multiplicity_archives | May. 7th, 2007

so i get these wonderful (i say sarcastically) cold chills running up my spine leaving me feeling painfully numb, which tells me a number of things - usually i'm "leaving" and someone(s) else is "coming in"; as well as a situation is fast approaching and there are things i cannot change and it's anxiety and apprehension...
The “chill factor” could be a byproduct of the struggle that occurs when alters switch back and forth....in addition to being a method of attempting to derail your train of thought when pursuing answers.
this is an explanation given to me when i could find no other and this seems to fit what i feel is going on...
but i wish i could "will" it away...

my therapist has been sent a few things to let him know that perhaps i'm being occupied by more than one person...there's someone in my head, but it's not me...

i've talked to him about this again and again and every time i do, i blurt things out and have a hard time talking about it in a sane and logical fashion and the intense feeling of LEAVING THE OFFICE is so overwhelming that i just stop talking...well, it FEELS like i stop talking, but i'm sure i don't...

i see my therapist wednesday morning (first thing) and i'm about crawling out of my skin - sleep is off and on and somewhat of a joke...my waking moments are filled w/anxiety verging on massive panic attacks and nothing is making sense anymore...
trying to get and stay calm seems to be the planned action for the next two days and i feel like there is a lot of yelling going on - kind of like the war room in dr. strangelove...

every fiber in my being is just SCREAMING not to go to that appointment - but i know i need to...i know this, and yet that seems to matter not in the least...

sometimes when i think i'm really ready for some answers or get some form of communication going - it becomes so horrendously hard to concentrate and focus on that idea that i pretty much give up and let whatever happens happen...

anyhow, thanks for listening...