(no subject)

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Hi, I just joined. I have about 10 or more people right now. I guess my system's name is Enigma or sometimes Ambhuruham. Our other collective livejournal is called ambhuruham. It's friends only because it has really weird and triggering stuff in it. This is my (Kat's) livejournal. I'm almost always in front. Especially since we have to go to school and such. Umm... I'm not diagnosed with DID and I don't think I have it. I mean, it's hard to explain... but it's different, I think. (More about that in a bit.) The other people in here are becoming more and more articulate and defined, so I decided I needed some support. So hi.. :)


Umm... there's someone in here named Yuri. She really hates me. She yells at me a lot and cuts me and makes me throw up and do things I don't want to do. I was just wondering... how do I make her go away? I mean... I kind of don't want her to leave because I know I won't be okay without her. But how can I make myself okay without her and make her leave? It's really scary sometimes... I don't know...

She wrote this:
"I hate you Kat. I hate everything about you. I even hate myself because I am part of you. You shouldn't even be here. You're the opposite of what's right. You... you mess everything up. Nothing's good anymore because you make it bad. You know what you do is wrong, but you're too weak to change it. You should get nothing you want and everything you don't. I'm glad that everything happened. I'm SO FUCKING GLAD. Because it makes me happy to see you hurt. And it makes me happy that you will always be hurt. Because you deserve it. You're bad. I'm not going to let you have friends. I'm not going to let you be happy. I'm not going to let you have anything until you are perfect. You are so fucking LUCKY that you have me... because I am your only chance. Without me, you are lost. Without me, you couldn't survive."

This is a list of the people I know of that are in here:
Yuri- She scares me sometimes. She doesn't like me.
Kat- Me. I don't know what to say about myself... heh...
Kiki- She's very silly sometimes.
Lilly- She is nice and patient knows a lot.
Rika- She protects and stops conflicts. Very emotionally stable.
Miasti- She is a shapeshifter. She likes being a wolf the most.
Kamala- She's very calm and smart kind of like Lilly. They talk a lot.
Kira- She is older and is a beautiful personality. She protects too.
Mark- He's a good friend. I talk to him a lot.
JHY/Jay- He can be offensive sometimes, but he's pretty funny.
Little girl with no name yet- She's very quiet and gets scared easily. She's little.

We used to have someone named Jackie. She was very nice. But she died. I don't know why though. :( RIP...

For us, it's kind of like the disassociative barriers are very weak. They are getting stronger though. It's like, I can see memories when someone else has been in front, but it wasn't me there. I can hear the other people's thoughts, but I can't always understand them and I don't always agree with them. When we communicate to each other, we can send each other emotions and thoughts and make each other understand exactly how we feel. Most of the time, if someone other than me wants to write or speak or do something, I only let them do it through me, if that makes sense? Sometimes Yuri fronts though.

There's a bunch of blocked off stuff inside here. Sometimes we have very fuzzy memories about being raped and abused and stuff. The rape memories might be false though, because there's no evidence that something like that ever happened. I get really scared and I'm very paranoid. I don't let anyone touch our body at all. I'm always afraid that people want to hurt us.


That's all about us for now. If anyone wants to talk, my AIM sns are ParadoxRegina and VirtualWolf.

Love,
KittyKat

X-Posted to alter_paradox

Comments

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

My therapist has tried talking to her, but she didn't know she wasn't talking to me because I was too embarassed to tell her when I came back and Yuri wanted her to think it was me. She does that sometimes. She's not really easy to reason with. She is mad at me for everything I've done. She really has my best interests at heart, I think. She wants me to be a good person, but she's kind of harsh with me because I'm not. I guess I can try and write to her. It's hard because she's almost entirely just rage. She used to be easier to talk to, though...

-Kat

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I used to be a pain in the ass (Still am if you get me at the right time)

Give it a go and see what happens. .... Try to avoid sympathy or being too 'caring' though. It can push buttons for 'angry people'.

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

I know what you mean about that. My dad is way too sympathetic sometimes and even I get annoyed with him, and I'm not really that angry.

-Kitty

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I have to chime in and say that I was "the angry one" in the past too. :)

I totally agree that if you can work it out to mutual respect at least, that is the most stable and best path for you both, in my experience.

I also wonder if some time for her to do her things would help. Although some limits (like no cutting - plus that is her body too!) are good. But for me a lot of frustration came from feeling blocked at every turn - that I couldn't find a way to be really me, not just group-pacifying-me. Once I had space to be me, I was able to see other people's points of view more easily and negotiate in good faith.

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Heh... I'll try that.

Maybe she can hang out with some outside friends or something...

-Kat

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Outside friends can work. For me at least, the more respect I got as a person, the more respect I gave.

not your best interest

[reinahada.livejournal.com]

its not your best interest to be told you are bad and that you can't have friends. not at all in your best intererst. she's verbally abusing you. it could be that is all she knows how to do, but you don't deserve it, not from her or from anyone. the fact that you believe she has your best interests in heart just goes to show how much control she has over you. it's quite possible that you could live just fine without her. i find it telling that you couldn't tell about yourself. don't let her define you.

distraida-claudia

Re: not your best interest

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Arg...

I'm confused.
I don't feel like I CAN be okay without her. I think I would fall apart. I'm too attached to her that I can't even make myself make her go away. She defended us against our mom, she gives me rules, she motivates me to be better. I really want to be better. It would be unstructured without her and I couldn't live like that.

-Kat

Re: not your best interest

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

No, it's not okay to accept verbal abuse. If, as you hypothesize, it's the only thing she knows how to do, however, does this mean that it's okay to attempt to negate her existance?

There are ways Kat can set boundaries which don't immediately resort to wishing Yuri away.

I find it telling that Yuri wasn't always like this. *shrugs*

--Me

Re: not your best interest

[reinahada.livejournal.com]

hey yo what up

i never meant to imply that she should kill her or wish her away and yeah you are seriously right she needs help, especially after you point out that she didn't used to be like this, the girl is going through something probably that we can't possibly understand. hopefully she can find the right kind of help, either inside or out.

we had a member one time who always made fun of others and was generally pretty mean. we were able to put her to sleep for a month and help her via dreams and telepathy to learn that it is okay to have and feel emotions, and it is okay to feel something other than pain, because she was convinced that we needed to feel pain, like all the time, because that way we couldn't ever really be hurt.

distraida-claudia and maybe someone else

What happened?

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

You say it wasn't always like this, so what happened?

What do you think caused the change in her behavior.

--Me

Re: What happened?

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

I suppose we were less distant and less like two seperate people. She still didn't like me much, but she wasn't as hard on me and she understood my mistakes more. *Shrugs*

-Kat

Re: What happened?

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

When reading this, I started off skeptical, I'll admit. I mean, what does becoming "more separate" have to do with this sudden change. I got to thinking about it however, and I remembered some things I've noticed over the years, which might be of assistance.

1. Sometimes, when people are starting to understand themselves, and come into their own, they run the risk of polarizing themselves. Essentially, attempting to understand each other in relation to the other, in a way that has a habit of making system members percieve themselves and others in-system in black and white terms. This can cause unnecessary static between system members, especially if they feel the need to live up to the impossible hype.



2. As people establish themselves as separate beings, there can be an increased tendancy to point fingers within the system, when in fact the person doing the pointing has at least partial responsibility as well. Mutual responsibility for circumstances is at times considered mutually exclusive to autonomy and individual responsibility. Sometimes the feeling has basis, but not always. For example: you indicated that she's not happy with the weight of the body, and if I understand correctly, holds you responsible for that. However, she could use the time she spends fronting to work out rather than cut. So, she could do something about it, rather than complain.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but it's something to think about, providing I was at all clear.

--Me