rambling...no ranting, just confused rambling

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

in a response to a post, cirape said:
I view nonfunctional multiplicity as something with missing time and system members being unable to communicate and the like.

conveying in words i could not find, exactly what i have been going through...
talked w/my psychologist this week about it and he's suggesting we keep track of this and asked about letters written, emails sent, things bought, places gone w/out my forefront knowledge...
i told him this had been happening for years, but i blew it off as "forgetting" because people DO forget things from time to time...i mean, after all, don't most people talk to themselves in their head, right?
heh, it's only when my daughter tells me "you know you have a british accent, right?" and "umm, when did you forget to know how to make coffee?"
cuz that happens to everyone, right?
uh, no...
it's only been within the past 3 years that it has become more and more prevelant, which confuses and scares me to no end...people at work have said things of concern and i brush that off as having a bad day, or i'm feeling emotional or whatever comes out of my mouth that makes sense to them and they walk away - satisified w/the answer they've been given only to leave me befuddled as to just exactly what was said...

system members being unable to communicate and the like.
i read this and thought - oh yeah, well, THE LIKE part got me in the emergency ward w/about 3 stitches on one wrist and bandages on the other because apparently there is a sullen 16 yr. old boy that gets angry quite easily and then gets self destructive...most of the time it's contained and curtailed, but sometimes - well, sometimes it just happens...
i was there in the hospital all day...then i saw my psychologist that afternoon...

so he asked for copies of things that had been written and/or sent and such and i asked my friend to help me w/that because the last time i thought to do that - the paperwork got lost and my friend said,
"maybe there's someone who DOESN'T want anyone to know at all"
and i brushed it off as "forgetting"...

i've come to find that when i "go" somewhere else or however that can be explained, i get this bone-chilling cold shiver, and it's slightly numbing and not all that pleasant...usually happens when i feel stressed and/or threatened...
what happens to you when you "change"?

i've taken a break from posting in my personal journal because every time i put in the attempt, it's gone...nothing gets posted, not even jokes or pics or whatever - so i took a break...someone wrote a nice note and that was that...sometimes it bothers me, but i'm going with it for now...i've been in other communities and lj's of friends, but nothing like being here where i feel better...well, as good as i can feel...

anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this - but thanks for letting me ramble...

Comments

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

We offer comfort. We don't lose tim at all. But we do have a crappy memory. So if you need us we're on Yahoo! or if you have a question or just need some one to talk to you can leave us a comment in our journal or friend us or whatever. We don't mind making friends .
L.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you - i appreciate the "comfort"...
i have no idea where to go with this...and yes, by all means, let's do the "friending" thing...

:)

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Good since we do share some other things in common. We're type II diabetic so we can understand what you go through with that. Also we like some of the same actors/musicians.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thanks - i did the "friending thing" -

just to let you know, i haven't posted in days, as i'm taking a break from my own lj to try and wrap my head aroudn this whole thing...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

::Nod:: We'll add you back in just a sec. Maybe reading our LJ will help some although we've not posted so much either. Good luck! Wrapping your head around something is always hard. If you need us or have any particular question about any thing we say or just if you have questions in general we don't mind if people leave a crapload of comments so comment away if you like to do that kind of thing.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

oh, i have shit-load of questions, and things to say and things to tell - but when i go to put them on paper, or post them or try to email them to my friend -
nothing...
the page remains blank and i get this cold shiver, and this derealization feeling and all thought ceases and i wind up doing something else...
my friend says it's a defence mechanism from them wanting to stay hidden and simply go back to functioning as the shell of "me" and no one the wiser as the what is really going...i told him i'm tired of it and he's been working w/me on that...
he listens and "someone" or "someones" seem to talk to him - but i never know what's said, written to him...
he says it's a work in progress...
and i'm still frustrated...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

We have a suggestion. Perhaps it'd help you. We What'd happen if you just spoke out loud to them? Or in your mind? if you live alone you can do it aloud. If you're not alone in your house then think what you want to say. They're probably as terrified as you were. We can understand that. Also, leaving brief notes out that you're afraid and that you don't intend to hurt them might help. We've been multiple all our life but communications weren't always so wonderful so we understand you completely in that area. And maybe eventually you, them and your friend can work on something to take away the cold shivers. Good luck and we're all here if you need us.
Rayvin

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

oh, i do put in the attempt to "talk" to them in my head, but it's more like them talking to ME into being quiet and letting them take over because whatever is going on is too emotionally overwhelming for me to handle at the moment...
even w/sex...
hell, i LOVE sex -
but my friend tells me that "someone" requested or wanted or said this and that and had a great time doing whatever was suggested and i don't wind up remembering sometimes until days later...
makes for an interesting "Remembered" moment, let me tell you...