Fusing

Dec. 5th, 2008 05:05 pm
[identity profile] very-small-box.livejournal.com
I'm part of a multiple system, and I was wondering about people's successes (or lack thereof) in fusing or integrating with one or more of their bodymates.

I fuse with Angel sometimes, which feels good while it lasts. We're more comfortable in our body as a fused entity then either or us are on our own. But it's not feasible or desirable as a permanent structure.

What have been your experiences, and the experiences of others in your system? What causes them to fuse? What causes the fused form to disintegrate?

-Baki

New here

Sep. 1st, 2007 04:25 am
[identity profile] j3nny3lf.livejournal.com
Hi, I just found this community through Astraea's web. I figured out a few years ago that I'm multiple, and I am sure that the origins of this are abuse based for me, and was really amazed to learn that not all multiples have had an abuse/trauma basis in their own lives. How interesting is that? Wow.

In further reading tonight, I found that I am not as unique as I had thought, that there's a name for what I/we experience. Age slider. Each of my many mes is just me, but at a different age. The youngest is six years old, the oldest is 39. I am currently 42. Most often out and about other than "me" is Jennifer, who is seventeen years old.

I guess I want to learn more. I want to discover what it's all about, how we live together. I'd decided a long time ago now that "integration" sounded just a little too much like voodoo to me, and my other selves had told my husband that it sounded like dying or death to them, they fear it terribly. They are me, killing them off is not an option. Taking care of them is what needs to be done. This is how I am thinking.

Anyways, that's me.

Question

Apr. 30th, 2007 07:09 am
[identity profile] hanna-grace.livejournal.com
Can DID have an adult onslaught even if the personality was created as the result of childhood abuse? I have gotten conflicting answers about this question. I have a friend who wasn't diagnosed with DID until she was a teenager in high school, but it's suspected that she had other personalities before they were actually identified. She doesn't know if she ever dissociated before age 14. Is this possible? I mean, does it fit the clinical diagnostics or is there something fishy about her story?

I personally do not suffer from DID or multiplicity, but I know two people who have claimed the disorder (sorry if it seems that I'm skeptical, I just like to keep my words true). My heart goes out to whoever does, though, and I find the disorder very interesting. I'm looking forward to answers to my questions.
[identity profile] rabbitsystem.livejournal.com
We spent part of this weekend with someone who knows we are multiple. While he believes us, I can't help but feel insulted. He assumes it would be better if we integrated - he can't understand why we're not trying to. (He went so far as to suggest a method of operating like a singlemind. It wouldn't work.)
Am I justified in feeling insulted, or am I being oversensitive?
[identity profile] forever-alone.livejournal.com
I looked through the memories a bit trying to see if anyone had asked about this before, but I didn't see anything and I can't be arsed to go through every single entry. Anyway, my questions have to do with incomplete integration/incomplete merging/whatever you want to call it.

I'll try to explain before asking... )
[identity profile] celestialscar.livejournal.com
First, I must say that I was glad to come across this community. I do not know why I had not thought of looking on LJ for such a thing, but the thought did not ever cross my mind. I find it encouraging (but somewhat sad, as well), that there are others who live or lived in the manner which I/we did/do.

The main reason for this post and my renewed will to research, I admit, is that I have come across an interesting dilemma with the system. Everyone else is gone.

For simple background, I will say that the multiplicity began at a young age (7-8years) as a result of trauma, which I am sure many understand. There were far more people back then, many of which integrated to form new, more complex people. I grew up as the main fronter, the supposed main-personality, and did not know any of this was going on. When I met my now-husband, things became apparent that something was not right, and the alters at the time revealed themselves. We were down to three (originally we numbered 15, I believe). They came out regularly for years and years, and many problems and memories have been worked out and shared.... but at the same time, new problems arose. A while back, however, they stopped coming out. I do not hear anything from them, they are not here, and I do not know why.

My husband has suggested that we integrated, but in my heart (if I can phrase it that way), I do not feel that to be true. I do not remember many of the things that I supposedly should (things I know happened but do not recall specifically). My personality has not changed in a remarkable way, either, and there was no reason for us to become one all of a sudden like that.

To an extent, I admit it partly to be a relief, as one of the other personality was very troublesome, but the situation itself troubles me and I hoped that someone would be able to offer some insight.

In any case, for those who read this all, thank you. Any advice or information would be appreciated. Also, it is very nice to meet all of you.
[identity profile] diagnosis-four.livejournal.com
Why do people have to act like they never had multiples after they get 'healed'? Like any of need healing... We're not diseased.

It just pisses me off.... My friend is acting like she was never multiple and ignores me when I start to talk about the old group. (Most of which consisted of the others in her.) She's even going as far to saying that my group is sent by Satan to help me sin or some shit... I dunno... It probably wouldn't piss me off so bad if I hadn't been in love with one of them. But even still....

Why do people act like this?
[identity profile] sean-stevens07.livejournal.com
So i was "dating" this system and it turns out that the ass-hat original, went all bitch mode and went trough intergration.  I knew something was up when i didnt hear from them in over 3 moths.  I just found out that the guy I was inlove with is gone.  And I honestly have no clue what i want to do... hes gone.

ah see this is why I usually just sleep around, cause being in one relationship isnt good for ya.

wtf should i do, i want to kill the bitch

am i right for being pissed?
[identity profile] zamisista.livejournal.com
hello everyone

we haven't been in touch for a long time and we missed you all.

we are the little ones in the J system. since we last wrote, we met a new (inside) family member called Jonathon. we thought he was a monster and tried to evict him but he was just wearing a scary mask and when he took it off we saw he was just a little boy and he was scared because he was the only white one inside here. but it is OK, we accepted him now and he hangs out with JD who is our protector.

anyway our question is about integration and merging. our therapist says that they are two different things. she says integration is about creating more communication and cooperation inside and merging is where different family members join together (we call that murder). she says she is not trying to promote merging but she is promoting integration in terms of making family members more able to hear each others concerns and create consensus about things. did you ever hear the two terms used in this way? some of us inside don't trust her and think maybe she is trying to merge us without our permission, but we (the little ones) don't think that because she is good and is trying to help us. she says she is not trying to merge us and in any case she couldn't do it without the family members wanting to be merged.

our big one is afraid one day she will wake up to an emtpy house, everyone else will have gone and she will be all alone.
the reason she is afraid is because we are doing "lifespan integration" to make the trauma memories seem like they happened in the distant past. it is working, but also we are seeing changes happen to the System as a result, like walls between members are turning into fences which we can sometimes hear through.

has anyone else done lifespan integration and what was your experience?

sometimes it is scary when things change inside and people start talking or communicating differently. our big one especially doesn't like change. she is doing her best but she does panic sometimes. how have you coped with changes in your Systems?

thank you for being you, we love that this community exists.

the little ones
[identity profile] thefurryone.livejournal.com
Hi, folks. I'm not entirely sure how to start this whole thing, really, as this is the first time I've had to communicate to anyone that there's more than one set of eyes behind my glasses. I suppose it suffices to say that when I say "I", I'm really referring to all of "us", as it were. Unless I'm not. Anyway, uh, hi. I'm glad to meet all of you. My name's John-- at least, that's the name on all the cards in my wallet.

In case anyone's interested, I've got a story to tell... )

Right, enough of the mushy touchy-feely stuff. Down to my problem, then. A couple of days ago, I came to a very strange hypothesis. )

I hope that we'll be able to become good friends. Thanks for the help and I'll keep an eye open for any interesting things to share.
[identity profile] squnq.livejournal.com
This post probably isn't going to be received well, but it has to be made. )

As this decision I am making is rather in conflict with the idealism of the vast majority of people here, I feel it to be inappropriate for me to be a maintainer of this community, so I'm removing myself. The community does a good job of moderating itself and has in the time I've been helping to maintain it almost never needed any intervention from me.
[identity profile] nancy-nensi.livejournal.com
Nancy wants us to integrate. I don't.
Has anyone out there tried it?
If you become unified, just one person, can you ever get yourself back if you don't like it?
Is it even possible for two to become one?
I want to hear from people who have experience with integration. What are the pros and cons?

I would like to try becoming one person with Nensi if we can, if it's possible. Since we're in one body, it seems like it would be convenient to be one person. I don't really know whether it's practical or possible, and I won't try to make it happen as long as Nensi is against it, but I do want information. If integration means loosing the skills, personality, feelings, etc. of one of us in favor of the other one, then I don't want it. But I wonder if there is a way to blend the two and become one, without loosing anything.
[identity profile] littlenephew.livejournal.com
Hello. Since I am altogether new to LJ, I apologize if I've duplicated this post. I've read many of the community posts, and appreciate the thoughts expressed. Even through drifting in and out, and a general numbness, I've done my best to absorb those contributions.

The issue I'm working on presently is integration. I know I don't fully comprehend it, but I'm resisting the process in fear of losing my only friends. Those within. I know I must reconcile this, but I feel alone enough as it is, and the thought of losing my dearest ones causes me to feel empty, even just thinking about it.

I anyone can offer any insight and experience to helping me understand this, I will be most grateful. Sincerely yours.
[identity profile] linnai.livejournal.com
Hmm. Bit of a controversial question perhaps.

What does anyone know about integration? NOT the forced "everyone needs to be one" sort of integration but spontaneous, natural integration and also temporary intregration or anything of the like.

(While I have heard that most integration is non-permanent anyhow, this isn't quite what I mean but having a hard time figuring out how to communicate the thought better, forgive me)
[identity profile] jadedmosaic.livejournal.com
Hi All,

Its Shelby,

This much I know Tiea has been practically comotose . We went to OUR session but Tiea did not show .

We questioned T and were sent home from work with threat of being sent on to new T with complete records discharged to new Supervising Counsler and possibility of losing oppurtunity to do Emergency Intake ( which is the part of the job we do best and are paid most and Health benifit package is in but be demoted to Intake) . This guy is turning on us and definatly defensive .

We have always been able to talk Toni started which is never good and mentioned we did a internal assesment and there is NO tracer holding out or ISH but Toni felt if there was a ISH she could be it .

We agreed Tiea should remember in her own time cause we were not into merging memories and emotions , they should be her own , and she is Not even waking up she ,is exhasted but we've all been physcally ill with a Lupua Flare up she is the weakest physically . We tend to what the T cals revolve when ill we call it getting stuck .

Toni just out of her mouth comes "Well we feel we need a break from sessions " So of course , T says "I realize were getting close to a deep breakthrough and your all running scarred but hiding is not the answer . " "You were all craeted to help Tiea live and you may be feeling Threatened , but you will all still be with Tiea Maria just in a new way a better whole more full way a brighter world will open for you ."

We all sat there talikng inside arguing and out of nowhere Joe goes "Your keeping the girls sick, thinking about the past. Were comming in to speak of only job related stuff cause were not sick " Like he said it mean and invaded T personal space and was pointing at his chest . So we were told to punch out early and come back when we had a better attitude. We've never been so humiliated and Tiea is just sleeping away ( totally hiding ). We had a home visit to do so it was no big big deal. But the T is talking to us like we are not people again . Or small children who do not understand what he is saying . Then " wheres my hug before you leave " " Remember we dont leave mad at one another"to me and Toni Jade patted his back with a quick hug and we left as he smiled Geeez whiz.

Its so cold we could use some coaco with mini marshmellows, I want to drink it and jump in bed for a group hug and shake Tiea awake. We knew he would not take it well but Joe made it worse that was not the way we planned to handle any of this .

So of course Marty and Joe surprised us co fronters with a bouquet of wildflowers from the Market ... we can never stay mad at them . I swear I am willing to say "Oh yes I am the almighty "tracer " if Markey does not beat me to it just to have peace Feeling like sellouts Peace & Blessings,
, Shelby
Oh my gosh the sky was beautiful today a complete line between white and pure blue a line , looked like we were driving into the ocean . We imagine it looks that way on the West coast , at least it was a pretty drive home . PS my mood ring just went from bright blue to grey/green , does anyone remember what the colors mean?

Hi to all

Oct. 18th, 2005 09:49 pm
[identity profile] jadedmosaic.livejournal.com
Hi all,

To tired to do a all out introduction I apologize but there are many but my sisters have been posting here for about a month. Basiclly they all co front . Tiea Maria would be considered the "original birthling"

I'm from The Mosaic Gang , You all may know Shelby or Tiea or Jade I'm Markey ( female ) was with the therapist today and he is very e therapist, but he through us. Have any of you ever heard of a "tracer " or that term in a system or household map ?

He informed Tiea that she had a "tracer" she really needed to meet , he felt she could handle what the tracer knew about childhood.

We've been discussing it tonight cause I know most of the history of everyone more than some others know and tonight, we thought I should announce to all what I know. So nobody is clueless but now I'm wondering who the heck the "tracer " is I kinda thought that was always me being a Historian .... has anybody 's T ever talked about a "tracer" ? Is this a new term ? or like the ISH... were looking into Frank Putman cause we know the T reads him . Thank You all Peace to all , Markey ;-)
[identity profile] silence1986.livejournal.com
Hi all,
I'm new to this community. I'm Astrid, aged 19 and have had people in my mind since I was about 11 I think. though I fantasized about being "someone else" and all that long before. I used to think that I was sort of mid-continuum, in that I have people in my mind on whose perspectives I will act (which I can't influence) but that I don''t lose time or important personal information, ie. I'll always remember that my name is Astrid and I'm 19, etc.

However, over the past couple of months I've realized more and more that my insiders are an identity issue rather than anything personality-related, ie. I'm not at all multiple but just can't see that all these people are actually one and the same. (Of course, the psychiatric model also says that it's an identity disorder, but the way therapists treat DID is usually as if it were a personality thing, ie. the insiders/alters truly being separate. I btw don't have DID.) This got me to think about my insiders from a cognitive-behavioural viewpoint, thinking that in many ways it's something about rationally seeing that I can "integrate" the insiders instead of looking at it from a more traditional, psychodynamic viewpoint.

This is at once helpful to me, ie. if it's cognitive-behavioural and I rationally know this, I should be able to throw away the system right away, but at once it's confusing, since if I know I created the others because I couldn't see that this is all one person, why can't I just shut down the system, now that I know this? Why can I say, rationally, that I'm one, but still feel that I'm nine? Am I analysing too much? People who don't know too much about my system say so, and it makes me feel as if I'm making it up. I don't have DID, cause I know that my "multiplicity" is not dissociation, but it's not just my thoughts/feelings that have gotten names, and neither am I a natural multiple or someone claiming she likes being multiple (I would love to be "fully" singlet). Or am I just an adolescent who's confused about who she is and is taking this a little too far? This is at least partly true, but does that mean I'm overreacting? I'm sort of confused and any comments would be appreciated.
[identity profile] autumskiss.livejournal.com
Hi Everyone,

My name is Sherri. I am not a multiple, but a single. I am VERY close to someone who is a multiple and who is having a very difficult time with it of late. I joined last week and have been kind of lurking, just checking it out to see what it was like in hopes of finding out information for myself in hopes of being able to help him.

As of a month ago he had 7 alters, two of which are very extremely dominate and hurtful. One is actually out to hurt me through him, as well as destroy the core of him completely.

My friend IS growing weaker psychically and emotionally every single day that passes by. Right now he is unable to seek help because of a failing marriage. His wife does not believe that he has MPD/DID and refuses to let him seek help. They fight constantly, and the more that they fight, the more that they violent alters come out. My Friend actually fears for his wife's life.

I am frightened for him. I want to help and have no idea how. He lives in Arizona, I am in California. He fears that if I come there, the alter that is after me will harm me. So he wont let me near him now or in the near future. He wont let me near him until his alters are under any kind of control.

So, these are the questions that I have.

1. What can I do for him in ways of support to make him feel safe and secure when we talk?

2. If an alter comes out while we are talking (especially the violent ones), how can I bring my friend back in with out bringing harm to him?

3, How can I assure him that this isnt going to scare me away, and that I love him no matter what? He has lost so much because of his MPD... I dont want to be another person.. He has tried to push me away out of fear, and I havent left. He has always come back glad that I havent left. Even relieved.

4. Is there a way that he can become stronger or less weak untill he can actually get to a therapist?

Before all of this happened, he had actually had partially intregration done. All but the child was intregrated. Now, with all of this, he has actually discovered that he has more than he was first diagnosed with, which was 7... The more there are, the deeper and darker they become. It is scareing him to death. He doesnt know what to do, and I have never dealt with this before, so I dont know how to help him.

ANY help would be so appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Oddness.

Jul. 29th, 2005 02:23 am
[identity profile] hellion0.livejournal.com
My origin is simple... I was created when Ty and Raven merged. Well.... they split off back into themselves.

And I'm still here. It's puzzling me to no end... how can they exist now, seperate, and I still exist as well?

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