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multiplicity_archives2007-09-11 03:17 am
silentduet.livejournal.com) wrote in multiplicity_archives2007-09-11 03:17 am
Sex, Truth, and Headvoices
So, I guess this is an introductory post, but I do have a question. I'll get to that later.
We're the group formerly known as the Silent Duet. We called ourselves that because there were only two of us, and we never let on to anyone that there were two of us. Now I think we're going to have to change our name since someone else has shown up (or rather, returned - long story). Anyways.
I'm Rose, and I, as far as either of us can tell, was the original inhabitant of this body. When I was about thirteen, I was walking down a hallway at school when I heard someone call my name. I glanced around, and then ran to class, thinking it was one of the meaner girls trying to make me look like an idiot. It happened again as I was leaving school that day. I let it go, but it kept happening. At first, I only heard the voice at school. And then I heard it at home, in my room, and I was terrified. I knew it was a male's voice, and he sounded much older than me. I was certain that he, whoever he was, was chasing me. I felt hunted, or pursued or something. I started trying to hide from this mysterious man whom I couldn't see. I'd rush between classes, play music, and even hide behind groups of my friends as if I expected him to jump out at me suddenly. He never did, and eventually I let my guard down a bit. Finally, one day after school, I noticed the local outcast girl (you know - the kid everyone makes fun of?) scurrying along on the side of the hallway. I couldn't help thinking that she really needed to start acting better. Scurrying around just made people think she was scared, and she shouldn't act scared. Normal, boring middle school thoughts. Soon, I heard him say my name for the thousandth time. I snapped, and shouted "What do you want?" To my surprise, he responded, "If you really feel that way about her, you should say something." I snapped back that I didn't have any feelings for that girl. He replied that I clearly felt that she should stand up for herself, and that was a feeling.
By the time I was on the bus, I'd forgotten everything but his voice. I was only thirteen, but I felt a rush of pleasure when I heard it. It was so... beautiful. I felt a rush of sexual feelings that lasted for several hours. Being young, I didn't think to be ashamed or worried by that. I just knew that I had to talk to him again, had to meet him. It wasn't until much later that night that I remembered that he had been speaking from inside my head and began to think about the implications.
Jenkins (that is one of his names) and I developed a quick rapport. I didn't question his reality, and he didn't question mine. I tried so hard to get him to tell me where he was, and, more importantly, who he was, but by the time I entered high school I came to realize that he didn't have answers to that. Most of my junior high and high school years were spent acting as our censor, for lack of a better term. Occasionally, I would slip up. A few times I answered him out loud (like in the beginning) instead of subvocalizing, and that caused problems. I remember the first time he fronted. It was during the summer, and I had just had a fight with my friend. I was laying in bed crying, and I felt him wash over me like a sweet and terrifying wave. Again, I felt sudden sexual desire as I lost control to him, but I did not become amnesiac in any way - I watched him wash my face, change into blue jeans, and sit down at my mom's computer to read an article about Gillian Anderson (we were both big X-files fans at the time.) After that, I wanted him to do it all the time, so I had to be very careful and control myself, or risk being discovered.
It's been something like ten years since I first met him. He's still here, and we've become very efficient at hiding ourselves, yet still manage to enjoy each other greatly. He sometimes takes classes or writes for me, and sometimes he fronts for an entire day to do whatever he wants. When I buy clothes, he always has a say. For my birthday last July, he played a trick on me. We were in a Big Box Mart, and I was looking at school supplies. "You need a birthday present," he said, and the next thing I knew I was outside with my shopping bag. I had all of my purchases, but the bag also contained several makeup items that weren't on my receipt. I'm pretty sure he shoplifted them, though he won't admit it really, but I guess it's the thought that counts.
Last week, I was under a lot of stress, and I sort of let it slip to my therapist (whom I see for bipolar disorder) that Jenkins exists. I'm pretty frightened about it, though Jenkins seems pretty chill. He keeps saying that my therapist is a good person, and wouldn't hurt either of us. At the end of the last session, the therapist was very flustered. It was like he started having hot flashes or stomach cramps when I told him about Jenkins. He tried to quote Thoreau ("I am large; I contain multitudes,") but it came out ("I am large; I contain multiple.") Now I'm pretty scared.
My two questions:
1) Anyone else told a therapist something like this? What happened?
2) Why do I feel so sexual towards him? It never dissipated, even though I was 13 and he was (and still is) 26. I feel like I'm cheating on my SO, but I can't help it.
We're the group formerly known as the Silent Duet. We called ourselves that because there were only two of us, and we never let on to anyone that there were two of us. Now I think we're going to have to change our name since someone else has shown up (or rather, returned - long story). Anyways.
I'm Rose, and I, as far as either of us can tell, was the original inhabitant of this body. When I was about thirteen, I was walking down a hallway at school when I heard someone call my name. I glanced around, and then ran to class, thinking it was one of the meaner girls trying to make me look like an idiot. It happened again as I was leaving school that day. I let it go, but it kept happening. At first, I only heard the voice at school. And then I heard it at home, in my room, and I was terrified. I knew it was a male's voice, and he sounded much older than me. I was certain that he, whoever he was, was chasing me. I felt hunted, or pursued or something. I started trying to hide from this mysterious man whom I couldn't see. I'd rush between classes, play music, and even hide behind groups of my friends as if I expected him to jump out at me suddenly. He never did, and eventually I let my guard down a bit. Finally, one day after school, I noticed the local outcast girl (you know - the kid everyone makes fun of?) scurrying along on the side of the hallway. I couldn't help thinking that she really needed to start acting better. Scurrying around just made people think she was scared, and she shouldn't act scared. Normal, boring middle school thoughts. Soon, I heard him say my name for the thousandth time. I snapped, and shouted "What do you want?" To my surprise, he responded, "If you really feel that way about her, you should say something." I snapped back that I didn't have any feelings for that girl. He replied that I clearly felt that she should stand up for herself, and that was a feeling.
By the time I was on the bus, I'd forgotten everything but his voice. I was only thirteen, but I felt a rush of pleasure when I heard it. It was so... beautiful. I felt a rush of sexual feelings that lasted for several hours. Being young, I didn't think to be ashamed or worried by that. I just knew that I had to talk to him again, had to meet him. It wasn't until much later that night that I remembered that he had been speaking from inside my head and began to think about the implications.
Jenkins (that is one of his names) and I developed a quick rapport. I didn't question his reality, and he didn't question mine. I tried so hard to get him to tell me where he was, and, more importantly, who he was, but by the time I entered high school I came to realize that he didn't have answers to that. Most of my junior high and high school years were spent acting as our censor, for lack of a better term. Occasionally, I would slip up. A few times I answered him out loud (like in the beginning) instead of subvocalizing, and that caused problems. I remember the first time he fronted. It was during the summer, and I had just had a fight with my friend. I was laying in bed crying, and I felt him wash over me like a sweet and terrifying wave. Again, I felt sudden sexual desire as I lost control to him, but I did not become amnesiac in any way - I watched him wash my face, change into blue jeans, and sit down at my mom's computer to read an article about Gillian Anderson (we were both big X-files fans at the time.) After that, I wanted him to do it all the time, so I had to be very careful and control myself, or risk being discovered.
It's been something like ten years since I first met him. He's still here, and we've become very efficient at hiding ourselves, yet still manage to enjoy each other greatly. He sometimes takes classes or writes for me, and sometimes he fronts for an entire day to do whatever he wants. When I buy clothes, he always has a say. For my birthday last July, he played a trick on me. We were in a Big Box Mart, and I was looking at school supplies. "You need a birthday present," he said, and the next thing I knew I was outside with my shopping bag. I had all of my purchases, but the bag also contained several makeup items that weren't on my receipt. I'm pretty sure he shoplifted them, though he won't admit it really, but I guess it's the thought that counts.
Last week, I was under a lot of stress, and I sort of let it slip to my therapist (whom I see for bipolar disorder) that Jenkins exists. I'm pretty frightened about it, though Jenkins seems pretty chill. He keeps saying that my therapist is a good person, and wouldn't hurt either of us. At the end of the last session, the therapist was very flustered. It was like he started having hot flashes or stomach cramps when I told him about Jenkins. He tried to quote Thoreau ("I am large; I contain multitudes,") but it came out ("I am large; I contain multiple.") Now I'm pretty scared.
My two questions:
1) Anyone else told a therapist something like this? What happened?
2) Why do I feel so sexual towards him? It never dissipated, even though I was 13 and he was (and still is) 26. I feel like I'm cheating on my SO, but I can't help it.