because every time i put in the attempt, it's gone...nothing gets posted, not even jokes or pics or whatever - so i took a break...someone wrote a nice note and that was that...sometimes it bothers me, but i'm going with it for now...i've been in other communities and lj's of friends, but nothing like being here where i feel better...well, as good as i can feel...

anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this - but thanks for letting me ramble...

Comments

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

Hello,
I’m mrs. Hannibal…
The shivery feeling? I’ve been told that when something has been said to me has struck me out of the blue, it’s almost the sense of “I don’t want to hear this” and I can feel myself shut down and shut off…well, that, and “don’t respond to that - too revealing an answer”…I suppose it’s to have things still kept hidden…strangest feeling…and you are so right in the when suddenly something makes a great deal of sense and speaks to us on many levels or addresses many parts. exactly…well said…

JULIAN is not so much suicidal as he is sullen, likes to drive fast (no license), and mouth off…but I see what you’re saying - a purpose for whatever reason…he’s also looking for help, but doesn’t know how to ask - and apparently he’d written a poem to my friend asking for help…amazing…I just now got that…

I shall read your blog, thank you for the invite…
Oh, gosh - I’ve know there were things wrong for a long time now…even while things were happening, THEY WERE WRONG…and yet, a lot of that was “lost” in my memory and really didn’t come to the forefront until a few years back…but not dealt with at all…not. At. All.
This “issue” came up years ago, but now it has become more and more prevalent in my every day living and the hard thing is - I’m confused about this being acceptably real or not in that I mean I still DON’T believe this…my kids and friends and coworkers tell me otherwise…I want to brush this off as imaginary, and yet…I can’t…and that is what is killing…

resistance is futile, sayeth the borg
No kidding…
I want desperately to know, and then in the same hand - this is too frightening to comprehend even w/my mind…and I can find reason for much, but this? Well, this has me flummoxed like nothing else in my life…denial would be grand if it worked - but it doesn’t because there are too many variables that say to the contrary…
I don’t know if they are conflict or not - I can’t figure that out as of yet…
Makes for interesting dinner conversation, wouldn’t you think?
And yes, more often than not - blocked, but not so much as impotent…sometimes, definitely - out of control…it’s hard when I can’t tell where I end and where they start…
does that make sense?
forgot to touch on "resisting" - yeah...more than i ought to, i think...even w/some knowledge, i still don't want to believe this...

My iI>operative truth is supposedly a british male - but I don’t know any more than that…

Thank you for all the feedback…I appreciate it…

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

I would think that if you can overcome your fear, and talk to the others some way, it will become much less stressful.

Good luck :3

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i would hope to acheive that goal...
in the mean time - they pretty much talk to my friend, so i can deal w/that for now...

thanks