( The Good News and the Bad )
both myself and one of my friends systems have "theams" o.0
like...each of my headmates and I could be seen as one of the five elements (spirit included) and hers seam to represent the seven deadly sins.
we where wondering if we're just freaks or if there are other people like us out there.
But boy, oh boy, is it a good thing he was around yesterday, or it would have gone really bad for us.
So I'm taking this opportunity to say that even though I bitch, I know how much we need him. I know that he makes us all a better "person."
It's interesting, too: he's been relaxed for the past few months, letting us do what we want, just chilling in the back and not interfering. But over the weekend he suddenly reconsolidated his power and reasserted his role as the protector and king. Like he could sense it would be needed yesterday. I wonder if he just has good instincts, if something combined in all of us has them, or if there were gaurdian angels (or whatever) whispering warnings into his subconscious.
On a slightly related note, does any other system out there have a kind of ritual murder as part of their hierarchy? Tynan "killed" Briar, who had been stepped up and in charge, in order to reclaim his place. Briar's still around, so wasn't actually destroyed. It was more of a ritual, a battle of wills that played out as Briar's inner body being killed.
( What we did and how we did it )
Still, progress was made.
( A necessary explanation of the Nothingness race )
What do you do when you finally come to terms with the fact that you DO work better with fewer parts? Things got totally out of hand.
Partially to blame is some sort of innate ability to identify active perspectives of humanity in general, and society around the body and it "calls up" fragment-parts that have voices, that either fade back away pretty quick and leave a gaping hole or stick around, but are amorphous and not quite whole enough to really work together with anyone else...
Looking into perspectives. We're already working out some sort of... method for ourselves. Condensing where it's possible and organizing, sorting, getting things to work out. But looking for perspective... needing to see if others have had the same issue(s) and how they've worked with them/resolved them?
In case anyone's interested, ( I've got a story to tell... )
Right, enough of the mushy touchy-feely stuff. Down to my problem, then. A couple of days ago, I came to ( a very strange hypothesis. )
I hope that we'll be able to become good friends. Thanks for the help and I'll keep an eye open for any interesting things to share.
Um, hello. We don't even know what to begin with. Our short bio, maybe.
First, there was only She, the main personality, who had inhabited our [male] body since birth.
At the age of 6 or 7 She created me [Grif], probably because She was lonely and needed friends. We had been growing up together, but She forgot about my existence pretty soon. She then made some real "friends", who involved Her in doing horrible things. Of course, I tried to talk Her out of it, but She didn't want to lose Her new "friends" and thus kept doing everything to please them. Later, She realized there was a monstrous tissue of lies and mistakes made by Her and decided to commit suicide. The body pulled through, but her personality was shattered and a new personality [Krezt] appeared [by separating from me].
Damn, I've never told anybody about my past, but I believe it's somehow connected to my present problem. So...
I can't concentrate at all! It feels like there is mental noise in my mind, consisting of Her thoughts, memories and feelings. Now I spend most part of my free time sitting in the corner and staring blankly, I cannot think, decide or do anything. There's a bunch of problems snowballing meanwhile, and I know I must solve them but I can't even move a finger.
Krezt also can't fight with it, though he has a great deal more will-power.
Please, ANY advice would be useful! I need to get out of this state.
I'm new to this community. I'm Astrid, aged 19 and have had people in my mind since I was about 11 I think. though I fantasized about being "someone else" and all that long before. I used to think that I was sort of mid-continuum, in that I have people in my mind on whose perspectives I will act (which I can't influence) but that I don''t lose time or important personal information, ie. I'll always remember that my name is Astrid and I'm 19, etc.
However, over the past couple of months I've realized more and more that my insiders are an identity issue rather than anything personality-related, ie. I'm not at all multiple but just can't see that all these people are actually one and the same. (Of course, the psychiatric model also says that it's an identity disorder, but the way therapists treat DID is usually as if it were a personality thing, ie. the insiders/alters truly being separate. I btw don't have DID.) This got me to think about my insiders from a cognitive-behavioural viewpoint, thinking that in many ways it's something about rationally seeing that I can "integrate" the insiders instead of looking at it from a more traditional, psychodynamic viewpoint.
This is at once helpful to me, ie. if it's cognitive-behavioural and I rationally know this, I should be able to throw away the system right away, but at once it's confusing, since if I know I created the others because I couldn't see that this is all one person, why can't I just shut down the system, now that I know this? Why can I say, rationally, that I'm one, but still feel that I'm nine? Am I analysing too much? People who don't know too much about my system say so, and it makes me feel as if I'm making it up. I don't have DID, cause I know that my "multiplicity" is not dissociation, but it's not just my thoughts/feelings that have gotten names, and neither am I a natural multiple or someone claiming she likes being multiple (I would love to be "fully" singlet). Or am I just an adolescent who's confused about who she is and is taking this a little too far? This is at least partly true, but does that mean I'm overreacting? I'm sort of confused and any comments would be appreciated.
So quite a while ago, we 'came out' to each other, learned how to front independently, had some major coping issues at first. one problem our natural communication method caused (we access each others memories) is we had memories of being someone that could do things that we couldn't necessarily do. for example, Tia 'remembered' knowing calculus, and remembered doing very well on calc quizzes, but under the new rules, she'd go to class, feel good, put pen to paper, and have no clue what she was doing. we have this problem all over the place with programming, teching (our major/profession) and such.
well when we figured out this was the way of things, we took a major slowdown, got on disability, and took some time getting used to our new rules.
in like, march we got out of that, and started working a pretty easy job that any of us could handle. steering clear of anything technical or stressful for a while. (we've actually been a bit more responsible then we were before, since we seem to have licked depression pretty solidly)
well were alot more practiced at this teamwork stuff, we've pulled off a shareware project or two, and were ready to see if we put our new controlled switching skilz to the test. (that and financial aid thinks its time to either take a class or start paying our loan) so viola! we start our first day of class tomorrow.
weve heard some advice about getting an overlay'ey thing working for crossing skills, but we just don't mix well at all. so our approach is to get myself (candy), lovecry, and synch (if he bothers to get involved) each independantly solid on the material. and Tia switching out, since she suuux at math, but defaces easily enough.
anyways, if anyones got any spiffy advice, please please. otherwise, wish us luck! Im personally pretty amped about it! wooo!
Candy Apple Red of the Changelyng System
after reading through some off the comm, i realized how very different i seem to be from everyone else.
for the majority here, everyone is 'us' and 'we'...
for me, it's 'i/me/whatever' and 'them' (there's two very vocal ones... one WAY more than the other... and a couple that i'm not sure what they do... aside from not talk to ~me~)
i'm pretty sure i can't be the ONLY one who feels like just a tool to be used at times (though i'm pretty sure that's not really the case, just a feeling..) but it'd still be nice for some reafirmation. :)
also... has anyone else had someone just show up for a day, and then take off? my boyfriend has told me of two like this... one who didn't talk, but cried a ton, and curled up in a corner of my room... and one that was some guy who was sarcastic, but not in a mean way like the girl who switches her name as she pleases.
i saw the thing about them DYING, but i don't think that's the case here. though i could be wrong. i'm not new to being a multi, just new to the idea of talking to others about it, who can actually UNDERSTAND. ^_^; so i might seem confused in how i talk, or explain things, compared to anyone else. for that i'm sorry.
sidenote : about the dear boyfriend... i'm still not sure what to do with him. however, the girl who changes her name seems to be up to something, and it's kind of worrying me... :/ she can be like an older sister... either trying to protect me, or being a bitch, trying to take things from me ~_~;
Allow me to intoduce myself, my dear friend josh, and of course, tyler.
Josh is a very bright young man who deserves much better than life have given him. He is brilliant, very handsome, and he is just a great all around person. Over the years he developed a social complex, by which, he is unable to talk about himself. He was able to live like this for a time, then he went through the worst trauma a boy in his situation could imagine. He lost his father.
The very moment he heard the tragic news, he fell unconcious, and tyler was born. Tyler was created to block the painful emotions that josh was overwhelmed with. Things were well for a time, but tyler wasn't the most saintly of people. He has no conscience whatsoever. He landed josh in jail a few times, but luck helped out not to permanently lock him up. After the last incident, josh created me.
I am the balance. I am the yin to tylers yang. Tyler is chaos, while I am law. I am blue, tyler is red.
I'm not sure whether I was created, or I found him, but we have a good relationship, and we are happy with each other. I helped josh clean out his mind, and we created a beautiful sactuary there.
Imagine the bluest of skies offset by the greenest of grass, rolling hills and a few pillowy clouds. Imagine the entire horizen covered in beautiful woodland. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it rains hard. But the sun rises every morning, and the moon watches over us every night.
One hill stands above the rest, and growing on top of this hill is a magnificent yew tree. In the spring, it provides enough fruit to feed a country. In the summer, it casts a comfortable shadow. In the fall, it displays a breataking ensemble of color. And, in the winter, it sheds its dieing branches to be burned in a great fire, which gives a plentiful amount of warmth.
Under this tree, I call my home. This is where josh retires to, when he lets tyler or me take over. This land is beautiful, but there is more. Beyond the "Joshua Tree" (as I like to call it) lies a dark valley where the sun never reaches. At the lowest point of the valley there is a temple. I've never been in the temple, or the valley, but I think they hold joshs worst memorys. Sometimes he walks down there, and he always comes back crying.
Enough of the bad place. Our field is there to give josh hope in this life. And it serves its purpose.
I am the outspoken one of our trio, and I will state my opinion wherever I see fit. I see this community as a way to find others like josh and possibly help them, as I did with him. I like answering questions, so please ask away. Be sure to direct them to me.
Alice, of the moon and stars
He's taken my hand and he's telling me to calm down ... so I am sitting here trying to keep focused, and not slip into one of my automatic defenses (like compulsive humour) and he's telling me "It's ok... just breathe..." and all of a sudden I look at Jack & go "What the *&%$# is this, Lamaze? o.O;;" D'oh there I go again XD
I don't know why I fight it... it feels so amazingly, indescribably blissful to merge with him...
Do any of you others have experiences like this? o_o
So... Here's my dilemma, and I'm hoping maybe some of you have a thought or two to add that may help.
Basically I drove away two members of our system, Sweetness and Shay, and now they're living with my soul-sister. Before she left, Shay made me a new place, like a pocket universe, where I can go and pretend I'm not a multiple. Those were her words.
Anyhow, I've been thinking about integration lately. Not sure how that would affect Sweetness and Shay, but for everything and everyone else. I'm not sure I could even do it, but everyone would have to agree to it. I wouldn't even try if not everyone agreed. I think that would be cruel... I just wish things could be back the way they were before everyone came forward and there was no 'we'...
My soul-sister and I were chatting and she suggested that they could get quieter for me and go further back into the inner world. That might work, but a while back when I inadvertently put up a barrier around myself (same issue, different response) things got icky...
I have no idea what to do.
Anyone else ever deal with anything like this?