(no subject)

[ash1977law.livejournal.com]

Input please…

 

Ok, a bit of a reintroduction. I’m Ash. I’m the original owner of this body, or at least the one who’s up the most (fronting as it’s known here). Also there is Annabelle.

 

Annabelle is female, and very insecure about her gender identity (I think that’s the right way to put it). As the body is male she tries to over-compensate in every way. She’s rather giggle than laugh, if given a choice of cars she’d say “oh, the pink one” without considering the car itself… that sort of thing. Her body image (which occasionally leaks through and makes me have to look down & go “huh – no I am wearing trousers & no I don’t have breasts”) is strongly female. We’ve had our issues in the past (she wants to go on female hormones & stuff for example).

 

Anyway… erm… we are (were) both dating a very wonderful person. In fact we are engaged to be married very soon, beginning of December. The only problem is that my fiancé (who is happy to be marrying me) has just broke up with Annabelle.

 

Annabelle runs away from her problems by going inside (her theory is that SHE is the original occupant of this body and in our late childhood/early teens I was created as a front or mask personality for her to wear to deal with awkward situations and that I slowly became ‘alive’ as she faded into the background). When she heard the news she decided that she wanted to Go Away, to somehow cease to exist.

 

***

Now let me state here that I’m a level-headed kind of guy and poo-poo mystic gumbo about walk-in-souls, soul bonding, alien visitation, ESP, the Loch Ness Monster and BigFoot. If that’s what you believe then that’s fine – I don’t want to disrespect your beliefs. Personally I believe that dice are inherently lucky or unlucky and that if you treat them nicely they will roll better – a belief my SO mocks constantly. So whatever you want to believe or disbelieve that’s fine, I’m just saying what I believe: multiplicity is a purely mental and not spiritual phenomenon. I believe that both my own & Annabelle’s beliefs are on record here. Why am I saying this? Well… background really, so you can understand my mental state and frame of reference.

***

 

Anyway, Annabelle decided to Go Away. She decided to do that by shedding her memories and her name and going deep down. Kind of like a swimmer swimming downwards into a dark sea and discarding floats as she goes.

 

Now initially I welcomed this – a head free of second-guessing and backseat driving and finally I don’t have to wake up with painted toenails or find myself in strange places in strange clothes. Just having one of me would make it so much easier not only for me but for my SO

 

***

A note on my SO. She’s great. On a scale of 1-10 she’s a 50. She tried for a year and a half to fall in love with Annabelle, but it just wasn’t to be. They were incompatable, they both gave it a try but in every way they are different people, oil and water. That she tried for a year and a half says a lot about her tolerance and largeness of heart.

***

 

Anyway… ah yes. Annabelle disappearing. She decided to Go Away but it turns out that the part of ‘Us’ that is ‘Her’ is mostly in charge of our libido (and our tact, of which I have none apparently). Strangely that meant that my libido (and tact) was vanishing too.

 

As that occurred I started recovering memories, the memories that she had been keeping for all those long silent years between childhood & her resurfacing. Now none of these memories were of abuse, nor are they traumatic in any traditional sense of the word – but they are incompatible with my sense of self. (It seems that a younger me back in the way-back when had a choice to make about Gender, Sexuality, Assertiveness and the like… as I now come to think of it these memories encompass a lot of what makes the two of us different.) I would go into detail of these memories but I don’t think they are any of your business. There… see, I can’t even talk about them and feel comfortable. My initial reaction was to tell you that it was none of your business. *sigh* Ah well… where was I?

 

Ah yes… so I could feel her like a heavy core of sadness inside me disappearing & fading, and taking my libido (and tact) with her. It was like the HAL2000 death scene from the film ‘2001: A space Odyssey’… only without the black monolith. Only I don’t think HAL2000 controlled the spaceships libido. I digress…

 

She was fading and I found that I missed her. I also missed my libido (and tact) and frankly don’t want those memories to be mine, as I’d have to reconsider my sexuality, gender, a lot of things. Mostly though I missed her as a person. With the help of a friend we got her back, though she’s still ‘shaky’ I think Annabelle will be fine long-term. She may even grow emotionally stronger because of it.

 

Anyway – my problem is this. I’m in love with my SO, who is in love with me. We are due to be married, and soon. We are already (as they put it in the bible belt) Living In Sin. Now that ISN’T the problem. The problem is that I’m sharing the body with a girl who is in love with my fiancé and previously was her girlfriend. My SO still cares for her, but doesn’t love her.

 

Has anyone had a similar situation? Some of you out there are more than just two people, some of you are lots of people, most of whom are very different. How have you handled the situation? If you are a singlet who is in a relationship with a multiple, how do you deal with it?

 

I really want my marriage to be great, but really want advice so I don’t end up doing anything bone-headed.

 

Help please?