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multiplicity_archives2004-07-09 06:23 pm
shadowsage05.livejournal.com) wrote in multiplicity_archives2004-07-09 06:23 pm
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....hey. I'm usually just a LJ lurker, last few months, but I saw this community today, stumbled on it actually, and had to post here, so I made a journal.
I'm 16, um, I call myself Sage. Not my real name, just what I think of myself in my head. I always thought of myself as other names, but it's been Sage the last couple of years.
Last few months have been...not good. There's this little girl, 8 or 9, brown hair, pigtails. her name is Ruby. I remember when I was a kid, I used to talk to her, imaginary friend or something. Well, 4 or 5 months ago she came back. I don't know how to explain it...like in my head but not really. It's not voices, more like a person. I don't know why I know how she looks, since she's not really a real person but...she doesn't really 'front' as it's called her (I dont really know the lingo that will) doesn't talk usually. Sometimes she does, she used to a lot when I was young I think butnow she's just there. I feel her there sorta. She talks sometimes though.
There's also Augustine. I usually don't 'feel' her, like she doesn't hang around like Ruby...she comes out sometimes though. She's like, really good. Like, she'll just clean things and make things nice and help strangers, or pray (I'm agnostic, she's christian I think). Most of the time when I do something really nice or commedable, it's her. Like, the other day she cleaned the entire kitchen for my mom, for no reason. I don't really...control her, but she takes over gently, not scary like.
Last few weeks theres...someone else I think. I can sense her but don't know who she is. She wont speak or communicate but she is there sometime, sort of scary. Like, the other day, my hand was moving and I wasn't the one doing it. Or I walked downstairs a few days ago (monday I think) and my hair was in a ponytail and I can't rember at all putting it that way, I never relly wear it in a ponytail. She seems more like me than Augustine and Ruby, but also darker then them, a bit scary. Ansd she wont say anything
The whole thing is, I don't know whats going on. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm the main 'front' person and no one knows, I dont want them thinking I am crazy. Till I sort of saw this community I though maybe I was. Like I had DID or something. Do I?
Anyway, sorry for such a huge post...
I'm 16, um, I call myself Sage. Not my real name, just what I think of myself in my head. I always thought of myself as other names, but it's been Sage the last couple of years.
Last few months have been...not good. There's this little girl, 8 or 9, brown hair, pigtails. her name is Ruby. I remember when I was a kid, I used to talk to her, imaginary friend or something. Well, 4 or 5 months ago she came back. I don't know how to explain it...like in my head but not really. It's not voices, more like a person. I don't know why I know how she looks, since she's not really a real person but...she doesn't really 'front' as it's called her (I dont really know the lingo that will) doesn't talk usually. Sometimes she does, she used to a lot when I was young I think butnow she's just there. I feel her there sorta. She talks sometimes though.
There's also Augustine. I usually don't 'feel' her, like she doesn't hang around like Ruby...she comes out sometimes though. She's like, really good. Like, she'll just clean things and make things nice and help strangers, or pray (I'm agnostic, she's christian I think). Most of the time when I do something really nice or commedable, it's her. Like, the other day she cleaned the entire kitchen for my mom, for no reason. I don't really...control her, but she takes over gently, not scary like.
Last few weeks theres...someone else I think. I can sense her but don't know who she is. She wont speak or communicate but she is there sometime, sort of scary. Like, the other day, my hand was moving and I wasn't the one doing it. Or I walked downstairs a few days ago (monday I think) and my hair was in a ponytail and I can't rember at all putting it that way, I never relly wear it in a ponytail. She seems more like me than Augustine and Ruby, but also darker then them, a bit scary. Ansd she wont say anything
The whole thing is, I don't know whats going on. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm the main 'front' person and no one knows, I dont want them thinking I am crazy. Till I sort of saw this community I though maybe I was. Like I had DID or something. Do I?
Anyway, sorry for such a huge post...
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Just chiming in to say that it's entirely possibly to be plural without fitting into the DID/MPD kind of model... obviously, I don't know your situation, but if you don't feel like it's a disorder, like if there are other people around, but you aren't losing time all over the place or feeling like your life is very negatively affected by it... There are a number of functional-multiple systems on this community, who have more than one person per body but don't in any way identify with the MPD/DID label.
A couple of functional-multiplicity sites in case you want to read more about it:
http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural
http://www.kitsune.cx/~amorpha/
... anyway, hi, and welcome. :)
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no subject
Being multiple doesn't mean you have to have your whole life fall apart. And your "dark" friend might just be a bit mysterious.
And no, you don't sound crazy at all.
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Also, what you said about Ruby not being inclined to front -- we have a bunch of people like that, too. There are a whole heap of people in our system, but only me, Sláva, and the Brown sisters come out front with any sort of regularity, and it's very rare that there's only one person out front; it usually happens when I'm in class, or otherwise geeking out, or when Sláva is singing.
The Layman's Guide to Multiplicity (http://www.kitsune.cx/blackbirds/layman/) is pretty good, too, it's another functional-multiplicity site. We (i.e., my system) consider multiplicity simply our natural state, we've never been diagnosed with DID and don't fit the criteria for it anyhow.