[identity profile] mrshannibal.livejournal.com
in a response to a post, [livejournal.com profile] cirape said:
I view nonfunctional multiplicity as something with missing time and system members being unable to communicate and the like.

conveying in words i could not find, exactly what i have been going through...
talked w/my psychologist this week about it and he's suggesting we keep track of this and asked about letters written, emails sent, things bought, places gone w/out my forefront knowledge...
i told him this had been happening for years, but i blew it off as "forgetting" because people DO forget things from time to time...i mean, after all, don't most people talk to themselves in their head, right?
heh, it's only when my daughter tells me "you know you have a british accent, right?" and "umm, when did you forget to know how to make coffee?"
cuz that happens to everyone, right?
uh, no...
it's only been within the past 3 years that it has become more and more prevelant, which confuses and scares me to no end...people at work have said things of concern and i brush that off as having a bad day, or i'm feeling emotional or whatever comes out of my mouth that makes sense to them and they walk away - satisified w/the answer they've been given only to leave me befuddled as to just exactly what was said...

system members being unable to communicate and the like.
i read this and thought - oh yeah, well, THE LIKE part got me in the emergency ward w/about 3 stitches on one wrist and bandages on the other because apparently there is a sullen 16 yr. old boy that gets angry quite easily and then gets self destructive...most of the time it's contained and curtailed, but sometimes - well, sometimes it just happens...
i was there in the hospital all day...then i saw my psychologist that afternoon...

so he asked for copies of things that had been written and/or sent and such and i asked my friend to help me w/that because the last time i thought to do that - the paperwork got lost and my friend said,
"maybe there's someone who DOESN'T want anyone to know at all"
and i brushed it off as "forgetting"...

i've come to find that when i "go" somewhere else or however that can be explained, i get this bone-chilling cold shiver, and it's slightly numbing and not all that pleasant...usually happens when i feel stressed and/or threatened...
what happens to you when you "change"?

i've taken a break from posting in my personal journal because every time i put in the attempt, it's gone...nothing gets posted, not even jokes or pics or whatever - so i took a break...someone wrote a nice note and that was that...sometimes it bothers me, but i'm going with it for now...i've been in other communities and lj's of friends, but nothing like being here where i feel better...well, as good as i can feel...

anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this - but thanks for letting me ramble...
[identity profile] raven-system.livejournal.com
Hello everyone,

I am a system member of the lj account I am posting with. You can find postings y or system, as well as a picture gallery of us on our LJ, feel free to add us :)My name is Hayden and I am otherkin (kitsune) and I am interested in how systems work.

Due to certain events in the body's main personnas/hosts life, I have been fronting for over a day now, which is the longest for me ever. Usually its a few hours at the most. With Sam (the host) having a girlfriend, its awkward when she wants to see her boyfriend, and one of us are out, and she will usually tell us to go away. I'm not usually offended but Alex gets very offended by that, as he loves fronting and experiencing the world first-hand.

Do you think thats fair at all?

Also, when fronting today, I was surpised that I knew things, even though I, myself had not ever learned them. For instance I went to the hospital and knew the way, I knew the dr's name, even how to cook food. Does anyone else experience this sort of universal know-ho when fronting? I just thought it was interesting, thats all :)

[identity profile] underlankers.livejournal.com
This is a conversation recorded between the Baron Harkonnen, Godzilla and Graham Work, three of our system members. I think its relevant to the community.
This was a discussion during last year's election.


Oct. 25th, 2006 08:23 pm
[identity profile] terendel.livejournal.com
Richard and I aren't new to being multiple (we've been a system for 21 years now), but we are very new to the terminology and the hows and whys of other systems. Richard has only recently started fronting, but we're not even sure that's the right term. Most of the time, he's comfortably ensconced in the back of my head, observing and commenting on what's going on. We completely share memories. But when he "fronts," I don't feel ensconced in the back of his head. I feel more like I'm channeling him. He's a little less in back, a bit closer to the front, but it's still mostly like it's me speaking with his voice.

I don't know if that makes sense or just sounds wacky. What are other's experience?

[identity profile] thefurryone.livejournal.com
Hi, folks. I'm not entirely sure how to start this whole thing, really, as this is the first time I've had to communicate to anyone that there's more than one set of eyes behind my glasses. I suppose it suffices to say that when I say "I", I'm really referring to all of "us", as it were. Unless I'm not. Anyway, uh, hi. I'm glad to meet all of you. My name's John-- at least, that's the name on all the cards in my wallet.

In case anyone's interested, I've got a story to tell... )

Right, enough of the mushy touchy-feely stuff. Down to my problem, then. A couple of days ago, I came to a very strange hypothesis. )

I hope that we'll be able to become good friends. Thanks for the help and I'll keep an eye open for any interesting things to share.
[identity profile] allusionist.livejournal.com
I haven't posted in about a month, been tied up with a lot of life issues and didn't have a computer...but now I'm going through something really strange.

Lately Pip and I have been getting our memories...confused, for lack of a better word. We're starting to think we've done things the other one did or that the other one did things we did - clearest example I can think of was who first asked our girlfriend out. We both remembered the night with perfect clarity, but remembered it from the point of view of the watcher, not the fronter. When we realized this and went back and picked through the circumstances of the night, we ended up figuring out it must have been me...but I honestly don't remember being in control then. And that night made me so happy the thought of not remembering it properly scares me. We had just the opposite happen over another issue, both of us remembered doing it, but we weren't co-fronting since we haven't been able to do that for over three years now. I remember doing it clear as day - but so does Pip, and the way I remember it, he was just watching at the time.

Needless to say, this is not only getting confusing and has coused more than one headache, but it genuinely worries me. I have no idea what could be causing something like this to happen - normally, we have to worry more about a LACK of communication, not mentioning everything we did to each other when we switch and getting screwed over some detail or somesuch. I don't even know how sharing memories after the fact like that is even possible.

While I'm already ranting, one other oddity. We also seem to be losing the ability to front for an extended period of time - if either one of us is in control for more than a day or two, we start to break down, get irritable, get weighted down by stress, that kind of thing. I'm bipolar, and it's nothing like depression - it's more like the feeling you get when you have a million problems all pressing in on you at once.

So my question to you all is two-fold...first, have any of you gone through issues like these? If you've been in similar situations, what if anything helped? Second, can any of you venture an educated guess as to what could be happening in our system? We've never had problems of this sort before - just straightforward things like jealousy and wanting to kill each other, you know, social issues - so I have no idea where to een begin looking to fix this. I almost seriously offended my girlfriend yesterday by getting a memory confused, I'd like to figure out what's going on before I end up ruining something or other for good...
[identity profile] fireincarnation.livejournal.com
Please excuse me if this doesn't make perfect sense, or seems disjointed. My mind's not all here right now.

I had my first serious blackout today. I'm missing five hours. I can't seem to figure out what I did, as nothing in the house looks differant, the tv was off the whole time, and I wasn't on the internet. (What *can* you do for five hours alone in a house with no books that produces no disturbance of *anything* in the house?)

I have regular blackouts, but they occur for under 5 minutes at a time, and ONLY while I am driving. This one is seriously differant. And it is a serious concern.

I think this has been caused by my Lamictal. The longer I am on it, the harder it is for me to think. It was very hard for anyone else to front yesterday, and impossible to front for over a minute or two, even when the intense desire existed. Today it has been hard for me to think and I can't get anyone else to front at all (except for the blackout.) Communication has varied from very spotty to not at all.

I've decided to stop Lamictal, and since I'm only on 25mg, it won't pose any risk of seizures. It only seemed to make my bipolar and anxiety worse anyway. I'm emailing my psychiatrist with my decision.

Ideas? Advice? Comments?
[identity profile] stealthdragon.livejournal.com
If you're able to access memories from when someone else is in control of the body you share, do they tend to include a feeling of 'the general sensation of being person X'? If so, how does it influence your use of the memories?

(If the question is unclear, feel free to ask about it. This is one of those posts where English is fairly inadequate.)
[identity profile] linnai.livejournal.com
Over the last few days, maybe a little over a week now this really incredibly annoying thing has been happening to me. And I don't know why. Mostly, it's just very annoying and makes me pause, but since it's been happening with more frequency recently... thought I might ask if anyone else has any insight or any experience with this sort of thing...

We never really lose time'. Sometimes there are some crossed wires or some such but... Recently I've been (and it seems to be mostly me, since I'm Up mostly) experiencing this... issue. Where I BELIEVE I have done something, where I REMEMBER doing it in actual vivid detail, but then it hasn't happened... For instance, sending emails, or sending someone an IM or calling someone on the phone. I will vividly remember what's happened for that event but then find out a bit later that I DIDN'T DO IT...

It's starting to bother me...

Just a quirky strange complaint specific to me, or anyone else experienced something similar?
[identity profile] pleiades-rising.livejournal.com
Normally, our system is pretty co-conscious. We lose a few minutes here and there, and once in a blue moon, an hour or two. But I found that I lost a full day! And lately I've been forgetting things that happen while the others are up front. I don't know why I'm losing co-consciousness, but I think it might be stress related, because I've been under a lot of stress lately. Then I've realized that during times when I'm really stressed, I have a tendency to not remember what the others do. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
[identity profile] changelyng14.livejournal.com

So quite a while ago, we 'came out' to each other, learned how to front independently, had some major coping issues at first. one problem our natural communication method caused (we access each others memories) is we had memories of being someone that could do things that we couldn't necessarily do. for example, Tia 'remembered' knowing calculus, and remembered doing very well on calc quizzes, but under the new rules, she'd go to class, feel good, put pen to paper, and have no clue what she was doing. we have this problem all over the place with programming, teching (our major/profession) and such.

well when we figured out this was the way of things, we took a major slowdown, got on disability, and took some time getting used to our new rules.
in like, march we got out of that, and started working a pretty easy job that any of us could handle. steering clear of anything technical or stressful for a while. (we've actually been a bit more responsible then we were before, since we seem to have licked depression pretty solidly)

well were alot more practiced at this teamwork stuff, we've pulled off a shareware project or two, and were ready to see if we put our new controlled switching skilz to the test. (that and financial aid thinks its time to either take a class or start paying our loan) so viola! we start our first day of class tomorrow.

weve heard some advice about getting an overlay'ey thing working for crossing skills, but we just don't mix well at all. so our approach is to get myself (candy), lovecry, and synch (if he bothers to get involved) each independantly solid on the material. and Tia switching out, since she suuux at math, but defaces easily enough.

anyways, if anyones got any spiffy advice, please please. otherwise, wish us luck! Im personally pretty amped about it! wooo!

Candy Apple Red of the Changelyng System
[identity profile] wingedwolf-2004.livejournal.com
Quick intro - I've been here before but I'll re-introduce myself. I am fmale/19 and I have two others with me, one named Toby who is 12-19/male and Alex who is 18-19/male.

Okay so the other day Toby came through and I resided to rest for a bit, as I was in a strange mood. My girlfriend said I had been doing weird things (before he came out), like I wouldnt talk to her much and I avoided shadows all day and eventually ran back to our house and had a panic attack.

A little later Alex came out and had sex with my girlfriends new 'other' casie, and then they both resided back, bringing Toby forward again. However I was nowhere to been seen and Toby became very upset that he couldnt 'find' me. My girlfriend got very upset and didnt speak to Toby, and Toby tried to hurt himself to take away the anger that he couldnt find me.

Toby remained forward for almost a day and I fe;t myself coming forward occasionally, but I had this horrible feeling that my personality was not 'complete'. I think some of it may have broken off, as I now have yet ANOTHER new boy named Hayden who seems very naive and frightened.

Does anyone know what is going on? I'm pretty scared that someday I could just loose myself completly....
[identity profile] ricktboy.livejournal.com
Not that it matters to anyone else, but I was re-reading my diary from like, two years ago, and I had some entries in it about confusion, gender related, and some poetry, and a drawing or two...even some entries I don't remember writing...

It all makes sense NOW...Faith drew, Liz was the source of the gender confusion...(she likes being a girl, dammit)and so on and so forth...

*applauds self*

I've come a long way, no...WE have... *grin*

Pack Collective
[identity profile] notquitemichael.livejournal.com
[i've been thinking about what to write for about 5 minutes now...]

recently a couple of things have driven me to start looking for an anwser to what it is that gives me more than one person in my head, and well a bit of a lengthy trail through a few text books and the internet has led me here, and i've really identified with some of the things that people have explained, so.

seems the best way to introduce is just to explain who's there, but bare with me, i've never really explained this before to anyone else, so...

all of us anwser to tom (nick think's it's funny and michael resents it, but.) and i'm 18. i don't think i was anyone more than tom until i was about 7, 8ish at school one day, and i was just daydreaming when this thing was suddenly in my head, and it was broken, and i could see how to fix it in my mind and i did. i don't mean that in some sort of spiritual way, it's just what happened.

ever since me, and system-main (which is what i called it,) were friends. from then on i was always updating, and main was always giving me new things that i didn't even think of (like sys-B, which is like a way to make myself happy for a short amount of time, regardless of how i actually feel,) and was always there to talk to.

then at about 12 sys-main indicated that i wasn't the only one using it, and thats when i became aware of nick, who's is the most impulisve person i've met and has a habit of fronting me into stupid situations, and then suddenly being no-where to be found when they need sorting out. and soon after i met michael, who should be writing this because he's about 100 times more coherant than i am on paper, but i won the argument and this is my idea, so.

i'm always thankful for having michael, nick (and main- who i figure is what everyone calls a 'system') but recently i've had a few system-failures [as i dubed them; i understand computers, it makes it much easier if i think of this that way as well.] which is where i'm not entirely aware and if i'm not fronting, then i can't really rember too well, whitout delving manualy into nick and michael, what i've done. and once or twice i've caught nick hiding stuff from me. (he's so annoyed i wrote that.)

i supose i'm just looking for a bit of, um, reasurance that someone else is going/has gone through this and that it is vaguely normal, and perhaps some suggestions for ways of stoping the loss of co-consiouness.

sorry for the long post, i'm not sure i've used live-journal right as well, please excuse my ignorance i was a bit too excited to get something down, then actaully learn how to do it properly first.

thanks, tom. (which nick and michael brething down my neck all the way through it.)
[identity profile] purplellamaboi.livejournal.com
I'm just curious as to how everyone came to learn that they were multiples? I've often wondered how one comes to learn this fact, and what sparked ths realization.

Also, are there cases where a core personality is so strong that any others that might want to show themselves are "shut down" and cannot express themselves? Why would this be the case?

And lastly: are there cases where the personality at the front (no matter which one it is) is aware of everything that's gone on with the host body but may not remember being the one to have done it (ie: extreme case of short term memory)?
[identity profile] sethrenn.livejournal.com
Reading through the earlier thread about the 'drama community', I found this from [livejournal.com profile] eridanusus, which got me thinking.

"They keep saying people can't talk to each other and stuff obviously they never even read Sybil or When Rabbit Howls or anything! Because they talk to each other in those. And don't they think if someone WAS gonna go "ooh I'm going to fake having multiple personalities" they'd actually do some research so they DIDN'T get it all wrong?"

Maybe I'm giving the wannabe 'experts' too much credit by assuming they've done any reading at all, rather than simply going on hearsay, but it's a good question. Where did the idea come from? 'Mutual unawareness of others' existence' is not and has never been in the diagnostic criteria for either MPD or DID. Even in some of the early 'dual personality' cases described (Mary Reynolds, and Gmelin's patient whose other self spoke fluent French), at least one person was aware of the other's existence, even if the awareness wasn't mutual.

What many of the popular and sensationalistic accounts *do* describe is a 'presenting self' who was unaware of the others and experienced the periods when they were controlling the body as blackouts, while the 'others,' when they were in charge, were not only aware of each other's existence but had varying levels of communication between themselves. Books like "Sybil" and "The Minds of Billy Milligan" give *extremely* clear descriptions of internal communication taking place between selves (i.e. Vicki telling Peggy to "put the dish down" when she wanted to break it). Even if the usual frontrunner knew nothing, that's still a pretty far cry from 'nobody can talk to anyone else.'

In fact, for a while, one of the things some doctors were *specifically* told to ask patients when evaluating for an MPD or DID diagnosis, was whether they 'heard voices.' (Granted, this is an extremely flimsy criterion on which to base the diagnosis-- one has to distinguish between the internal 'voices' that many multiples experience and auditory hallucinations-- but I think I've already made pretty clear my distrust of most professional ideas about multiplicity.)

Virtually every popular account of multiplicity published during the 80s and 90s ends with, if not integration, the attainment of at least some sort of communication between everyone. There were some books published during this time by-- yes, therapists with degrees-- with titles like "Working with the Family Inside" and "Internal Family Systems Therapy," which emphasized communication and awareness as a viable alternative to integration for some multiples. So, even supposing that only a portion of these more sensationalized cases were real, the claim that "in real multiplicity the personalities don't know about each other" still doesn't hang together. I'd take this more seriously if anyone could quote a single source, but no one seems to be able to.

So, where did 'they can't talk to each other' come from? I'm actually curious.
[identity profile] calliopeaurora.livejournal.com
Hi Everyone
I've been lurking in the background for a couple of weeks just testing the waters.
My therapist has diagnosed me as DID and has had conversations with someone in me. I'm struggling to accept it. Parts of me are embracing it. I don't really remember the whole session very well apart from being there. I see "pictures" of people that are inside of me but i can't ever focus on them. Does anyone else have that?
Many occasions i seem to "switch" and it is noticeable and i know in myself that i have done it. I thought everyone was like this but i know different.
Anyway, i lose memories and forget things often but when i concentrate hard enough (and get a headache) the memory or thing i was trying to remember just hits. Does that happen to anyone else?
I've gotten a headache just writing this and visiting. I get them when i lurk and just look stuff up on MPD/DID.
Thanks if you can help.

Calliope :)
[identity profile] darkest-art507.livejournal.com
I joined this community several months ago and this is my first post here. Please take me seriously I’m in dire need of help. First of all, I have been diagnosed with DID, PTSD, depression and self injury issues. I’m a survivor of long term childhood sexual abuse and I have been in therapy since 1990 dealing with everything. Currently I’m in therapy at a free sexual assault crisis center. My problem is that since it’s a center for victims of sexual assault they won’t put a diagnosis on my mental problems. My current therapist is even reluctant to acknowledge the possibility that I have multiple personalities. But anyone who is around me for any length of time picks up on it rather quickly. I am a multiple and I always have been one.
My mate and I have been together for going on 26 years now and we’re on the verge of breaking up because of my multiplicity. I’m on the brink of losing it because of everybody inside me getting out of control. My life is in total shambles because I can’t keep myself mentally together enough to work a regular job. In the past I had her support and understanding but now that is ending. In the past I worked when I was able, but now I’m totally nonfunctional.
I just can’t keep things together enough to hold a job. Has anyone else ever been unable to hold a job for any length of time because of their multiplicity?

I was wondering if I should seek help at another mental health center where I have to pay for their services. Maybe then my multiplicity will be finally addressed? I really have to get it under control because it’s wrecking my life. In the past my multiplicity helped me to function but now it’s a hindrance. Lately I have been losing track of time. Sections of my life are blacked out and I’m unable remember what went on. In the past it was as if I was watching somebody else living my life. There are times in my life where I can’t remember anything at all about what went on, I have no memory what so ever. But they had a clear beginning and end to them. But mostly, I’m sort of aware when another person is out. But I can’t do anything to change what they are doing. But like I said, recently I have had a total loss of time and I’m really scared that I’m losing it. Right now, I’m Cynthia she is the one who more or less decides who needs to be out in order to function. In attempt to be a singular by my core personality, I have been suppressed or kept inside for five or six months. Right now in our lives everything is in shambles.

What I was wondering, should I seek help for the DID and MPD somewhere else where they will take it seriously? Is there some kind of medication that I could be put on to stop or at least slow down the personality changes? Can all of this be brought under control or am I just hopelessly screwed up mentally? Please take me seriously, I’m not faking this, it really is wrecking my life.


Dec. 1st, 2004 06:40 am
[identity profile] nematoddity.livejournal.com
In the continuing saaaaga that is my life at large, I thought I'd check in and say: still no progress on the communication front. But now a more annoying trend has been brought to my attention.

Twice now, this past week, "I" have done something with the rest of the household and I--this I, myself now--have zip nada for memory of it. But whomever it is walking around and interacting with folks seems like me--responds in the way I would respond, knows what I know, has the same sense of humor, has the same everything, apparently...and for the bulk of this week, whenever it's come up, I've been accused of faking, because it's "obviously me", they keep telling me.

Broke down and told the sig oth last night that I really, truly, have no memory of the two incidents in question. She looked disturbed for a moment, and finally said, "Well, that's kind of creepy."

So...great, someone else is here, not everyone is asleep, and I still have no connection with them! I just go down like someone turned off the lights and I surface with no memory of whatever the hell it was I did.

This is so damned frustrating.
[identity profile] nematoddity.livejournal.com
(Here's the thing. I don't have a problem with Christians, per se. I have a problem with 'the only truth is God' types. I have a problem with 'by the blood of the Lamb shall ye be saved' idiots. ANYONE who doesn't admit that religion is a choice, not the Truth of Truths...well, they bug me.)

So. Why I'm writing. )


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