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multiplicity_archives2003-12-14 10:39 pm
walkerinthegrey.livejournal.com) wrote in multiplicity_archives2003-12-14 10:39 pm
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My name is Lucien, and I am a member of a multiple system.
It's shocking for me to admit it, but I suppose that I must.
I've been living an online life entirely separate from the others in my system, something that none of the others have tried. I've posted here and there in this community and in some other multiple's journals under Ace's username, taka_kitsune. I suppose it's all of ours, in some ways, since it was our journal before Ace realized that she wasn't alone, before we were allowed to be people in our own right.
I suppose my biggest problem with being multiple is that I am male, and the body is not. Does that make me a transsexual? *Laughs* I suppose it does. It sounds a lot kinkier when speak of it that way. Looking in the mirror is always a shock, seeing this pretty blonde looking back at me. The eyes are close, though. Grey. The body's eyes change, and when they are grey... I can almost see myself looking back through them, as if this face was but a mask, as if I could peel it away.
But I cannot. I will never be myself again, in my own body. I'll never have the chance to kiss someone I love with my own lips... Hell, I'll probably never have a chance to kiss anyone at all, and even if I could... they would never love me for myself. It depresses me. Extremely, sometimes. I feel like I'll drown in my lonliness, like I will die here in this prison of flesh. And fuck subtlety. I miss my dick.
I once had a conversation with a girl who was in love with a fictional character.
How do you explain it when you yourself are a fictional character in love with someone real?
I am rambling, though.
I'll go back to smothering my thoughts in online gaming and perhaps in sleep.
Though someone else always takes the body at night.
If it were me, I would stare at the ceiling till sunrise.
Alone in the flesh, if not in the mind.
It's shocking for me to admit it, but I suppose that I must.
I've been living an online life entirely separate from the others in my system, something that none of the others have tried. I've posted here and there in this community and in some other multiple's journals under Ace's username, taka_kitsune. I suppose it's all of ours, in some ways, since it was our journal before Ace realized that she wasn't alone, before we were allowed to be people in our own right.
I suppose my biggest problem with being multiple is that I am male, and the body is not. Does that make me a transsexual? *Laughs* I suppose it does. It sounds a lot kinkier when speak of it that way. Looking in the mirror is always a shock, seeing this pretty blonde looking back at me. The eyes are close, though. Grey. The body's eyes change, and when they are grey... I can almost see myself looking back through them, as if this face was but a mask, as if I could peel it away.
But I cannot. I will never be myself again, in my own body. I'll never have the chance to kiss someone I love with my own lips... Hell, I'll probably never have a chance to kiss anyone at all, and even if I could... they would never love me for myself. It depresses me. Extremely, sometimes. I feel like I'll drown in my lonliness, like I will die here in this prison of flesh. And fuck subtlety. I miss my dick.
I once had a conversation with a girl who was in love with a fictional character.
How do you explain it when you yourself are a fictional character in love with someone real?
I am rambling, though.
I'll go back to smothering my thoughts in online gaming and perhaps in sleep.
Though someone else always takes the body at night.
If it were me, I would stare at the ceiling till sunrise.
Alone in the flesh, if not in the mind.
no subject
we just wanted to respond a little bit to some of what you said. we understand that gender stuff can be really difficult and really confusing, and that's exponentially more complex when you bring multiplicity into it.
we have a wide mix of genders in here. there are several hundred of us and we kind of run the gamut in lots and lots of areas. as a system we consider ourself to be transgendered, though not transsexual. most of the folks here are pretty ok with the body being female. though it really bothers some of the guys. randy was the first guy we met who it really bothered. he stayed out for a long time and flirted with our roommate. :) he only left when we had to go to the bathroom (and to make matters worse it was that time of month...) that was too much for him and we haven't seen him since. if ryan comes out and the body is wearing a skirt or dress, he'll put on sweats or something before he'll go out.
but the one who did the most work (and had the most issues) on this was tom. he was the first guy who had a very strong self identity and self-image of himself as male. and he wanted to interact in all ways as a man. including sexually. he has/had a girlfriend in our partner's system. the first time they had sex it worked really well for both of them. and phone sex worked. but after the first time he became very self-consious and felt like he was inadequate and he couldn't make love to her the way he wanted to, etc. we tried to find some support for him, but the different f2m lists and stuff ignored our letters asking for help or resources. so we started a mailing list called mpd_and_gender. he worked on stuff on his own, we worked on stuff with him. his girlfriend worked on stuff with him. she had no complaints and felt he was more than adequate, but he couldn't accept that. he kind of had a semi-psychotic break (unrelated to the gender issues) a few years ago and hasn't been out since. we miss him.
our partner is also multiple and they likewise have many genders in their system. as a system, they are an m2f transsexual. which makes things a little complicated for the guys in their system. there are relatively few of them. one of her guys has a girlfriend in our system and they are Very sexually active. he sometimes has similar issues to those that tom dealt with. he considers himself to be a man in a woman's body, which confused some people in here initially, though we understand it better now.
like i said...multiplicity complicates things exponentially.
anyway. i'm sorry to ramble so long and i hope we didn't say anything bad or inappropriate adn didn't bore you to tears. :)
one last thing...while it may not feel that way right now, it is very possible to be seen, accepted, and loved completely for who YOU are, not just for the body or the system. and this isn't JUST possible with other multiples. it is possible with singleton's too.
take care and good luck. feel free to email us if you want.
storyteller
interesting thread
El
no subject