multiplicity_archives | (no subject)

My name is Lucien, and I am a member of a multiple system.
It's shocking for me to admit it, but I suppose that I must.
I've been living an online life entirely separate from the others in my system, something that none of the others have tried. I've posted here and there in this community and in some other multiple's journals under Ace's username, taka_kitsune. I suppose it's all of ours, in some ways, since it was our journal before Ace realized that she wasn't alone, before we were allowed to be people in our own right.

I suppose my biggest problem with being multiple is that I am male, and the body is not. Does that make me a transsexual? *Laughs* I suppose it does. It sounds a lot kinkier when speak of it that way. Looking in the mirror is always a shock, seeing this pretty blonde looking back at me. The eyes are close, though. Grey. The body's eyes change, and when they are grey... I can almost see myself looking back through them, as if this face was but a mask, as if I could peel it away.
But I cannot. I will never be myself again, in my own body. I'll never have the chance to kiss someone I love with my own lips... Hell, I'll probably never have a chance to kiss anyone at all, and even if I could... they would never love me for myself. It depresses me. Extremely, sometimes. I feel like I'll drown in my lonliness, like I will die here in this prison of flesh. And fuck subtlety. I miss my dick.

I once had a conversation with a girl who was in love with a fictional character.
How do you explain it when you yourself are a fictional character in love with someone real?

I am rambling, though.
I'll go back to smothering my thoughts in online gaming and perhaps in sleep.
Though someone else always takes the body at night.
If it were me, I would stare at the ceiling till sunrise.
Alone in the flesh, if not in the mind.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I like computers well enough, but they hate me. It seems like stuff malfunctions just by being in contact with me. It doesn't happen to the others, though.

Anyway. My origins.
To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure.
I guess... I guess I died, somehow, and ended up in here? That's what the others seem to think, and I do believe in reincarnation. Hell, I remember past lives of my own... but as for my life, I have scattered memories, all seeming relatively contemporary... Maybe a little earlier? I don't know. All I know is that I found (find) myself here, amongst these other shattered souls.
Am I dead?
That's a damn disturbing thought.

My 'brother' insists that he is dead, and that's another reason he won't assume corporeality. Oddly enough, he insists that his twin is not dead, despite their having supposedly been one person and/or occupied one body at the time of his death, but he can't (or won't) explain what that is all about.

His twin expresses no opinion on the subject, but then, he seldom expresses an opinion about anything... he surely does not act like someone who thinks himself dead, and he doesn't like it when his twin gets into his gloomy I-am-dead mode.

My own thought is that he's not dead - sure, he died; everybody dies, but he's not dead now... he's aware, able to think and feel and communicate, capable of being fully manifest in this body whenever he wants... that doesn't exactly fit the classic definition of "dead". We could debate the subject for years (and have done so) without reaching any conclusion, though, so mostly we just let it rest now.

Anyway - for you - you, too, can think, love, communicate, and be physical, yes? So you might as well assume that you're alive until you have solid evidence to the contrary.

Maybe I can be un-dead?
I mean. Vampires are cool.
(*Gets firmly throttled by other members of the system*)
Look! I'm kidding. Gods. Can you people not take a joke?
Anyway. They say I act gothy and morose enough as it is without contemplating my (post)mortality.