And you don't know what you want, but you want it

[44circles.livejournal.com]

I hate EVERYONE in my group. I had one good friend, and she changed so much last year that I can't even talk to her now. She's incoherent. It drives me crazy.

We have friends who know that we're Multiple, but none of them like me or are MY friends.

I'm so frustrated, all I want to do is smoke and hurt this stupid body. I don't even have the tits to kill myself, anymore. I turned into this giant wuss right along with the rest of them.

I want to talk to the shrink so badly, but he keeps telling the others that he's not good with teenagers and teenagers make him uncomfortable and blah blah blah. I don't know what I'd say to him, anyway. I just hate and hate.

Anyway. I wanted to tell you that it helps, a little bit, to read your posts. That's all.

Marigold

(no subject)

[emmajeans.livejournal.com]

Lately I have been more disconnected than usual. The world is a little shakey... keeps doing phasm shifts. Jumps. Maybe from giving blood. Maybe from starting back at the gym (yay!). Maybe from coming off my crazy-person pills (lexapro. Its less boring to 'admit' to being crazy than to say you're depressed and watch people's behaviour change towards and around you - IMHO).

I'm so glad I won that battle. My Rational Self has resigned herself to a crazy mixed-up ride. I don't/didn't want to prolong the agony in coming off tablets slowly, so I tapered the tablets down for probably a week, ten days... then I stopped taking them.
Agony it was.
We had a dreadful time on our way back from our holidays. (The holidays were great though, so that's something! Yay!)
My poor boyfriend! We had lovely conversations in the car, then when we got there he said something quite innocent, really. My Rational Self KNEW what he meant, but by the time she talked me through it, I was already ranting. Princess interpreted it the same way I did, and she went into panicky melt-down. We went and had dinner which was as pleasant as it could be, then we barely got to the car before I started freaking out about something else. Honestly, I"m not sure what I was hoping to achieve. Princess was still fragile and scared. I was angry and full of energy. My poor boyfriend copped it again in the car. I guess I knew, even without Rational Self telling me, that I was being over-reacty.
So we got back to the hotel room.
Another innocent comment: I tried so hard to take it in the spirit in which it was said. I had to leave the room to cry in the bathroom.
After the time lapse, I am naked in the bottom of the shower with the water running over me, I'm pukey and have big welts and cuts on my wrists, forearms, tummy, thighs... I can't stop crying. Everything sets me off. I feel too warm: I cry. I start to shiver: I cry. Wah, wah, bloody wah.

I'm so glad I was able to repress all this while I was on holidays. It is not a good thing to introduce oneself and begin crying and accusing people of being horrible and mean to you. I probably would have just reached for the tablets if that had been the case. I hope someone would have told me.

It's been getting better slightly over time, although, I was crying while watching "Legally Blonde 2" - it was just So Sad! (or something!), and sobbing at the Optus poster at the airport. Another friend copped it on the IM yesterday though. He was trying to tell me how to behave, what words to use, that sort of thing. Princess was bored by it, Rational Self was kinda bemused. I was laughing to begin with, then I just snapped. I don't think I"ve used the word "Fucking" quite so many times in a sentence before! Princess had her turn to be all anti-socially angry and upset today, also. It started off with an underground pimple, then ended up being about my boyfriend's hair. *sigh*
Seriously. Some people get upset over the silliest things! (not me, obviously)

I just hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings (too badly). If I have, I hope they let me know. If going off these meds makes my friends dislike me, then there is a real problem with my going off them. I might have to find out if they have a three-monthly crazy-person injection instead! (do they even have those???)

0:)
Scharlotte et. al.